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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Scared they're all the same.... (Page 3)

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Author Topic: Scared they're all the same....
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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(One other suggestion, even though it might seem silly? How about you make your signature line about YOURSELF and who you are, not about male behavior?)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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Can I ask a realy quick question 1st???

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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Heather
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You can ask whatever questions you like, Hayley, even if it isn't quick.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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ok emmm just 2 fil u in realy quick.
everyone was telling me it was a bad idea
I heard loads of bad stories about him but I know he's friends with alot of his ex's and most f the stories are from friends who've heard things from other people so I decided to give him a chance because I knew there was a chance it was all rumors.
everything was perfect. he was saying all the right things. promising he was different, promising he'd never do anyting to hurt me, telling me he loved me, that I meaned so much to him already, that he can picture himself staying with me for ages, that he's never cheated and never will, promised he'd wait aslong as I wanted before we even discusses having sex, told me time and time again that he wasn't like my ex, that I wouldn't get hurt again. I brought it up over and over again. Brought up stories I'd heard asking if they're true and even after he denied them reasuring him that if they are true I won't be mad and just to be honest, accused him of planning on waiting until I had sex with him and then leaving because people kept warning me that he's like that and he finaly gave up and ended it. Saying that he can't be with someone who dosn't trust him, that he'd doing it for my sake because he dosn't want me to be worrying all the time about getting hurt, that he wants me to be happy. I felt horrible. I took it back. Told him that I didn't mean it and just wanted him to reasure me that they're wrong, that I don't even care about the stories that much and that we shouldn't let them ruin stuff with us. He has repeatedly told me that he loves me, wants to be with me, but that he can't because we have to many problems, that he wishes stuf turned out differently and that he's as upset as I am, that I'm not the only one who got hurt because he wants something that he knows he cant have. Which I don't realy understand. Over the six weeks we were together he repeatedly told me he loved me and asked me to go out with him [we were technicaly not going out, both free to see other people but we might aswell have been, we acted like we were, on the phone or texting each other all the time] and I said no over and over again saying I need more time. I eventualy gave in and said I love him 2 and that I will go out with him. he said I have no idea how happy it made him 2 hear me say I love him 2 but I had just brought up more stories I heard and he refused 2 go out with me until we had that sorted out. Later that day he ended it. He had seemed less intrested for about a week before that. Made very little effort to see me. It always felt like there was something else coming before me, something else he had to do first, something he had to leave me to sort out. I went on vacation for a week and when I got back that's when everything seemed different. It felt like he had lost intrest. He didn't seem intrested until I was ignoring him and then he was sending me three texts in a row asking whats wrong. Felt like one of us was always chasing the other. I gave in and txted him again last nite and apologised again for letting the way my ex treated me ruin stuff with us. His reply was "don't be, u were worth it, even though it didnt happen now I stil think in the future it might" I asked what he meant and he said nothing lol so I'm assuming he regreted saying it or he would have repeated it. When I told him I still loved him he said he feels the same. When I said I miss him he said "nowhere near as much as I miss you" he told me that he was happy with me when I asked but that this is for the best. Did he ever realy care??? Was he just using this as an excuse to end it??? Is he just messing with my head and stringing me along now???

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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and the vacation was a week before he ended it. I got home a week before he ended it like. Did he just lose intrest while I was gone??? does it mean anything that he still nicely responds to my text messages. is he just stringing me along or is this punishment for beleiving the rumors and he's going to let me apologise over and over again and then get back with me???

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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Heather
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Here's the thing: in a lot of ways, this really isn't about him, but about you.

Even if everyone said some guy was AWESOME, when you're not in the right space for a relationship, you're not in the right space for a relationship. And I know all of us here were really clear on all the reasons why we didn't think it was wise for you to get into another relationship, even with the most awesome guy in the whole world.

Some of that is because you clearly didn't seem to be hearing what we were saying, and clearly were so vulnerable to certain things that, for instance, someone telling you they loved you -- way too soon to even really know you -- would result in you being all over it, rather than saying to yourself, "Huh? I mean, yeah, I want to be loved, but you don't even know me yet."

