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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » How can I vent without taking it out on her?

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Author Topic: How can I vent without taking it out on her?
Namida
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I've been with my girlfriend for almost 6 months and we're both freaks who almost never go to sleep before midnight and rarely before 2 am. We spend that time texting or chatting online. Monday night however, she had a nap in the afternoon, so I hadn't talked to her all day. Around 8 she wakes up and sends me some indignant messages about not waking her when a show she wanted to watch started. After some relatively sparse messages she tells me a little after 9 that she's going to bed.

Today she's been totally AWOL and about half an hour ago I found out she'd been awake until after 2 on Twitter last night but hadn't signed into MSN so she didn't have to talk to me.

I've not had a proper conversation in over 60 hours because my one "reliable" friend has fallen for a guy and (again) forgotten there's other living beings on Earth besides him (also see the PPS for explanations on why I'm lonely).
So, aside from how I feel about her lying and avoiding me I'm also feeling incredibly lonely, and when I'm lonely I get angry very easily. So right now I'm absolutly furious with my girlfriend, much angrier than I've ever been with a partner before, ever.

How can I vent it when I'm going to be lonely and angry and it snowballs like it does? I haven't ever used angry words on a partner and I don't wanna undo that when she finally gets around to speaking to me.

PS. Sorry for the length
PPS. Sorry about the rant factor, but it helps... some.
PPPS. She was also out of touch at a friends place all weekend but I'm not going to let my insecurities get to me and jump to conclusions

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And still the beds are burning, burning in our sleep.
Take me away from everything I see.

Posts: 66 | From: Australia | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JamsessionVT
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You know, you aren't going to get any different advice for your issues with your partner until you show us that you've COMMUNICATED with her.

You have a thread posted in Ask ST about this as well. The advice there was to talk to your girlfriend, and I would say that's still the most sound advice here.

We can control out emotions. We have that ability. And to be honest, it's not really ever OK to be this angry with a partner when you haven't sought any sort of reasoning or found out why she's behaving the way she is. We don't really know what's going on in her head; it's very possible she can sense your anger and is too afraid to approach you. I think that's a pretty reasonable response, especially given that you haven't tried to approach her either.

So, when you go to talk to her, you need to keep your head. I think you're justified to express frustration here, but it's NOT cool to have it turn to a yelling match.

I think it might also be worth finding other ways to avoid feeling like you do when you're alone/feeling lonely, because getting angry isn't at all productive, something I sense you recognize. We all are going to have periods in our lives where we feel like there's no one there, but you cannot let that sense of abandonment turn into something possibly harmful to you or anyone else.

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Abbie
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Posts: 3987 | From: Greater Burlington Area, Vermont | Registered: Apr 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Namida
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The ask ST post was after she was crying to me about missing her ex, this one was the day before that.

And she was actually avoiding me on her own, I tried to talk to her but she wouldn't hang around and I live too far from town to just visit on a whim, especially now I'm under late night driving restrictions. We're talking now as a matter of fact, she says she'd gone into a depression but wont say what caused it.I know it's not ok to get into a shouting match, it's why I came here.

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And still the beds are burning, burning in our sleep.
Take me away from everything I see.

Posts: 66 | From: Australia | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JamsessionVT
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It still occurs to me that there is a pretty serious lack of communication here. The internet and MSN and Twitter and Facebook only work so well when we're talking about serious communication; in fact, I find the internet in general to be a really, really crappy way to try and communicate with someone regularly. You need face time in a relationship.

It's still very possible she's afraid of approaching you because she knows you're upset.

Can I ask what you HAVE said to her about all of this? Ignoring the fact that she appears to be avoiding you, what kind of conversation have you actually had about how you're feeling?

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Abbie
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Posts: 3987 | From: Greater Burlington Area, Vermont | Registered: Apr 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Namida
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I live too far from town to visit most days (I'm under a late night driving restriction now and that doesn't help) and we're both studying (her high-school, me an accelerated university course) so face time is the weekends, unless she's away at a convention 1 weekend then avoiding me like the plague the next -_- .

I ask if things are ok, she doesn't answer and changes the subject later I try again and ask what's bothering her, she changes the subject but soon leaves without actually saying bye. When she's on next I tell her I'm worried and I want to know what's wrong, she doesn't answer and changes the subject...

Last night she said she was feeling better and we talked about it but she still wont open up much.

[ 05-02-2009, 12:42 AM: Message edited by: Namida ]

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And still the beds are burning, burning in our sleep.
Take me away from everything I see.

Posts: 66 | From: Australia | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Namida
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BTW that -_- face was for her

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And still the beds are burning, burning in our sleep.
Take me away from everything I see.

Posts: 66 | From: Australia | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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