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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Scared they're all the same.... (Page 2)

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Author Topic: Scared they're all the same....
XXHayleyBabyXX
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Thanks so much everyone for your replys. REALLY apreciate it. I'm going to try and keep this as short as possible because I know my posts always end up being ridiculously long.

Ok so new boy, Adam
Very like my ex Jake in many ways
Confident, outgoing, ANGRY, violent, I'm not really sure how to describe it...manipulitive in a way but I'm not sure if it's really manipulitive or if he just does it to wind me up lol for example. We were arguing yesterday because he was after saying some really mean things to one of my close friends and his response to me being upset about it was "I get blamed for everything, everyones always picking on me, your making me go crazy" lol.

And he'll say something and then deny it two minutes later. Or he'll swear at me and then deny it when I bring it up. He's so like my ex in so many ways.

Everyone warned me to stay away from him. I could list the things he said that should have made we walk away straight away lol

Threatened to hit my friend who's a girl [I know he'd never actually do it but he shouldn't be threatening to whether he's planning on actually doing it or not]

Him and his friend recently said about me and my friend "I love these girls, we can say and do whatever the hell we want and hook up with them whenever we want and they never freak out" lol

He drinks way too much. Gets way to violent when he's drunk. Is constanlty shouting and swearing at me

Makes what I would consider very disrespectful comments about girls

He's just bad news
Messes with my head. One minute he's saying he likes me. Then he's trying to hook up with my friend

I went along with it up until today
When he spent like twenty minutes apologising for shouting at me, then he called me by my friends name lol and then he hooked up with her a couple of hours later

I like him. But I can't put myself through this again
THe whole chasing somone who's never going to be intrested thing
I'm not asking for help to get over him or to move on I just need help working out why I'm so attracted to people who treat me so badly
Why can't I just like the nice guys????

Why does a guy have to be constantly hurting me for me to be even a little bit intrested???

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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atm1
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Hayley,

I'm glad you see the same things coming up here when it's still early on. It's a bit unclear to me, but have you ended things with him? If not, I strongly recommend you do so as soon as possible (preferably over the phone if he's violent).

I'm also going to reiterate something that I know has been said here before: you should take a good, long break from dating right now. Two months isn't actually all that long.

I'd also encourage you to work on finding a new counselor. You can make it clear from the get go that you've recently been in an abusive relationship and you want to work on things related to that, particularly your current behavior and feelings, and see what the counselor says. If they say something like "We can definitely start on that issue" that's a good sign, but if they say "well, first I want to understand a lot more about your background" that might mean that they'd be like your past counselor.

I totally get that you might have been frustrated. I had one experience with counseling when I went in and said "I'm having frequent flashbacks of my rape and severe panic attacks. I need immediate coping tools" and the response was "well, how is your relationship with your mother? Your anxiety might be coming from there." It felt awful, in part because it seemed like he was completely discounting my experience (as an aside, when I finally did convince him to talk about my rape, he told me that teenage boys rape because that's what teenage boys do, and I really shouldn't be angry.) That was my first very serious lesson about how there are some bad counselors out there, or at least ones that can't deal with particular issues.

It can be time consuming to find the right one, but I do believe that if you find a good one, you can work on a lot of these issues.

While I'm somewhat trained in counseling, I'm really, really far from being a professional, so you'll probably want a second opinion on this. But my guess is that you fall for guys that feel familiar, and unfortunately familiar=abusive in this case. Backing away from all romantic relationships for a while can be the best way to end up wanting something different. Does that make sense?

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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Yes I have ended things with him. I'm not putting myself through what I went through with my ex again no matter how much I like the person.

I'm just not really sure I think the whole counselling thing will help me [Frown] . I don't understand how reliving the whole horrible experience and talking about the same things I've been talking about for the past two months is going to help. I think it's gotten to the stage where I just have to accept that I made a very very stupid decision and oh boy did I suffer which was my own fault. Made a big mistake and I suffered the consequences and hopefully they were bad enough to make me not make the same mistake again.

