Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Sexual Frustration

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Sexual Frustration
zeldafreak1995
Neophyte
Member # 43389

Icon 5 posted      Profile for zeldafreak1995     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm a 20 year-old male virgin and madly in love. My girlfriend is 18 (also virgin) and we've been together for over 2 1/2 years now. Recently though we've occasionally hit a snag.

Many of my friends talk about their sexual exploits. They tell me I should be proud of how I've stayed a virgin for so long, and I am. Sometimes though I just get so sexually tense I can't think straight. Half the time I can't listen to my friends brag because it makes me feel left out. I try not to think of sex as a public fad, hell I've never been one to follow them.

The thing about my girlfriend is there are several things that make her sexually different form most girls.

1: She was raised Atheist and sex was never forbidden to her. Her parents taught her about her anatomy when she was maybe 7. In fact when I told my parents of her lack of religious affiliation they were not happy, my dad especially. Mainly they were upset with me as I had started to steer away from the christian faith myself even before I met her. One time I even went with her and her father to an atheist convention merely so I could experience it though my parents would not support it in any way, they wouldn't even let me take my car or lend it to them for the mother to use (and her family only had one car) as it is licensed under their name.

2: She is partially Bi. She leans more towards men, though she has wondered what it would be like and experimented when she was very little.

3: She has a body that she can get most men with. I honestly couldn't believe she would go for me when I saw her. She's 5'1" with 38 DD breasts, long brown hair, a very cute smile, and just a great sight.

4: Her parents are VERY open about sex, especially compared to most where we live. Her mother even has offered to give her BJ tips. I think this is a turn off for her as she doesn't get along well with her mom.

We have played around, she's let me finger many times, but that's as far as we've gone. We first did that about last November. So long as she is relaxed and willing it's generally very good. The issue is we both have had alot of stress lately between starting college, needing to get jobs, and issues with friends conflicting our own lives.

When her father was trying a psychotherapy course he profile surveyed her, myself, himself, and his wife. It revealed I was a physical type and she was emotional just like her parents only with the genders reversed. What this comes down to is I get turned on easily, while she is much harder. She has outright told me little arouses her outside of sexual contact and her own thoughts, sometimes all it takes for me is an image or just looking at her curled on the bed.

What this boils down to is I've been wanting to go farther sexually (even if it's just a hand job) and she either is not ready at the moment, ill, menstruating, busy, or tired. I know that those are mostly things beyond either of our control, it just gets to me. I've talked to her about this many times, last time I admit I pushed it a little. After a while she started to feel guilty and cried. It made me feel rotten. When she cried she said she felt undeserving of me, I felt just as bad.

I do not want to let sex become obligatory, but I can't help but feel torn by this. On one hand I want to go farther and have someone else in my pants other then myself and soon, but on the other I don't want to damage my loving relationship with her. One time when we were first dating she told me she would be "ok" with me losing my virginity to another girl, though I told her that I would never do that, not while I'm with her. I'm not a religious guy, but I do have morals that I adhere to. There are so many things that make our relationship different from those of our friends and parents that neither of us can get much effective advice. I'm almost at my wits end. Please give me a tip or two to help.

P.S.: I would like to add that she is not very shy about showing affection. Though she doesn't do anything too erotic in public, she has at times placed my face in her breasts in relative public (i.e. in the hygiene section of Wal-Mart while there were few around).

Posts: 6 | From: Arkansas | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm not sure why, exactly, we're getting a description of her body. I mention that because it just really rubbed me the wrong way, so I want to put it out there so we can talk without any reaction of mine festering.

I think some of why it bothered me, despite the fact that what someone looks like isn't going to make our advice here any different, is the idea that women "get" men with our bodies or looks. people don't "get" people, and men, like women have a wide range of tastes when it comes to what they find attractive. I'm also not sure what her bisexuality has to do with this situation at all.

But I digress.

It sounds like the boundaries in her house aren't so great. I'm a very open person, but parents and children need boundaries, and a mother offering to give her daughter her own fellatio tips speaks pretty clearly of a lack of them. That lack of boundaries might also explain things like the Wal-Mart incident.

