I apologize in advance for the length of this post . . .
I recently got back from a 5-week study abroad program in Greece. When I returned by boyfriend of two years and I were having some issues because after being away I realized that the relationship I'm in if awfully serious for someone my age. Both of us are 19 and he's already talking about marriage and babies and how we're going to be together forever. He gets mad at me if I hang out with my friends instead of him and pretty much blows a gasket if I go anywhere near a frat party (I'm in a sorority btw. This was a huge negotiation on my part to get him to be ok with it). So I basically told him that I want to put on the breaks a bit because I need some space. There was a lot of heinous fighting over it but he eventually agreed.
Anyway, my roomate who is also my best friend doesn't especially like my boyfriend because A) Their personalities majorly clash and B) She doesn't like how possessive he is. When I was away their conflict flared up and now they straight-up dislike eachother.
The other night, I was at a party with my boyfriend. He and some of his friends were very drunk and playing a game they call the "nut tap" game where they try to hit eachother in the balls. My roomate decided to participate in the "nut tap" game despite her lack of "nuts". After hitting my boyfriend in the crotch, he tried to hit her in the crotch but missed and instead hit her in the stomach and knocked the wind out of her (and she's also has asthma).
She got so angry that she called her uncle who works for the police department about getting him in trouble for assault, says that she is never speaking to him again, has turned all of our mutual friends against him (and thus to some extent, against me), and has told me that she will lose all respect for me if I stay with him after this. My boyfriend has apologized to her profusely but she will hear none of it.
My boyfriend is about to give up on making peace with her and I feel like I am in a tug-of-war between my best friend and my boyfriend and it really sucks.
It's SO not okay for your friend to put out an ultimatum. That to me is not a hallmark of a good friend, or someone who is really looking out for you. I think you need to make it loud and clear to BOTH of them that the tug-of-war-stuck-in-the-middle thing is NOT cool, NOT fair, and WON'T be tolerated. If they have issues, THEY need to deal with those themselves, not ask you to take up a mediator role.
People can dislike eachother. But c'mon, grow up, guys. The whole drunk party game incident was a mistake, yes, but not grounds for an assault charge. While I feel your friend may have your best interests in mind, she also sounds like she's got her own plans, and to be honest, it doesn't make her look all too good.
As for your boyfriend, the jealousy and possessiveness isn't cool either. In fact, it's majorly not acceptable behavior. Discussions of marriage and children at 19 are pretty premature, I agree. But my concern is more over the fact that he refuses to give you space. Relationships cannot grow and mature unless there is time OUTSIDE the relationship for that to happen, and if you're together 24/7, that time isn't going to exist. This is something he needs to understand and accept. I am glad to hear he agreed to cool things off a little bit, but it also worries me that it took what you consider to be pretty substantial arguing before he agreed.
My advice: their problems need to be THEIR problems, not yours. Tell your friend her ultimatums are not cool and not okay, and that (in nicer language than I'm using) she needs to grow the heck up.
Thank you so much for saying exactly what I've been thinking. It's been in the back of my mind that this is not ok but I felt like a bad friend and a bad girlfriend for thinking it. I think I just need to stick up for myself more often.
Posts: 63 | Registered: Jul 2009
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Now, I thought a bit about whether or not to post this, but given that you mentioned that your boyfriend is unreasonably possessive, I thought I'd throw this link your way.
I think that reading it over can help you get a bit more perspective on your boyfriend's behavior, considering that they're generally warning signs that someone might be abusive (I'm not saying he is, I just want to give you more information. I don't know enough yet to say anything other than express my concern).
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