I totally agree with your last paragraph. I feel like I'm looking for the same things again. This is going to sound crazy but it's like if a guy seems like nice...normal....simple...it just dosn't fit. It's too easy. It's not a challenge. But then if he drinks too much....does drugs...is violent....treats me badly...it clicks....it just feels right.

Even my friends were telling me that Adam [new boy] is scarily like my ex
Looks the same...acts the same....treats me the same way....

Only difference was my ex acted all innocent...promising he'd never hurt me and telling me how he'd never treat a girl badly

Whereas Adam made constant jokes about being a player....hitting girls...just really disprespectful jokes....

I know I put up with way too much....
Even when he threatened to hit my friend whos a girl. She went crazy...yelled at him for like twenty minutes, slapped him across the face and stormed off

And I was defending him saying he wouldn't have actually done it....that he was drunk and he wouldn't have done it if he was sober....that she was winding him up on purpose and then once I came home and thought about it I was thinkin "what the hell happened to me??? I'm defending a guy who threatened to hit my bestfriend for absolutly no reason and I'm trying to use alcohol as his excuse to make it sound better???"

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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atm1
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The main reason why I suggest a counselor is that long term support (more than what we can provide here) is often necessary to break unhealthy patterns we develop. Another thing you could look into is a support group of some kind. A local rape crisis center should have information on ones in your area. Then, it wouldn't just be focusing on your problems--you'd get to hear more about the experiences of other women who have been through the same thing. Does that sound more like something you'd want?

Also, I don't agree that what happened was your fault. Did you make an iffy decision? maybe. But *he* still abused you. That was his choice. In reality, that had nothing to do with you. He manipulated you and took advantage of you, and that simply wasn't your fault. What you did do was get out and work on feeling better, which is really huge.

What I'd really suggest you do is stop dating until you want another type of guy. Maybe make a list of the things you want in a partner (things like *not* violent, listens to you, etc), and look at that list whenever you're interested in someone new. If they don't match up to most of the things, then you probably don't want to pursue it. How does that idea sound to you?

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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But the things I want are all bad things it seems like....

I know this sounds crazy but I don't want a nice guy who listens to me....

I want someone who keeps me on my toes...I want it to be fun and exciting....I want to help someone....I want to be worth changing for

I don't want someone plain and simple who's perfect already...

I like them rough around the edges

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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atm1
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But don't you also want someone who respects you?

I get what your saying, and that's *why* I'm trying to push you towards counseling and away from dating right now. Some type of therapy (be it counseling or a support group) can help you change what you want. That might involve talking about your past about why you don't want someone who treats you well.

It seems to me that you don't view yourself as worth enough for a guy to treat you well. Or that you only find yourself valuable in a relationship if you're "helping" the other person... Both of those issues require more work than we can do here.

The fact of the matter, Hayley, is that most guys who engage in abusive behavior will not change. And they're highly unlikely to see you as worth changing for. That has nothing to do with you, it's just the way abusive guys tend to be.

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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I know I deserve better though....I just don't want better.....

I'm not attracted to better....I'm only intrested when I'm being hurt...it makes no sense [Frown] [Frown]

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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Heather
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Have you gotten that book yet, Hayley? Started reading it?

Here's the thing: it does make sense, because all of us tend to form pattern sin our relationships. And when they're unhealthy patterns, we have to usually do some work to break them, and take plenty of time between relationships to do that.

I can't tell you how easy it is to fall into patterns unaware, too, no matter how old we are, how much awareness we have about them. Not around abuse, but just something that doesn't work for me, I almost did it myself last month, and lord knows I think and talk about this stuff all the time.