Here's what I'm not open to doing: I'm not open to deconstructing another relationship with you right now, because I think you focusing on that, and not yourself, is a serious distraction. And we also can't possibly know what this guy was thinking or what his motives were.

Can I ask you to take a look at the fact that you seem to default to wanting to have conversations like this, talking about someone else's behavior, rather than talking about yours? heck, even this post started being about how all guys were the same (which they aren't), rather than examining why it is YOU might be stuck in patterns of picking poorly, or rushing into relationships, and thus, winding up with people who aren't healthy or aren't good for you because you aren't taking the time you need to take care of yourself, by yourself.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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In other words, I think one part of you committing to making better choices for yourself has to do with you being willing to focus on yourself, not on the guys. Until you're really willing to do that, I'm just not sure if you're going to be able to create any changes. Do you see what I mean?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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ok sorry [Frown] I just can't beleive I let stuff with my ex mess stuff up with him when everything was going so perfectly and he was making me forget about my ex and move on....be happy again ect. Didnt think I'd be back here already trying to move on again when I had barely gotten over my ex. But ok if you think that's best I'm open to anything at this stage

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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Heather
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You don't have to be sorry, nor do you owe me any apologies. Again, this is about you, and about the fact that you do have some control over this stuff. If you want to change the things you can change, some of doing that is going to mean really focusing on you (and also trusting us when we give you the advice you ask for, like when we say it doesn't seem like dating at this stage is wise), and not on why this guy or that one didn't love you or result in what you wanted.

Cause see, the thing is -- with you trusting us -- I can say that I'm not at all surprised you're back here with something like this. I'm sorry you are, and I certainly wish this hadn't happened, but I'm not surprised. It's what I expected would happen if you went into another relationship so soon, which is why I, and some other volunteers, advised against that.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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what do I do now so?

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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Heather
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Let's go back to what I asked about, okay?

quote:
So, counseling and/or other kinds of support from people who know about abuse: how have you been doing with that? Reading up on abusive dynamics, on how to heal from books and such?

How about developing the other relationships in your life: friends, family? How about with focusing on the other parts of your life, your goals, your hobbies, etc?

As well, are you ready to basically make a commitment to NOT dating, not being in sexual/romantic relationships? If so, how about we say six months?



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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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I tried counselling but I didn't like the counseller and asked could I switch and now my parents are refusing to let me go to another one because they said if I really wanted it I should have stuck with it for longer. But really felt like nothing she was saying was making sense to me....she'd be talking and I'd be thinking "I don't feel like that at all". Just didn't feel like she really got me. And it felt like she was blaming everything on my parents divorce and I can honestly say that it dosn't bother me at all so don't understand what that has to do with the problem if I can't even remember it happening and I'm not upset about it now.

I've re searched everything from abuse to bad boys to healing from abuse to choosing the wrong men. Straight afterwards I got kind of obsessed with figuring out why I stayed with him for so long. So I spent hours and I mean hours lol researching it. Which I actualy found REALLY REALLY helpful.

Have read countless books "Women who love too much" lol "A smart girls guide to a breakup", "It's called a breakup because it's broken" and aload of autobioraphys about women who were physically abused which didn't really help since it was emotional abuse with me.

I've tried to spend time with friends, family ect but I feel like I'm only 50% there. Only half listening to conversations. Too over tired to focus. I'm smoking I'd say double the amount of cigarettes I used to smoke a day from the stress. Just feels like I can't get back to where I used to be.