It sounds like she's made very clear she does not want to go further than you have. And you being with a partner won't likely change your feelings of being sexually tense: not the physical ones anyway, as your body, in many ways, really doesn't know the difference between your hand and someone else's.

And given that it sounds like her parents haven't been very good about boundaries, it sounds to me like this is someone where it's hyper-important to honor the ones she is setting with you. It's important regardless, but when someone hasn't had them in their most foundational relationships, it's a real void.

I think you need to stop talking to her about this, and I might even suggest taking a break from having any kind of sexual relationship with this person for a while, not because she has done anything wrong (and I think it'd be important to explain this to her), but because you're having troubles respecting her boundaries, know you need to, and dialing things back might help you do that. I also think we perhaps need to talk about you pushing her last time: that's just not okay.

Lastly, I'd suggest not getting into detail with your friends in talking about your sex lives. I know it's common to do so, but it's also private and probably is not helping either of you here.

Can I ask when the last time was you two just sat down and talked about how you both felt about your relationship as a whole? Not just about the sexual aspect, but the whole thing, both very honestly?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
zeldafreak1995
Neophyte
Member # 43389

Icon 1 posted      Profile for zeldafreak1995     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
To be honest I described her body because to give an image. Her looks are far from the only thing that attracted me to her. What attracted me to her was how she is the only one I've met that feels the same way I do religiously, politically, and in interests. I felt we had a connection from the start, as cliche as that may sound.

I am a hardcore gamer, there are few of us in my area and finding a girl that enjoys watching me play Zelda is rare, especially one like her. I described her body because many boys have dated with her or flirted with her, more than the other girls I've dated. This was something I had to learn to deal with as I tend to get jealous, and when she is one of the most well endowed girls of her class I had to manage my jealousy when I heard of one of my classmates groping her or trying to touch her breasts.

I try to let the sex issue sit, but sometimes I get caught up in my emotions and I don't think. This is an issue I am aware I need to address, I just have trouble doing so sometimes.

As far as what she did in Wal-Mart, there was nobody around when she did it though a couple passed as she planted my face. She didn't notice until I told and she was a little embarrassed. Despite her mother's behavior and anything that may have been misconstrued, it's not like my girlfriend doesn't have scruples.

As for her mother, her mom just acts like a 50+ year old teen sometimes. She has described her relationship with her mom was more like that of a sibling mom. Her mom tends to talk about her sex life to those she trusts. Another thing that could play a factor is that my girlfriend is an only child and was a high-risk pregnancy due to her mom's diabetes. Her mother is a bit pampering even though their family can barely afford to pay the bills. I think her mom just wants to make her happy and want's grandchildren in the end. I can understand that, though I she comes on even stronger than I do.

We talk about our relationship often, about once a month at least. Generally we come back to the same thing, I can be a bit clingy and she can be a little unmotivated.

I think the big problem with both of us in our relationship in the end is simply inexperience. Neither of us have hold a relation ship for this long or even this serious. We were even each others first kiss. We don't really have a standard for our relationship other then the usual hearsay of high school (which we are both happily through with), our parents, and our friends who we talk to about their own relationships on occasion. I never even had a had a relationship for more then a few months till I met her.

It isn't easy for me to tell all these details in a simple question. I hope this gives a bit better understanding. I know I need to ease up on her and I really try. I just sometimes get tangled by my urge to go farther and lose my virginity, and my greater desire to never hurt her. My own parents have started to have problems in their marriage surface and I must admit it has made me a bit insecure. This had made me do all I can to not hurt her.

The stem may be haw my father tends to speak cryptically and condescendingly in a "Whatever" tone especially when aggravated and won't say what is bothering him unless hounded, and this drives my mom MAD. So I tell my girlfriend what I mean and try to keep myself from acting as he does. She has told she hates it when I speak cryptically as her mother does this as well only in a mopey "Well....ok, if that's what...." tone.

I apologize for the somewhat messy way this reply has been formed. When dealing with complex issues like this I tend to ramble to give out as much info as I can. I hope I answered your questions. I appreciate your help. This whole story just gets a little complicated. I swear sometimes it feels like something out of real-life romance novel. I also want to apologize for the generic labeling such as girlfriend, I simply would like to keep all involved anonymous.