I'm also hearing you say, when you say you want to be 'wroth changing for," that you're looking for fixer-uppers. Butcha know, people are not home improvement projects. For sure, all of us who really get involved and invested grow during relationships, but our essential natures don't tend to change. Again, this is sounding a whole lot to me like it's about your esteem: about you looking to feel important because, in short, a beast will magically turn into a prince for you.

And no one is helping another person by enabling them. Quite the opposite, actually.

I can't tell you how important I think it is -- and this comes back to some of the things I said to you at the start of this discussion -- that you recognize that it's not "quirky" or "weird" to enjoy being done harm, to want a partner who doesn't listen to you or respect you, to want to be at risk in this way. It's patently unhealthy. So, until you can get to the point where you really realize that and WANT relationships which are healthy, I really do not think dating is a good idea. I think it's going to assure you stay locked in this pattern, in fact.

But you have to want to really change it and use your time and energy TO change it, rather than seeking it out again and again, and getting stuck in these relationships again and again. I mean, how much of your life do you want to waste, really? Want to still be in this spot at 40, with gawd knows how much damage to the rest of your life and your esteem in the process? I'm doubting it.

[ 07-05-2009, 10:41 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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I'd also add that the list you made of what you want is NOT all unhealthy. Being excited isn't unhealthy: being excited by being scared, anticipating hurt, by being done harm is. Being kept on your toes? Also not unhealthy. But not when it's about walking on eggshells.

And no one is perfect. But not being an abuser, not being violent, not being a psychopath is not merely imperfect: it's dangerous, and not in a "fun" way. There are healthy ways to seek out risks, if that's what you're needing -- and most people do to some degree. But shacking up with abusive people isn't it.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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In hindsight, I wanted to add/ask one more thing.

Really, truly thinking about it, and feeling it all in your heart, I think it's important for me to ask this, and for you to ask it of yourself: Do you REALLY want something different than all of this right now? Do you really WANT healthy relationships, including one with yourself, and if that may mean not having romantic/sexual relationships at all for a while?

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About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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Ordered the book [Smile] but it hasn't arrived yet.

I don't think I have low self esteem though....
I don't think I'm really pretty or anything....but I don't think I'm ugly either lol
Average is the word I suppose......

It's just boring to me when it's a nice guy...and a healthey relationship....and we're all talking and listening and respecting....

It's not fun and exciting...I never feel anything for the person when it's like that...

I think I kind of always knew I wouldn't be able to change my ex...he was just getting worse and worse and I new it but I kind of enjoyed trying to change him I guess...

I want to be a child phycologist....I liked trying to work out what he was thinking and why he said and did those things and what the best way to help him was

You asked if I want healthey relationships and I guess the honest awnser to that would be no. But I want to want healthey relationships if that makes sense. I want to want someone kind and honest. I want to not be with someone and to be sitting around waiting for them to start loving me enough to change. I want to stop being attracted to all the wrong things...I just don't know how to do it.

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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Heather
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You know, given your age, I can't imagine your basis of comparsion has been THAT big.

In other words, I think when you're in your teens and twenties -- or any age, but with only a few relationships under your belt -- it's very hasty to say you can't ever find healthy relationships that also excite you, or where you feel chemistry.

Mind, I think you also have some models of love and relationships that need work (which may well be why your therapist was focusing on your childhood: we form a lot of these things when we're young), but it is also highly likely you simply haven't had a wide enough dating pool yet to meet enough people where you DO find potential partners who make you feel excited and edgy but who ALSO treat you with respect, love, care and are not abusive or violent.

It does make sense that you say you want to want healthy relationships: that's kind of what I expected. And good for you to know. If you still need to the work to get to WANTING that, you both know where to start, but also have to know dating right now is a really lousy idea. If you're still looking for unhealthy people and relationships, that's what you're likely going to find.

And it's great you want to work in child psychology. However, getting into abusive interpersonal relationships to stretch those intellectual legs? Not smart. If you want to start doing some of that, it'd be a lot wiser to seek out some volunteer work with ACTUAL children (not older people when they are acting like them).

