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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » spinning around

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Author Topic: spinning around
kamille
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Hi,

My boyfriend and I are both students in University and we have a lot of classes and homework. He also works three times a week...therefore, we don't have that many days to hang out. However, school is almost over, so we will have more times to hang out except that we will be working full time.

I am constantly the one who has to come up with ideas for what we should do together. It's really tiring, and I make it evident that I don't want to be the one always coming up with ideas. Ultimately, I end up deciding anyways. I don't know, it's almost as if all he wants to do is relax all the time, which I'm fine to do occasionally because I like just lounging around... but if you want to just relax, SAY SO! I've also told him that repeatedly but he still says..."I don't know, what do you want to do..." Why?

I just don't feel energetic or enthused to go around in circles doing the same things over and over again...I would love some fun, happy, positive excitement.

Also, because school has been hectic, I don't feel like I've had someone to really talk to about everything. Although, life right now is a whole lot better then it was first semester, probably because I've been socializing with a few more people...I've let go of a few friends who weren't impacting my life in a healthy way...so I'm almost rebuilding some confidence to get back into being a social happy girl. Some friends that are as excited to see me as I am excited to see them...

My best friend is gone right now, she's been gone for 8 months...It's been hard without her...

I'm trying to find things that make me happy, but I just end up going on the computer and wasting time away...I don't know why...I've been having such a hard time to stay motivated and focused...as I speak I'm procrastinating so much homework...I've had no balance for at least 6 months...

I don't know Scarleteen. I don't even know what I'm talking about right now. I'm sure I have more to say...but for now I'm just going to go...

Posts: 125 | From: Canada | Registered: Feb 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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How about you and your boyfriend making an agreement to start with where once a month, he plans a going-out activity? I'd suggest doing that, and making clear that that simply is something you need.

Of course, if he just doesn't like going out, then you two may just need to address that incompatibility and see if you both can live with your difference in this area or not.

Why do you feel like the last six months have left you unbalanced? What do you think you need to regain your balance?

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kamille
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Thanks for answering Heather.

That's a good idea - I mean, he does like to go out, but I think it's probably because money is tight right now, but I don't see why there is a problem of going out and hanging out with more people then just the two of us, we don't have to spend money...

I've been feeling very unbalanced because I go to school which is an hour drive, then I drive home, and I sit and do school work. I don't know how to incorporate friends or ...anything else really. Everything is just a jumble and I don't know how to handle it any more. I haven't ever really talked to my parents about anything at school, or friends, ever really. We have a good relationship, I just can't imagine telling them about things. I can't really imagine telling anybody about things that I have on my mind often...like all the things...I'm a very good listener. All of my friends always tell me about themselves and what's going on in their lives. I guess I'm just closed about some aspects.

Argh and I always feel like I'm waiting for something! I don't know if sometimes people feel the same way as me...I often feel like I'm waiting for something to happen, or something...I'm often waiting for my boyfriend to get off work, and during that time, I could be doing so much stuff!!! But I don't.

Also, I thought I was very good in one subject...but this semester I've received two C's on in class essays...so, I'm really, really confused if I should continue...or find something else I like...I should probably continue...I'm just so upset because I thought I was doing well...and my boyfriend just doesn't understand that I would like some support...but how do I ask for it? And what is support anyways?

And I've applied for two jobs and been turned down recently. So, that's really frustrating too. I just feel like I haven't been my best and contributing to my life...or I don't know? I haven't really been feeling...good enough? For what I don't know though...

I'm just letting this all out I don't even think I'm going to proof read this although I should....

And, a lot of people at university are obsessed with partying and alcohol and drugs. And I know that that's expected of college/post-secondary...but I'm not involved in that kind of stuff.

For example, my friends that I've been slowly moving away from go to parties and all the care about is boys and hooking up and there is so much drama.

