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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » getting over this bs

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Author Topic: getting over this bs
Member # 35485

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I know I'm far from the first person to go through this situation, but I'd like some advice.

No matter how many times I list the reasons why I should never give my ex boyfriend another thought, and no matter how extensive that list gets, I can't seem to push him out of my thoughts, and I'm starting to hate myself for that. I have no reason to care about this person anymore--he turned out to be someone who wasn't worth my time or love. I never got closure on the break-up, he told me he wanted to be friends and then later, when I thought we were becoming friends again, told me that my contacting him made him "uncomfortable"--this was the last in a long line of bullsh** he gave me when we last had contact. He was for some reason surprised I was still contacting him (he said I "didn't seem like I wanted to talk to him" when he dumped me--no sh**, I didn't want to talk to him while he was dumping me when my dad was in the hospital and I was vulnerable), even though he had told me he hoped we could still be friends, and gave no indication otherwise when I was first testing the waters communication-wise. The unfairness of him leaving practically scot-free, without any icky or uncomfortable feelings, while I'm trying not to be a mess and getting stomach aches when I think about him, is really eating at me. I hate that someone I was so close to is forgetting me so easily, while I'm struggling and going through so much sh** [Frown] I want to forget this person forever. I'm tired of secretly hoping for an apology or acknowledgment that I know is not going to happen.

I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty. --John Waters

Posts: 206 | From: Bay Area, CA | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 35485

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I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty. --John Waters

Posts: 206 | From: Bay Area, CA | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 41699

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I know that lack of closure can feel terrible. The way I've gotten over that feeling, and to stop myself from thinking about a shithead of some form, is to keep myself really busy. Hang out with tons of friends, pick up 109453 hobbies, read a book. I find reading really helps me escape feelings like that. You just have to keep yourself from dwelling, and after a while, he'll eventually fade. Hope you do okay [Smile]
Posts: 1311 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 39969

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Been in a very similar situation as you, not exactly, but pretty close. First off, I'm really sorry you have to go through anything like this. It's absolutely horrifying to deal with these sorts of things--waiting for phone calls that'll never come, checking for emails that'll never be sent and growing more and more resentful over waiting for somebody who treated you poorly and wondering why you even care about having somebody like this in your life.

I guess the only helpful advice I can tell you is that you should take a step back and see why you're having trouble moving on. For me, I had trouble letting go because I couldn't let go of what had happened in the actual relationship. After spending a lot of time sorting things out, I think I can gradually start to let go of everything. Maybe you need to take a look at what happened between you two and see if there's something specific that's still troubling you.

I know it really sucks that he's waffling on talking to you after you break up. I'm guessing that maybe you would like to talk certain things out, and you hope that by doing so, it can help you make peace with your relationship? Chances are, it won't happen. I think some people need to shift responsibility to others because they can't face up to their own decisions, and I think your ex may be like that as well. In waiting for some acknowledgement from him, I think you're hoping for, or wanting, some sort of consideration or empathy that he might not possess, at least at this point in his life.

As for him moving on right after he broke up, there are several possibilities. The person who does the breaking up usually has made peace with what's happened, and so on the surface, it appears that he has moved on like nothing has happened. In reality, maybe he dealt with it for several months beforehand. Then again, sometimes people just get dumped on for no good reason and there are no nice explanations that will alleviate your pain. Unfortunately, there is really no answer to this, and it's unlikely you'll gain any special insight from me or anybody else. Sometimes you just have to accept things happened like this. It's probably one of the most difficult hurdles to overcome, in my opinion.

Anyways, there are the usual things you can do: go out with your friends, pick up a new hobby, travel, watch movies and meet new people. Even if you're not interested in seeing anybody, going out and simply knowing there are other "fish in the sea" can help you gain some perspective on things.

Anyways, I'm sorry you're going through this. These types of break ups are really very painful and having no closure can make it very hard to move on. On a personal level, it's difficult to acknowledge that you need someone else's help to get some closure and that other person quite simply doesn't care how he leaves you--closure or not.

The only other thing I can tell you is to give it some months and see if you can recover. If not, then you might just have to consider seeing a counselor.

One of the few good things about this type of experience is that it'll remind you never to treat somebody else like this.

[ 04-15-2009, 08:32 PM: Message edited by: BobbyC ]

Posts: 21 | From: USA | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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