Posts: 6 | From: Arkansas | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hey, I'm all about the random and the messy, no worries.

Before I say anything else, I want to make sure I say this: none of us are sexually compatible with everyone we like and love. In other words, just because two people love one another, and are attracted to one another, have shared romantic and sexual feelings does not mean that we both also want and need the same things sexually, or have the same sexual timetable.

I know that's never fun to think about, because of course we'd like for all of that to just fall into place and fit. But it doesn't, always. So, I'd just bear in mind as you think about this and you two talk about this that if either of you starts to come to the conclusion that you're just not a good fit in this way, that IS okay. It may be -- though it also may not -- that one or both of you, now or later, comes to the conclusion that a sexual relationship, or a romance which you want to also be a sexual relationship, just isn't the right one for you, because you both want different things. If that happens, while I know it can be disappointing, it really is okay, and doesn't mean anyone is being a jerk, or shallow, or any of that. It also doesn't mean any one person is wrong in wanting what they want or not wanting what they don't want.

Now, I'll go into being a bit messy, too.

I have to question being jealous because a classmate was -- what sounds like -- sexually harassing this girl. That's not good stuff, especially not for her.

When I say there sound like some boundary issues, I'm not talking about scruples or values. I'm talking about boundaries: again, the more you talk about her Mom, the more clear it is that there are some real boundary issues. A parent is a parent, not a friend, and a parent who tries to act like a peer or best buddy both a) isn't parenting and b) often is not creating or respecting healthy boundaries parents and their children need.

I'm going to toss you a few links, which I think might help give you some more to think about, and give us some more to talk about, okay?

Here they are:
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/i_want_to_save_sex_for_later_in_relationships_but_i_cant_do_that_can_i
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/two_guys_waiting_and_wanting
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/shes_21_but_not_ready_for_sex_is_that_normal
Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models
Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist (This is something maybe the both of you could look at together to help you each best understand where each of you is at per readiness better)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
goodmagpie
Neophyte
Member # 42795

Icon 1 posted      Profile for goodmagpie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Have you asked her how she feels about this? I guess if you're frustrated then understanding exactly what she's thinking might help, though as Heather said, if things are a bit tense at the moment it may not be the best time to do so.

Plus I'd reiterate not discussing this with your friends too much; I was with my boyfriend nearly 2 and a half years before we lost our virginity together and in that time the way my friends talked about sex to me totally messed with my head. They too would say how impressed they were I'd stayed a virgin so long and then go on about all their various sexploits, and (inadvertantly) make me feel like they were being really disengenous and making me feel awkward. As I don't really know you, I don't know if this is how you're reacting, but it wasn't until I stepped back and looked at the situation a bit I realised what a negative impact those conversations were having on me.

On that note, have you asked yourself why you really want to have sex with her? It just seems to me that there's a lot involved in this situation that seems very interlinked. I know it's a really tricky one, but again, it might help you organise your thoughts a bit, and even if that doesn't present a solution and can just help you be a little less confused: your thoughts at the moment seem to be a little hectic (understandably).

Posts: 23 | From: UK | Registered: May 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
zeldafreak1995
Neophyte
Member # 43389

Icon 1 posted      Profile for zeldafreak1995     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I think I have been on the right track, after reading your replies I have been trying extra hard to redirect my sexual energy. I have not pushed her at all or even brought it up unless we we're both getting "intimate" for a few weeks now.

The other day I want to her house pick her up, she was going to sleep at my house that night, and we just stopped to cuddle for a bit. Over time we got more and more passionate and as I made a gesture to her pants and she helped me take them off. I don't think I need to say anything more vivid then that. That was the best time I ever fingered her for both of us.

I think my only problem is that I was just getting a bit impatient, though I feel I'm on the road to solving that. Communication has not really been an issue for us, we talk all the time about or lives, or lives together, our sexual aspects, our problems, and so on. I just think the only real issue was I was getting impatient and she wanted to take it slower.

She is a pretty squeamish girl when it comes to certain forms of sex. I have talked with her a few times about some sexual positions I have seen and heard about and I think the farthest she would be willing to go is maybe oral, but that is a pretty big maybe. I have about the same barrier, though understandably I'm less nervous about trying it.