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cool87
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Hi Hayley, I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

You said that you want to be sitting around waiting for a partner to love you enough to change but the truth is an abusive partner doesn't love you, hurting someone is not what love is, violence doesn't mesh well with love, and an abusive partner isn't very likely to change, no matter how much efforts you try to put into that.

Can I ask if you feel as though you're not worth of being in an healthy relationship ? I also hear you about unhealthy relationships being more exciting for you but as Heather pointed out, you're eventually going to experience healthy relationships which are exciting, it just hasn't come yet. I think you do not just deserve a relationship to be exciting but you deserve as well, and most importantly, a partner that treats you well and love you, you deserve to be respected.

Too, I wanted to ask :are you still into therapy ?

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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I know I am. I just don't want it. I know that sounds screwed up, let me explain.

I know I deserve better. I know it's easy to say his loss not mine. But he didn't actually care lol so how is it his loss??? I loved him so isn't it my loss?? I lost someone I care about he lost someone he never cared about and never will.

I know I deserve better. Months ago when we were arguing and he was in the being nice, trying to win me over because he had just screwed up stage lol and he said "you deserve so much better than this" and I said "do you think I'm stupid?? of course I do!!! you don't have to tell me that!".
I didn't deserve him putting me through hell. Nobody does. But ok isn't the best being with the person you love more than anything else in the world?? To me it can't get much better then that. I don't think being with someone else who treats you better but your not crazy in love with is better. To me that was the best. Because I couldn't have possibly found someone who I loved more than him.

I do believe I deserved to be respected but I also think I deserved to be with the person I loved the most in the world. Do ya kinda get me? lol

[ 07-05-2009, 04:57 PM: Message edited by: XXHayleyBabyXX ]

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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cool87
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I do hear you, no worries. You sure deserve to be with somebody you really love you but why couldn't it be with someone you really love that loves as well and treat you with respect ? I'm telling you that's possible, you might just haven't experienced it yet.

You said you lost someone you cared about. Don't you feel it isn't fair for you to put you in relationships like that where loves only goes one way and where you know you're going to get hurt in the process ? I also don't think somebody who hurts you deserves your love.

Do you think that your love for your partner is worth all the pain and the abuse that you're going through with him ? Does being madly in love with somebody makes you forget the abuse that is going on, makes you forgive it in some way ?

May I ask how you feel when that somebody you love hurts you ? Does your love for that person changes ?

Too, what is it about your partner or about what he does that makes you madly in love with him ? Is this about some things he does, his appearance or else ? Is this something you can explain ?

[ 07-05-2009, 05:11 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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That's what I'm worried about... [Frown] that I'm never going to experience it because I never like the guys who respect me [Frown] [Frown] I end up dumping them because they're boring [they're nice lol].

You can't decide who you love though. Ya know what I mean? Like lets say if your Moms an alcoholic [just as an example lol] and a terrible parent and beats you and it's obvious she dosn't care you could just decide she dosn't deserve your love and stop loving her....ya know what I mean??

Your right he didn't deserve my love but I didn't care because I loved him whether he deserved it or not

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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cool87
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Sweetie, you're still young and have a lot of years ahead of you. You're very probably going to experience it, you just haven't yet.

Nope, you're right, sometimes you just can't decide who you love but you can certainly decide who you want to get into a relationship with. You can decide whether you want to act on your feelings or not, you're in power of that, love doesn't have to control your actions. And our feelings (love) can certainly change with time and what we experience with our partner.

And you can certainly ask yourself whether staying with someone you're really in love with is really worth all the pain you go through due to his abusive behavior.

[ 07-05-2009, 05:24 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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"And our feelings (love) can certainly change with time and what we experience with our partner"

What did you mean here? [Smile] I'm sory. I'm not sure I understand

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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cool87
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Like you don't necessarily stay in love with somebody for your entire life. Our feelings towards a given person can change over time.