Even someone mentioned to me a couple of days ago that I've changed so much and that I was always the girl who would never put up with being treated badly and she was sayin "what happened to you???". Came home and cried because I know how right she is. I've dumped guys who've done way way less then what my ex did. I've dumped them, ignored calls, texts and emails for six months and then spoken to them only to accept their apology and tell them to stay out of my life. And now I've just spent the past 9 days begging someone who is clearly done to give me another chance. Offering to do whatever it takes. I felt bad about myself already but I feel worse now knowing how desperate I acted and what he must think of me. Only good thing is I can walk away knowing I did everything I could and that there was no chance instead of worrying what would have happened if I had tried my best to fix it. And sucks even more cuz he's being so nice to me. He text messaged me this morning sayin "go out tonight, have fun, stop worrying, you don't need to be sorry, it was worth puttin up with it to be with you, I love you and I always will, have an amazing night, go crazy!!". I know I should be so unbeleivably happy that he's been so amazing to me. He didn't just end it nicely, he checked in strate after to make sure I was ok, promised he'd always look out for me, reasured me over and over again that he does still care, that I can't fix it, that he did love me and still does. He awnsered the same questions over and over again and he didn't just not get frustrated, he could not possibly have been nicer. I finaly pick a good one [from what I saw anyway even if other people say different] and I managed to screw it up.

Even when sex came up he'd refuse [I wouldn't have done it, was just testing him] because he said "your doing it for the wrong reasons, your saying your ready but I'm pretty positive your not and even though I'd love to have sex with you I want to do it when I feel like your doing it for the right reasons and not just to keep me happy, there is absolutly no rush, when your ready you tell me I'm not going to bring it up but if you want to discuss it just say the word". Could you get anymore perfect????

Ah I'm going back to him again lol ok back to my problems lol

I'm so terrifed of getting hurt that I'm expecting everyone to reasure me over and over again that they won't be like my ex

Although I understand what shouldn't be acceptable I don't have any problem at all settling for way less

I was willing to do absolutly anything to keep my last to boyfriends, including sex before I was ready

Made both of them my entire world.
Would talk about them non stop
Think about them non stop
Analize every problem we had
Constantly switch back and forth from exactic, over the moon happiness when everything was good to wanting to crawl into a whole a die miserable, crying for hours whenever there was a problem
It's like my happiness depends on how my relationship is going
I know I put WAY too much focus on boyfriends
Their opinion of me is the only one that matters

Was so desperate for someone to make me feel the way my ex felt, for someone to just competely distract me, make me feel loved again when I felt so unloved. He came at exactly the right time and said exactly the right things, got in WAY over my head. It's kinda messed up the way I tried soooooo hard to stop myself getting hurt, talked about it constantly, had him reasure me over and over and over again that he would be different that I ended up ruining everything. Trying to prevent myself from getting hurt is what ended the relationship

I don't think I have self esteem issues. I don't think I'm beautiful but I don't think I'm ugly either. Average I guess. I don't think I'm stupid but I don't think I'm amazingly smart either. I don't really have any problems with myself, I just don't think I'm the most amazing person in the world. I don't think many people think they're the most amazing person in the world though lol I don't know why I end up desperatly chasing people who clearly don't want or need me.

Feel like I'm very confused about what's not acceptable in a relationship and what's me just making a big deal out of nothing

Think I often keep my mouth shut instead of standin up for myself cuz I'm scared they won't like me anymore if I do

I second guess every decision I make. Constantly worrying about whether I did the right thing. What would have happened if I stood up for myself instead of pretending nothing was wrong. What would have happened if I had just chose to ignore it instead of starting an argument. What would have happened if I played hard to get instead of acting intrested? what would have happened if I acted intrested instead of playing hard to get?? could I have changed his mind and made him stay with me??? would I have been wasting my time?? if I did this differently would he feel diferently about me?? if I hadn't said/done that would we still be together??

Just feel broken after my ex. I'm over him and would never in a million years take him back. He's since told me he's going to stab me, told me to burn in hell, called me a slut, told me he was over it before anything had even happened with us. Nothing he says upsets me anymore. I just laugh and ignore it. Only part that upsets me is worrying about how screwed up in the head I must be to have chosen him. At this stage I don't care what he does, who he's with, what he says, how he feels, don't want to make peace, don't want revenge just want him out of my life. Only time I contact him is when I'm drunk and it's usualy long rambly text messages that make me feel ten times better. I know you said don't contact him but this is different. It's like with each text I feel a little bit stonger. He sends horrible texts back but they don't bother me because it feels so good to finaly get it all out and say whatever I want to him without worrying. They don't make me want him back, they make me so unbeleivably happy that he's gone.

