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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I think I'm way too dependent on my partner

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Author Topic: I think I'm way too dependent on my partner
Bun Bun
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Like the topic says, I think I'm too dependent on my partner. We've been together for a little over two and a half years and before that were best friends for about a year. He's been an incredible source of support for me in the rough times I've been through and on a whole, our relationship is great, if not incredible.

The problem is that while he has a group of friends that he's quite close to, I really don't have anybody other than him. I do get along great with his friends, but they're not people I can ever really see myself getting close to. This is mostly because I am NOT a spontaneous person. I need plans and timelines, and I'm incredibly reliable and I expect my friends not to bail out at the last minute or just be a no show. His friends are usually pretty flaky, but he has no problem with it so that's fine.

A lot of the closer friends I have had this year were in my classes at university. Now that it's summer, we barely see each other because we're all working. It's ridiculous because most of us honestly live down the street from each other, but when I have free time I call my boyfriend instead of my friends. I do call them sometimes, but it's really hard to work around our schedules. It's easy with my boyfriend because, well, he hasn't got a job yet (which irks me, but that's another story).

The biggest problem I'm having is that I feel quite lonely when I don't have my boyfriend around. It's especially difficult when I'm up at 9 in the morning and waiting around until 1 or so when he finally drags himself out of bed. The worst though, is that he's always going out in the middle of the night with his friends because they're all night owls. I have such bad anxiety while he's gone, and even though I should have gone to sleep, I stay up for hours until he returns just so I can say goodnight to him knowing he's safe at home. It's unhealthy, and I know it.

I guess I'm also having some trust issues. He's really given me no reason NOT to trust him, just I guess I have an overactive imagination. It wasn't a problem until he went to a friend's party at a bar one night and got really drunk. He told me he'd leave at a certain time, and he didn't. And there were drugs at the place, but he said he left when they came out. A friend of mine and another friend of his back this up. I believe him completely, I just... I have a really hard time when he goes out with these friends because I automatically jump to the conclusion that there will be drugs. It's silly, because he's had a conversation with these friends and told them point blank that he does not want part in any of it, and they're cool with that. I just don't... I don't want him around it. Like lately his friends have been dabbling in Salvia (it's legal, apparently) and he jokingly said "I want to be around next time they do it because it sounds hilarious". I felt so incredibly uncomfortable and upset by that statement. All in all, I guess just anything to do with any kind of drug use makes me feel uncomfortable. I can't bring myself to trust completely that he won't do anything.

I've kind of wound of ranting a bit here. My questions are:
How can I learn to be more independent so that I'm not relying on my partner for everything?

and

How can I get over this anxiety and trust him like he deserves to be trusted?

also...

Is it too much to ask for him to not be around drugs, illegal or not, because it makes me uncomfortable?

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Bun Bun
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Scratch the last question. Right after I wrote this, we talked and I let him know that it made me incredibly uncomfortable and we've worked things out. He understands completely, and says that he meant that he just wanted to see them acting ridiculous, not anything to do with the drug really. He also says that he won't be around them, and that he's glad that I was open with him about that.

So I feel a lot better.

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Heather
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In terms of the first question, it sounds like simply making some new friends, meeting some new people, doing some new things on your own would be a good start.

If you have nothing at all to do every morning, why not get out there and seek out either a job or some volunteer work? Or, why not start some new project of your own, be it a piece of art, some writing, a garden, a new way to exercise...?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Bun Bun
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Thanks for the suggestions, Heather.

I have a job right now actually. I'm really only on part time though because I couldn't find full time work anywhere.

Things are looking up though! I just found out I got into the class I wanted to take in summer semester, so I will be doing that as well as working in July and August. Also, I'm reconnecting with a gal with whom I used to be best friends all through elementary and junior high school because we work together [Smile] She also lives a block away!

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Heather
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Fantastic!

Glad you mentioned a reconnection, because also, Facebook is great for that, if you use it. In the last year, living in a city where it's been tough for me to make friends (something that's always been very easy for me) a friend and I who knew each other when we were both living in another city discovered we'd both moved here without realizing the other hand, and voila, we both have a great friend back again.

And per the job, you might want to look into volunteer work or internships if you're only part time. They often don't pay, however, can result not only in great experiences, but in great things to have on your resume. Some internships can also be used for college credit.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Bun Bun
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Hmmm I'll have to look into the internships. I originally wanted to get into the labs at my university for a summer job but all the positions filled up really fast. I'm in the biological sciences program and I'm hoping to major in zoology. We have a pretty great zoo here, so maybe I'll look there to see about opportunities and such. Though, it'll probably be something for next summer seeing as I'll be taking this class and working in July/August then going back to school fulltime again in Septemeber.

And yes facebook is great, if not somewhat addictive (especially facebook scrabble and tetris competitions [Razz] )

Edit: (PS, did you ever receive my email reply? I use hotmail, which tends to be pretty shifty.)

[ 06-07-2009, 07:05 PM: Message edited by: Bun Bun ]

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