If a partner for example happens to hurt you over and over again, then your feelings can change too with those experiences and you might end up not loving that person anymore but instead might develop other feelings such as hate towards her. Our feelings aren't static, they change.

And even if you still love a partner that hurts you, you are in power of deciding whether you want to continue the relationship or not. Love doesn't have to dictate your behavior in every case.

I know it can be very scary to leave somebody you love and it can also be very difficult, it takes lots of courage (and you might wonder if you'll still find someone who loves as much during the course of your life and you might be scared of not making the right decision), but sometimes it's really for the best and that's something you'll be thankful of later on.

[ 07-05-2009, 05:35 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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I get it now sorry [Smile]
I just want to fall for a nice guy [Frown] [Frown] they always seem boring to me though. Do ya think I'll just grow out of this obsession with bad boys?? lol

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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Heather
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Well, you may not be able to decide who you love (though I'm honestly not sure love is an issue here, especially in this new relationship: I don't think you're at love yet, Hayley, you just started dating), but you certainly can decide who you spend time with and what kinds of relationships you have with others; what ways you are and are not putting love into action with them (and vice-versa).

I also feel like there is a piece of something huge you are missing when you say you deserved to be with the person you loved most in the world, and that's this: someone who abuses you does not love you back. And when they don't love you back? Being with them isn't a gift, it's a freaking curse.

What you -- anyone -- deserves -- is to be with the people, in relationships, where there is love. All around, not just coming from one side.

And to give you an example, like you did, with family relationships, if your family member is abusive to you, by all means, it's not wise to stay with that person. Doing so puts you in harm, and it also enables that other person to keep on abusing. It's not good for anyone.

One of the things about love is that when we act with love, for ourselves, towards others, we have to make choices around what actions are really about loving and which are not. And again: getting involved with people who are abusers isn't acting with love for anyone, not for yourself, not for them, just like handing that drink to an alcoholic parent wouldn't be.

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cool87
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You don't need to be sorry. It's fine.

If that's something you've tried to do but found you weren't able to do, then sometimes you just need help, such as the help of a counselor to help you get out of this unhealthy dating patterns. Is counseling something you've considered ?

I know how it feels. If that might help, I had an habit personnally of dating bad guys too and was caught in this pattern. While this wasn't because it was exciting to me, it was just because it was just my own way to hurt myself instead of cutting or other means.

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Heather
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And like I said earlier, you are young: you are really just in the first few years of even exploring dating and romantic relationships, so I think it's MIGHTY early to be talking about "what always happens."

I not only think that if you put effort into changing your patterns, will you get past abusers -- let's not try and make abuse cute or charming by calling them "bad boys," eh? -- you'll also start to be able to meet people who BOTH excite you AND treat you with love and respect. In fact, you will probably start seeing them a whole lot more clearly than you do at this point.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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orca
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(Just to add in on the abusive parent/family analogy: Personally, I think we get to make our own families. Sometimes our families can seriously suck or even be abusive and toxic for us to be around. Staying around for that isn't healthy and I don't think anyone has an obligation to stay with a person who does them harm, whether or not they share the same blood. Family isn't the people you share blood and genes with; they're the ones who love you, care for you, look out for you, and are there for you when you need them. Some people may be lucky in that their blood family is also their real family, but a lot of people also create families from friends, partners, even coworkers.)

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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Stephanie_1
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You know, everyone always says that "opposites attract" but the truth of the matter is that there has to be enough there that's commonality in order for the relationship to seem interesting. I think it might be sage for you to really consider what it is that interests you - not in men, but with life in general. What types of things do you like to do, and do you find really exciting? Then find someone with some common ground.

Mind, I'm not telling you to date the male version of yourself - simply someone with some things in common that you really like. That way, you can do some things together that you find really exciting. And when you start to feel like things aren't exciting like you'd want them to be, consider discussing that with a partner as well. Then you can see what else you maybe have always wanted to do but couldn't or didn't have the time to do.