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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and yes six months is fine with me. will it really take that long??

I'm trying to stay busy but I just don't enjoy things I used too. I don't enjoy going out with my friends because I either feel like I'm being a terrible friend and burdening them with yet another boy problem or else I'm not giving them my full attention because I'm off in my own little world worrying about how I'm ever going to get myself out of this mess. I've stopped drinking because it just bring out the worst and I end up crying all night. The Summers over and it's getting dark earlier and the weathers been horrible and it's just so depressing even without all of this.

I went on the holiday you advised and can honestly say it was one of the best weeks of my life [I had promised my last boyfriend that we could both stop dating other people and only each other and stuff could get more serious as soon as I get home, was trying to use it as a test to see if he actualy cared. See if he'll still be intrested if I disapear for a week or if I'll be replaced by the time I get back]. Just had no problems. Everything seemed a million miles away and everything to do with my relationship was one word, PERFECT. Then I came home and we broke up.

I've just started dance classes but feel like I don't really enjoy it. I'm going to keep going but feels like I might aswell not be there it's not making me feel any better and I'm barely paying attention half the time. Instead of counting the steps in my head I'm worrying about what I mess my life is at the moment.

I'm home schooled and this is my final year so I'll be doing exams next Summer and I have no idea how I'm going to get through that when I can barely focus on reading and watching tv. Don't want to let the stress of past relationships mess up my chances of getting into college but I'm just so un motivated to do anything these days.

I know if I was in a happy relationship I'd be happy, I could study, I'd enjoy time with friends again ect. Aslong as stuff is good with whoever I'm with everything is perfect then as soon as something goes wrong it feels like my life is over. I know it shouldn't be like that. I shouldn't feel like that. My happiness shouldn't depend on that but I don't know how to change it. I know I'm not in a place where I could have a happy relationship right now but I want to get to the point where I'm happy without a relationship before I even consider getting into another one

[ 09-01-2009, 07:45 PM: Message edited by: XXHayleyBabyXX ]

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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Heather
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Hayley: this is a lot to take in, and I'm afraid you've caught me when I'm both at the end of the workday today and am feeling very burnt out.

If another volunteer doesn't step in here, I'll respond to you no later than Friday night.

In the meantime, did you ever get that book I suggested? I say that because it sounds like the books you have been reading...well, were likely not the most helpful choices or the most credible.

As well, if you're going to do any more research before we talk again, I think it'd be helpful for you to research some on codependency. I think it may be some of why your therapist wanted to talk about your parents and childhood.

I think in lieu of some of your last statements, it might be helpful to reflect back on that week you took for yourself again. You say you can't be happy unless you're in a happy relationship, but I think it would be worth considering that a) you clearly can and b) being in a happy relationship with YOURSELF not only counts, it's where you get the foundation for good relationships with others. If we can't be happy single, we're very unlikely to have healthy partnerships.

Here's a link to start with on codependency: http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship

Again, sorry for the delay, but it's important I be fresh with things this serious.

[ 09-01-2009, 07:57 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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Thanks Heather!!!!

Can anyone help in the meantime??

Thanks so much for all your help everyone!!!

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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atm1
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Hayley, yes it can take six months, or longer.

My first relationship after my abusive one was more than a year later. And often, that felt like it was too soon. It varies person to person, but six months is pretty much what I'd consider a minimum for trying to get out of these unhealthy patterns.

Statements like these are really big red flags that you absolutely should not be in a relationship right now:
"I was willing to do absolutly anything to keep my last to boyfriends, including sex before I was ready"
"Their opinion of me is the only one that matters"
"Think I often keep my mouth shut instead of standin up for myself cuz I'm scared they won't like me anymore if I do"

All of those are *really* unhealthy attitudes, and they are things you need to put behind you. Anyone who wouldn't like you because you stand up for yourself is *not* someone you want to be with, and they're not a safe person to be with, period.

