Donate Now
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » How do you deal with jealousy?

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: How do you deal with jealousy?
curiousitykat5869
Neophyte
Member # 35297

Icon 5 posted      Profile for curiousitykat5869     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
My boyfriend and I have hit a rough patch recently, and it stems from a number of problems, but one of them is mostly that I'm jealous.

I have a kind of bad trust history, especially from my high school years. My brother was on heroin for a while, and he was lying to everyone, and my dad kept lying to my mom and trying to get me to lie to my mom, and I had a lot put on me as far as struggling with trust. And then I got involved with an older guy for a bit. Naively I wanted a relationship while he just wanted someone to fool around with, so when he kept giving evasive answers to important questions about boundaries, and then he'd behave very fickle in terms of his own responses, it wasn't very helpful.

I was never too jealous in terms of my boyfriend until one occasion with a girl who from the get-go was inviting him to winter formal and everything else, and I told him I was uncomfortable with it and I'd prefer if he didn't go, but he told her yes anyway because he was so flattered by the offer. I ended up having to beg him not to go with her, and I felt terrible about it, but something seemed really wrong about it, especially after he asked "Are you ok with this?" and I said "No. I'm sorry. Please don't do it." and he was going to do it anyway.

That was the first time when I really started getting anxious, and I was still upset for a while afterwards because he was spending a lot of time talking to her and hanging out with her, and I'd never even met her.

Now, my boyfriend is a very private sort of person anyway. He doesn't really like doing things in groups or anything else. But we've been together a year and nine months now and, while he's always more than willing to come out with my friends and I, he hardly ever invites me to go out with him and his friends. It's always "Well, I see you a lot. I want time just with my friends." And I understand it. I really do. But I feel like he isn't proud to have me as a girlfriend or something. I want to include him and have my friends get to know him, but when we run into friends of his I haven't even met, they talk for a bit and go their separate ways. I don't even get introduced. One of his female friends who he has a bit of a history with goes out to dinner with him once every month or two. Her boyfriend is a bit jealous, so he always goes to dinner with them. I've never been invited. I've met this girl once, and that was at a movie.

I try to be ok with things. I try really hard. But half the time I end up trying to manipulate my boyfriend one was or the other and it's so unfair to him. When it doesn't work, I'm mad at him for not falling for it (even though I don't think he SHOULD fall for it, at the same time) but when it does work I'm mad at me for depriving him of getting to see his friends. It's controlling and possessive and stupid. And I recognize it. But at the same time, the jealousy just HURTS so BAD. It's like getting punched in the stomach. And there's no REASON for me to be jealous. It just seems so stupid and pointless to feel so helpless and frustrated half the time, and to want him to have a great time and have friends and have a life of his own but at the same time wanting to be (and feel) included in it.

I've been getting better, but it's still really sore for me a lot of the time when he doesn't even try to include me in any of his plans and I'm still trying to include him in mine. I don't understand why it's ok for him to go out in a group when MY friends are involved, but not ok when it's his friends and I'd be tagging along. The other day he surprised me at work right near the end of my shift, and I was going to ask him to go to dinner with me, but before I could he said, "But I have to go now, ___ and I are going to dinner." and then left. And I was really confused. Afterwards I asked if her boyfriend was there, and he said "Yeah, of course". And when I asked him why I couldn't have been invited to go, that it was the end of my shift and I could have gotten off and had dinner with them, he was like "Well I didn't really think about it. I spend a lot of time with you anyway." So he came to see me and surprise me, but only for five minutes because he was going to go out with some girl and her boyfriend, he spends a lot of time with me anyway.

I understand that I can't keep dealing with this how I have been. It's not fair to either of us when I feel jealous like this, and especially not when I start getting on the verge of being manipulative. It's even gotten to the point if I wonder if maybe it would be healthier to just break up. I really am not as controlling as I might seem to be. There have maybe only been three occasions where I've actually basically begged him into not doing something because I was just in so much angst from the jealousy. Regardless... I don't know.

I've tried talking to him about it. A lot. And trying to explain to him where a lot of my trust issues come from and the fact that it really isn't him doing anything wrong. Actually, my trust issues in the relationship don't even feel like they're me being suspicious of HIM, it's me being suspicious of the people he's WITH. And I've tried to compromise, asking if I can just meet his friends and maybe get to know them. I feel like things would be so much easier if I just knew who he was spending his time with. For example, this week he's going on a camping trip with a bunch of people from his school. Three girls and one guy. I haven't met any of them. And I wasn't invited to come along. And I'm so anxiety ridden about it because I don't know who any of these people ARE and he's going to be going god-knows-where and doing god-knows-what with them for three days.