Being nice isn't what makes them boring, it's not looking for ways to make things more interesting when you want that - or dating someone that likes to do those things but also is the nice guy. Boring and nice don't really go hand it hand, it's what's made of the relationship.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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Hey everyone
Finaly making progress lol. Feel ten times better. Stopped all contact with him for five weeks. At the end of the five weeks I text messaged him trying one last time to make a friendship work because I honestly did miss just talking to him and having fun. Wasn't trying to get back together or anything like that. So he ended up saying aload of really horrible things, called me nasty names, told me he never cared about me....never loved me ect but it was when he called me a lier that I finaly snapped and told him exactly what I think of him. Felt so good to finaly be completly honest. For the 1st time ever I wasn't scared of him any more. Can finaly see him for what he really was and everything just seems so much clearer now.

So there's a new boy on the scene lol and I'd love some advice [Smile] [Smile] . I've known the name for years and seen him around but never actually talked to him. Lets call him Adam. Him and my ex have HATED each other for years and my ex recently started going out with a good friend of Adams. Adam knew that he had just broken up with me and wrote to me on facebook asking what happened and saying that he was worried about his friend being with my ex and knew he was going to hurt her. He had also seen me around and knew who I was and he seemed really nice so we traded numbers.

He had a girlfriend at the time but we text messaged each other non stop for a couple of weeks. Then after him and his girlfriend broke up he asked me out. IT WAS PERFECT lol. He was nice, sweet, funny, charming. Everything my ex was at the start. We've gone 7 times since and it seems like it's getting better and better. It's just fun...and I know this probably sounds crazy but it's weird....not worrying...not being scared all the time or feeling like I'm walking on eggshells.

He keeps asking me if I want stuff with us to get more serious [as in only go out with each other....right now we're both free to go out with other people even though I havnt wanted too and he's saying he hasn't either]. He knows about my ex and knows that it's really hard to trust guys again after all of that and has told me over and over again that he isn't going anywhere and to take my time and that he'll wait no matter how long it takes.

It seems to good to be true which is exactly how I felt about my ex at the start. Is this a bad sign??? Or am I worrying too much?

The only problem is he has a REALLY bad reputation for treating girls badly, cheating and being a complete player. I've heard so many stories and it seems like everyone I ask says he's bad news. He aparently went out with three girls at the same time....dumped a girl for refusing to have sex with him...cheats on everyone....uses girls for sex. But at the same time I havn't actually heard any of this from anyone who's friends with him. It's all rumors.

I've asked him about them and he denys everything. Says he never cheated on anyone he's gone out with. That it's all lies. I don't know what to believe.

He's been so nice so far...so understanding and patient about me needing time before stuff with us gets any more serious.

We've had several opportunties to have sex [I wouldn't have done it. I'm just saying we could have and he didn't even bring it up].....we were both drunk and he ended up stopping me [we were only making out] and told me that it dosn't feel right when I'm drunk.

He reminds me so much of my ex but it's all the good things. Even stuff they say....so alike.
And the way he's trying so hard to convince me that he'd never hurt me, make me do anyting I don't want to do, cheat, treat me badly....is this kind of suspicious? We've only been dating for nearly 2 weeks and he told me last night that he's falling in love with me. Is this a bad sign??? I don't undertand why he'd lie.....it's obviously not to get me to have sex with him because he's told me time and time again that he'll wait as long as I want and that if six months from now we still havn't had sex he'd have absolutly no problem with it.

I know it's WAY too early to be sayin "I love you" but at the same time I don't get why he'd lie about it.

He seems like the complete opposite of my ex in a way but sometimes they seem scarily alike.

Should I just trust him that the rumors aren't true??? I don't understand how that many people could be talking about him cheating....using girls...being a player if there's not some truth to it though......