Last night when we were unwinding for the night, and like usual we talked for almost two or three hours past when we planned to sleep, I told her how I felt about sex. I told her the reason I would like her to "give me turn" so to speak is not just to have someone else touch me, but because my favorite part of when we are "playing around" is the blind passion we feel, when it's just the two of us and nothing else. I love that. It's not just the sexual contact, but the passion, the intimacy, feeling of my heart racing. I think when I told her that she got a better understanding of how I feel.

Thank you for the advice, I think I have a better understanding myself now. Thanks again.

[ 08-03-2009, 07:24 PM: Message edited by: zeldafreak1995 ]

Posts: 6 | From: Arkansas | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
zeldafreak1995
Neophyte
Member # 43389

Icon 1 posted      Profile for zeldafreak1995     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It's been a while.

As of last September on a vacation I took with my the same girl mentioned in this thread, we have both lost our virginity. She has become more open and I have been become more in control over my sex drive out of respect for her. In fact, last Sunday we had one of the few times we can be together and in the mood in a private place. We had the best sex of our lives. I don't even know how long we went and I didn't care. It was just perfect. Even she want to do it again sometime soon.

I've always been smart too, using a condom every time and taking my time with her. Our first time she was worried about the pain, but I was slow at the start and let her get adjusted to having me in her. She tells me that sex for her, like it is for me, is enjoyable in a different way to how it when tongue her (which she really enjoys now). It's more positive and intimate while tonguing is more (I think she means) wild. Hell, one time she was horny but too tired to have sex and we didn't have anywhere private enough for her, so I went to her house at 1am and tongued her before she went to bed.

Enough of be telling of my exploits. While it may seem I'm a horn dog and at times I am, I confided in her that sunday that so long as I am with her, I would never betray her and never cheat on her. She is an open minded girl with different views on sex. She told me, so long as she knows about it, she doesn't mind me having sex with someone else for the sake of sex, a fuckbuddy. We told each-other that so long as there is no romantic involvement with the fuckbuddy and it was purely a friend (with benefits) and that we knew about our fuckbuddies then it was OK. More likely, especialy for her, this would be a member of our own sex as we both are Bi to an extent. On the "Gayness scale" of 1-10 with 1 being Heterosexual, she says she's a 4-5 and I think I'm about a 4. Mine might be more of a girl who is wilder in the bed.

I admit I'm the jealous type, I might have less of a problem though if her fuckbuddy was a girl, hell I might ask if she wants to join in with us. She is at least curious about lesbian sex, though she doesn't deny that she loves me in every sense. I just must admit, while I see her stance and even like the idea, I was raised in a less sexually open family. My brother told me most of what I know, and I first discovered the female anatomy when I found some porn a few friends looked up on my computer without me knowing.

Do any of you have a relationship like what she proposed? I know of couples that do this in a way and have loving relationships, I just want to know what you guys have to say.

Thanks for the help you have given me in realizing my issues and resolving them.

Posts: 6 | From: Arkansas | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Why don't you start with a couple links first?
Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models
Polyamorous? Does That Mean You Like Parrots?
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/older_boyfriend_wants_to_add_a_second_male_partner_what_do_i_do

Reading those, you'll perhaps be able to see that if you move forward with this, you'll likely need to be doing some more in-advance and ongoing communication than just the most basic rules you two have discussed so far. If poly or an open relationship is something both people want, something any other partners want to be part of within the "rules" that couple has, and everyone is great with communication (poly requires better skills than monogamous relationships tend to) and with safer sex, poly has the possibility of being just as enriching and positive as a monogamous model does.

I do want to add that it's pretty typical for male partners to imagine that if a female partner has another female partner, that will or could mean that person will want to have sex with both of you. However, just because that person is female, or your primarily partnership is with someone female, doesn't mean that will happen or be what everyone wants, especially that third party, who may not have any interest in you at all, especially if they're lesbian.

So, when thinking about models like this. I'd suggest you think about the possibility of your partner, like you, having a secondary partner of any gender, and of that partner not potentially being someone who would also have sex with or in front of you.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3