But, this newish friend that I'm starting to talk to more who is really nice from my high school (we go to the same uni now) smokes weed with all of her friends (who are my other friends too). However, I don't want to do it, and I'm ok with hanging out when they do it, but I don't want to smell like it...And I think she is cool with not doing it, but she says that her friends only want to do that a lot...so she might be getting tired of it? I don't know.

My other best friend also tried smoking a water pipe recently, and I really disapprove of tobacco use...Please let me know if talking about drugs is not aloud on these boards...I will re-read the conditions...

Writing all of this out makes me realize more and more that I don't like the partying life style that so many people here do. I love to chat with friends and hang out and talk about things and do activates, etc. but getting drunk beyond compare and smoking are not things that I feel I need to do to have fun.

Except...if I don't go out...I feel like I'm stuck on the computer....I know it's not the case...I just am feeling so stuck...so stuck....

I know I have support somewhere out there?

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Bun Bun
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Hey Kamille, I just wanted to say that I can seriously relate to a lot of the things you're going through. I'm in my first year of university and have a long commute as well (up to an hour and a half depending on how well transit is working that day) and I know how exhausting it can get spending the majority of your time travelling and doing work. Do you have anybody you can carpool with on some days? It might take the strain of driving off you and give you those couple of hours to just rest.

You say that you can't talk to people about things. Do you think that maybe starting a journal, or a sketchbook where you can express your feelings would help? If you're into playing any kind of instrument, or singing, or dancing, I'd suggest setting aside an hour or so a day for you to do just that. It's a huge stress reliever, and I find that it helps me deal with whatever's on my mind.

I wouldn't get too down on yourself for not getting jobs. With the market the way that it is, it's pretty hard to get in anywhere, even in minimum wage jobs. I can relate completely with feeling not good enough. I'm a perfectionist myself, so getting a lower grade in a class I thought I'd ace (hey, we've all been there), or not getting a job is really stressful, and it brings me down quite a lot. What helps is to look at WHY things didn't go the way you planned, and see if there's anything that you can work on to improve for next time. My mom always tells me too, that "You did the best you could in the situation and that's all that matters".

I totally hear ya on the friends thing. Since leaving highschool, I've started to grow away from a lot of my friends too, and a lot of the drama that happened in high school. I've found it hard too. I feel like I just don't hang out with anybody anymore because we're just on completely different levels. Have you looked into any clubs at your university? They're a great way to find people with similar interests.

Sorry that that was a bit long. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone! [Smile]

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kamille
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Thank you so much BunBun - you made me smile and I appreciate that so much.

For the first two months of uni I volunteered for the campus radio station and I also volunteered for the newspaper. I had to drop those two "clubs" because it was a hassle and just extra work.

I was involved in dancing, but I decided to stop because the area that I live in only has one dance studio and I'd rather not be involved in it any more.

I totally can relate to you about going out and doing something though. I used to be involved in martial arts so that was awesome. Unfortunately, the time that I could take the classes intervened with my classes and I am currently getting over a leg injury.

I've been having troubles to get motivated to work out because of my leg injury. My physiotherapist told me to go swimming and stationary bike, which sound great to me...but the money, the motivation..etc. I could go on. But I'm going to actually go and do it to rehabilitate my leg after this semester is over which is very soon.

I was thinking about playing squash? I don't know if you've heard about it? I can just swat a ball at a wall for hours. It could potentially be a great stress reliever? haha?

I do have a journal, but I tend to write really pointless things in there that don't matter. Like, I've written more in this Scarlteen post about my feelings then I've written in my journal for 6 months. I do like it though, I can draw in it and be creative.

I thought of taking guitar lessons or mandolin in the summer. I might end up doing that.

Thanks for making me feel better about the job and the marks. I've just been so stressed and I've had no one to talk to...

It can just be so depressing sometimes because a lot of students that are in classes with me looove the university and the student life. However, I think most of them are res people. It can really get disheartening. Every day has been so routine...don't get me wrong - I love reading and lounging and drinking iced tea...but...you know, bunbun.