Another thing that worries me is when we were text messaging each other at the start and he had a girlfriend he asked me several times what I'd say if he asked me to have sex with him and I kept saying you have a girlfriend and he kept saying "I know, I'm just wondering".

I don't know if he was asking because he wanted to cheat and he would have done it if I had said yes. If stuff with his girlfriend wasn't going to good and he was trying to find out if starting something with me would be an option if he dumped her or if he really is telling the truth and he was just curious lol.

I've brought this up since saying that if we ever did start going out how do I know he wouldn't do the same thing and that I wouldn't be ok with my boyfriend texting other girls asking hypothetically speaking whether or not they'd have sex with him if he asked and he defends himself saying that he was only messing around and he wouldn't have actually done it but has also said that since I've explained that I wouldn't be ok with it he'd never do it with me even though he dosn't think there's anything wrong with it.

HELP!!! I really like him and everythings going so well so far

[ 08-01-2009, 02:47 PM: Message edited by: XXHayleyBabyXX ]

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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Heather
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When you hear that many consistent tales about someone, and they come back and say there is NO truth to ANY of them, it's smart to be quite wary. As well, someone moving things up very quickly, especially coming right on the heels of knowing you had a breakup also tends not to bode well. I'd also agree that him initiating a relationship or questions about one with you while he was still with someone else is another not-so-great sign.

I earnestly think a new relationship now is probably too soon for you. Our character judgment is often seriously skewed after abusive relationships, and most people tend to need time -- months, even years -- and work to rebuild that back to a better radar.

However, if you are dead-set on staying in this, my advice would be to simply take things very slow. Don't commit to anything for some time, feel things out over the next few months, see how it goes. He's saying a lot of things, but why not give this a good deal of time to see if what he's saying matches up with his actions? Someone saying they'd wait six months for sex, for instance, and someone not only actually doing that, but being cool about it over that time, is something else entirely. It's easy to say things, after all.

I'm glad you're doing better, Hayley.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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"As well, someone moving things up very quickly, especially coming right on the heels of knowing you had a breakup also tends not to bode well"

Could you explain this part? [Smile] why is it a bad sign?

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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Heather
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Abusive or decepetive people often seriously rush in: it's a way to kind of keep the other person off-balance, or from seeing what's really going on. There's also a certain opportunism about people who rush in right after someone has gotten out of an abusive or unhealthy relationship, rather than recognizing you probably need some time to yourself.

That isn't to say that healthy relationships can't sometimes move fast too, or that people in them can't have strong feelings quickly. However, in healthy relationship, what you're going to see are either people perhaps having those feelings but taking their time to voice them, OR if they voice them, having conversations around things feeling fast to them too, checking in to make sure no one is rushing too much, etc.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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back to square one. this is seriously the worst year of my life. lasted about six weeks. he ended it about a week ago and I still feel horrible. I know it was only six weeks but it was just so nice to forget about my ex. Was realy startin to fall for him and I fell for all the same lies.....maybe he was telling the truth but I guess if he was he'd still be with me right now.

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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Heather
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Hayley, I'm sorry you got hurt. However, I feel like this is a good window of opportunity for you to change your patterns.

So, what are you going to do NOW to make different choices, choices that really are much more likely to result in positives for you? Are you ready to, for instance, take sound advice and stay OUT of relationships for a while, a really GOOD while?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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yes

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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Heather
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Okay, so what's your plan with this?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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I dont have one lol help!!!!!

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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Heather
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Okay. Well, let's maybe start by touching base when it comes to what you've done to heal and recover from your previous abusive relationship. if I'm forgetting anything we've already talked about, I apologize.

So, counseling and/or other kinds of support from people who know about abuse: how have you been doing with that? Reading up on abusive dynamics, on how to heal from books and such?

How about developing the other relationships in your life: friends, family? How about with focusing on the other parts of your life, your goals, your hobbies, etc?

As well, are you ready to basically make a commitment to NOT dating, not being in sexual/romantic relationships? If so, how about we say six months?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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