And the thing I'm having the hardest time dealing with is that he NEVER feels jealous about ANYTHING I do. He's never felt any sort of deep jealousy. So he has no idea how much it hurts and no matter how much I try to explain it he just doesn't get it, and I think it makes him take it less seriously when I get jealous or upset. He's the same way with everything though. He never really feels emotions the same way everyone else does. He doesn't understand why people are grief-stricken when the people they love die. And he's a sensitive guy, I know he is, but somehow he's missing whatever it is. Whatever sort of sympathetic, empathetic reaction.

I don't know. I know this is long and kind of rambly, but I just need help. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should go back into counseling (I had a bad experience previously, and I don't think my family can afford it right now anyway) or end the relationship or just try to grin and bear it despite wanting to scream and cry when I start feeling so down like this.

Posts: 11 | From: PA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
curiousitykat5869
Neophyte
Member # 35297

Icon 9 posted      Profile for curiousitykat5869     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Anyone? Please? I need help...
Posts: 11 | From: PA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm sorry you haven't gotten a reply on this one yet, curiousitykat. Personally, this is just one arena that just doesn't resonate with me at all personally (I'm like your boyfriend in that), and is very far outside my emotional experience, so I was hoping someone who had some sort of personal tie to it would answer.

I can have a go at it if you like, regardless, as I can address it without that (just not as well, I think), or we can wait a bit more. What would you like?

[ 04-07-2009, 07:26 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
curiousitykat5869
Neophyte
Member # 35297

Icon 1 posted      Profile for curiousitykat5869     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I guess, in a way, to wait then. But I'd still appreciate some sort of feedback, even if it isn't in a way that ties in. Maybe since you have the same emotional experience as my boyfriend you could give me an idea of what might be going on on that end? He isn't particularly wordy when it comes to describing the way he feels about stuff, so I know asking him won't get me very far.
Posts: 11 | From: PA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Sure, I can do that.

Personally, I'm one of those people who does like a lot of privacy, who does need a good deal of my own life, separate from a partner's life, and who really doesn't deal with sexual/romantic jealousy. In part, when it comes to relationships, for me, that has to do with maintaining my own identity and keeping from feeling suffocated. I need those separations to feel good being with someone, to feel like I have things to share, and to be one part of something, not a unit I'm mushed into, if that makes sense?

I'm not sure it's sound to consider his not getting jealousy to his not getting people dealing with a loss of someone dying, or, if you're doing that, to compare feelings of jealousy to feelings of loss like that. They are pretty different things.

Jealousy, ultimately, is about envy, about feeling threatened. The wiki entry on jealousy explains it well, saying it "typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival. This rival may or may not know that he or she is perceived as a threat."

So, can you talk more about who or what it is you are really feeling jealous OF? I don't feel like I can tell what or who exactly it is you're feeling jealous of. Is it really about jealousy at all?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
curiousitykat5869
Neophyte
Member # 35297

Icon 1 posted      Profile for curiousitykat5869     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I get having your own identity within a relationship.

Also, per the "I'm not sure it's sound to consider his not getting jealousy to his not getting people dealing with a loss of someone dying, or, if you're doing that, to compare feelings of jealousy to feelings of loss like that. They are pretty different things." that's a comparison that he made in his conversation with me. He feels like he's "missing out on part of the human experience" because he doesn't feel jealousy, or loss, or anything like that.

I don't know what I'm jealous of. That's the problem. I just feel jealous and anxious and horrible. I want to know how to cope with the feeling.

Posts: 11 | From: PA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
curiousitykat5869
Neophyte
Member # 35297

Icon 1 posted      Profile for curiousitykat5869     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I guess most of it adds up to the fact that I feel like I want to be a LITTLE included. I don't think that to have your own identity you have to have a whole separate group of friends that your partner has never met. I'm not asking to be with him all the time, or to always go out with him and his friends. I just want to meet the people he spends time with because I get uncomfortable when he's hanging out with a lot of other females that I've never met. I don't think it's unfair or asking too much to, at the very least, get an introduction.

I also hate the double standard that he's using. That he "doesn't like going out in groups" and "wants one-on-one time" with his friends, but he is always more than willing to come out in groups with friends on my side. (Who he now considers to be "mutual friends" for the most part. One, maybe two of the people on his side are a "mutual friend" and even then he spends a much larger percentage of time with our "mutual friends" on my side than I do with his.) And that, in situations like with his one female friend, it's not even one-on-one time. It's one and a half couples on a double date because her boyfriend gets jealous and ALWAYS goes to dinner with them. Is one dinner with them too much to ask for?

Posts: 11 | From: PA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hunnybunny888
Activist
Member # 29737

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hunnybunny888     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
when you talked with him, have you tried being really straight forward? ie. just saying it's really important to me that I get to meet some of your friends. I don't want to hang out with them all the time, and we can even cut down on some of the time we spend one on one, or with my friends if you think it will be too much, but it's really important to me that I get to meet them and hang out with them once in a while. So, the next time you go out to dinner with your friend and her boyfriend, can I please come along?
Posts: 246 | From: canada | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3