I'd sit down with your parents and tell them that you really didn't click with the previous counselor, and that she didn't understand you. Assert that you *need* counseling to get better, and bring up the fact that you're experiencing some pretty classic signs of depression (particularly lack of interest/enjoyment in things you one really enjoyed. That's a biggy). If you had some medical disease and a first doctor didn't make you better, they'd take you to another one, right? Well, it's the same deal here: tell them flat out that you're sick with depression and need help. That may really help them get the wheels going on seeing another counselor.

Also, this "He's since told me he's going to stab me" really worries me. I think you should seriously considering getting a restraining order against this guy since he is continuing to make threats against you. Will you consider doing that?

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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I've done absolutly everything. I've been begging for weeks but my they keep saying that I'm upseting myself and that I have to decide to move on and be happy and that a counseller can't make me get over a boyfriend, that I don't need it and that I just have to stop moping around feeling sorry for myself and decide to change things. That I need to stay out of relationships, focus on school and try and stop going over everything in my head over and over again and just accept that it happened it sucked and now it's time to move on.

He won't actualy do anything. My last boyfriend saw the text messages he was sending me and pretty much sorted everything out and has told me if I have any more problems with him to let him know. He's just trying to upset me, he's not crazy enough to actualy do anything. When he started dating me he was text messaging his ex telling her he's going to burn her house down with her family in it. Looking back on it now I should have walked away there and then but nothing I can do about that now.

I do want to move on and I know I have to. I'd love to be the kind of girl who's just happy on her own, happy being single...having fun with her friends ect. But feels like I need a boy pursuing me to be happy. I don't get the same...I dunno how to explain it...rush? I guess from anything else.

And I know its totaly unrealistic to believe that my last boyfriend [the one who just broke up with me] was in love with me after two weeks but it was just so amazing to hear it again after everything with my ex and I wanted to beleive him so bad..wanted him 2 be telling the truth so badly that I got way to caught up in the whole thing

And he's gorgeous, could get any girl he wanted, has a repuatation for being a charmer. Goes straight from one girl to the next. He could get anyone he wanted and he knew it so was so happy that he chose me that it was like a confidence boost that came at exactly the right time. Right when I needed it. and then my whole world came crashing down again

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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atm1
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Hayley, I'm sorry your parents are being so unsupportive. What's your transportation like? Can you take public transit to an appointment and simply take yourself? If so, we can look into finding some low cost options for you, that you wouldn't need your parents help to get. You could also call your insurance company and ask for a list of counselors that they will cover, and check and see what a copay would be like.
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orca
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Also, your local rape crisis center or domestic violence shelter may offer free counselling to survivors of rape and abuse. So if you can get the transportation down, you might try giving them a call and see what they have to offer.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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I can't go but is there anything else I could do?

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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atm1
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The thing is, Hayley, that there's only so much that we can do here for you, and it's become clear that this is not something (nor should it be something) that you can deal with entirely on your own.

Is there a reason you can't go? Will your parents not let you out of the house to go?

Also, is there another adult that both you and your parents trust, who you could approach about talking to your parents on your behalf? A neighbor, grandparent, aunt or uncle? If you could make it clear to them that you really need help, and that your parents aren't convinced, they might be a good ally.

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Heather
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Hayley, I'm around some today if you want to talk more about this, though I agree, knowing why you can't/won't go to a place where you CAN get some help would be helpful.

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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I do want to talk please if you have time [Frown]

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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Heather
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I do, so why don't you start by filling us in on why you can't go to places where the only limitiation on going seems to be....well, your not choosing to go.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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My parents won't let me and don't think I need it [Frown] and believe me I've tried everything

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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Heather
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But if you've tried everything, why not try that? As we've explained, you don't need your parents permission to go.

More to the point, perhaps, why don't you think you need it? If that's not what you need, and nothing else we suggest is what you think you need, what do YOU think you need?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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I do, they tried to get it free or cheaper with their insurance the last time and they could get it cheaper but not much cheaper.

And I've researched free places but couldn't find any

Your not going to like my awnser to that question lol.

Find someone I like more to make me forget about him lol. But that's what I did and it didn't work lol. It made me get over my ex but now have someone else to get over. It's like the past 5 months have just been either crying over my 2nd last boyfriend, trying to make stuff work with my last or else crying over my last.

I don't no what to do. I don't know what I need. I just want to go back to the way I was before but I don't know how.

Every website I go onto says that most girls stay in abusive relationships because they don't think they deserve better but I did think I deserved better I just didn't want it. I don't understand how to fix it [Frown]

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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and I do want to go but they wont let me
i do think i need it

I didnt want to stop going
I just wanted to switch counsellers

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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Heather
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Well, why don't you post or email your location, and we're happy to take a look for you, too.

In terms of how you answered that, let me give you a few things to think about with that, okay?

1) How might you feel if someone you were seeing's primary motivation in seeking you was both so they felt good about themselves, for themselves, really, and to get over someone else? Not too good, probably: how fair is it, to anyone -- including you -- to be motivated for relationships by those things?

2) Let's say you get into a good relationship with someone else fantastic. How are you going to do when you find you still have YOUR unhealthy patterns in that great relationship with that great person (because you will: some of this is yours, and doesn't change just because a different person is involved)? How are you going to work on those patterns then, and how much more stressful might it be to do that while a relationship is riding on it?

3) Perhaps more to the point, since we know -- full well -- that the kind of issues you have been having, and the kinds of things you need healing from, simply aren't fixed by other relationships (when I say we, I mean we who work in relationships, study them, get really educated about people's dynamics)... how much time in your life do you really want to spend in these kinds of cycles?

All of which also begs the question: who is the kind of person to help you figure out what you need and help you work on that? Hint: not a boyfriend. The fact that you keep coming back here with this stuff again and again: what are you looking for in doing that?

Counseling: you come here for counsel. Obviously, it's something that has to make you feel somewhat more empowered and okay, or I can't imagine you keep coming back, no?

The thing is, an in-person counselor, who sees your regularly, in-person, who gives you a big solid chunk of their time? Can help a LOT better than we can, but with the same kind of help you come here for.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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how do I email my location???

I agree with you [Smile]
I realy do want too
I just want to understand it all

What do you mean by the same cycles though?
If I just stopped picking the wrong people then wouldn't that solve the problem?
Isn't that my unhealthey patern??
What is it that I'm looking to change besides my bad taste in guys lol

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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Ecofem
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[Hey Hayley, just writing in to let you know you can user this "Contact Us" form. [Smile] ]
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Heather
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Hayley, I got your email, and I'll do some looking today.

If relationships were only about one person, then sure, just picking the "right" person would fix everything. But they're not.

So, some of this is also about you. For instance, some of this is about the codependency on your part I said something about, about your own esteem, about the way you make your life/self-worth so about being in a romantic or sexual relationship, and also about your own "picker" when it comes to who you choose to date and to stay with.

Additionally, when and if we view ourselves and relationships the way you have been, you're actually pretty unlikely to find someone who is a fantastic person, who wants a healthy relationship, either. That's because healthy people who want healthy relationships don't want codependence, need everyone involved to have whole lives -- not just lives about the relationship -- and are looking for people with solid self-esteem.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Here are some local resources for you:

http://www.bridgewatercounselling.com/contactus.html

http://www.sexualviolence.ie/ (That is for rape crisis, but if you call into them, they likely can help connect you with what you need per counseling to get past other kinds of abuse.)

STEPS: 12 Mary Street, Cork. The phone # is: Tel: 021 4318600. This is a drop-in youth advice and counselling service, meaning you don't even have to call and make an appointment. You can just go right in.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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is the counselling free?
thanks very much Heather!!!!! [Big Grin]

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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Ecofem
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Hi again, Hayley!

While I'm not very familiar with the health care system in Ireland, I would assume that those services are either free-of-charge or at least available on a sliding scale. You can just call or stop by to check. I would assume that the crisis centre and drop-in youth advice and counselling service places are definitely free of charge and possibly even anonymous or at the very least confidential. Again, it's speculation on my part but I think I'm probably on the right track. [Smile]

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