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Bun Bun
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Boy do I ever [Razz] You know, a lot of the people in res are probably enjoying university so much because they're on their own and living independently of their parents for the first time in their lives. It might not necessarily be that they're loving their classes or the people that they're meeting, but rather just that rush of adrenaline and feeling free and like an adult for once.

One thing I'd like to ask is, are you enjoying what you're doing at university course-wise? I don't mean like those petty little courses that you're forced to take, but the bigger picture. Do you get excited about what you're going to learn, and what you'll be able to do once you've learned it? I ask because if you're not enjoying your degree, then maybe that area might not be for you. It could be making you feel like your classes are just dragging you down instead of inspiring you, and it could make things worse in the longhaul.

As for working out, have you looked into getting a membership at your university's gym (if they have one)? At my university, a gym pass is included in our tuition, but if it's not the case with yours, I'm sure that there's some sort of student discount! Also, I think squash sounds like a great idea! There's a court at my uni, but I haven't gotten around to trying it out yet. I've heard it's incredibly fun [Smile]

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kamille
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Thanks for helping me BunBun [Smile]

Well, I'm looking to get a degree in the course that I've been getting C's in! So that's why I'm really freaking out and disheartened, because I thought I was good at it. And now I don't know where to turn, because I actually really love it (literature) and I'm super interested in learning about all aspects (drama, etc.)

I think the reason is that those two essays were written under pressure in a classroom setting...because when I'm at home and I have a chance to think about everything I'm so calm and relaxed and I can finish it and get an awesome thesis, topic sentences, and supporting evidence.

I seem to be having a problem with in class writing though. I chose to do the provincial exam in high school, and although I got a fabulous mark in the class, I ended up getting a poor mark in the essay aspect even though I knew all my stuff!

It's hard when you've never been taught how to work under pressure and stuff like that. I'm already learning a lot about how uni works though. What I like about university is that I have a chance to well, 1) get an education, and 2) get away from all the high school social hierarchy and drama (which...hasn't been the case recently).

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Karybu
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Just to jump in on one thing here, kamille; does your university have any sort of study skills center? They can often help you out with things like writing in-class essays, and generally adjusting to the expectations of university classes. Most unis have something like that, because they understand that transitioning from high school to university can be stressful when it comes to class work and expectations.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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kamille
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Yeah, good idea. I'm unaware of any study centre but I could look around...I wish they would give first year students some sort of pack to help them around campus. It's fairly annoying not knowing what resources to go to when you feel so trapped and alone.

I'm going to check that out though. Thank you.

OH, and by the way, my boyfriend is in a band too, so sometimes I feel like I am competing for time because he has to practice with them, but there is never a definite date as to what day and time they will practice...I guess I have to talk to him about everything. It's hard to start though, everything gets jumbled up. Our schedules haven't been a problem in the past (we've been together for 2 and a half years), I'm just feeling the strain right now. Will it get better over the summer?

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hunnybunny888
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It also might help to drop a course or two. That would make your work more manageable, and might leave you some more time to take up clubs again and make new friends. And if you take a course or two over the summer (even an online course) you can make up the courses...
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Bun Bun
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I'm going to second what hunnybunny said [Smile] I actually started off doing 3 courses each semester this year. That way, I was a "full-time" student so I could get my scholarships, but I also was easing myself into my courses. Though, I guess this late in the game, it'd be a bit of a waste of money to drop a course (I'm assuming your semester ends at the beginning of may?).

As for the time with your boyfriend, I'd suggest that you find a day that suits both your schedules and plan for that to be "your day". My boyfriend and I are both at university and in completely different courses (I'm a bio major, he's a business major [Razz] ) so we've set aside a day that we both have off to spend together. Even if you don't have any days off, you could try to find a day where you're off school early and he's available too!

If this really isn't possible, I guess you'll have to wait until summer. If you're both working during the summer, I'd suggest that you tell your employer you can't work at a certain time on a certain day (eg, wednesday nights) and get your boyfriend to do the same.

Looking towards next year, get together and try and schedule your classes so that you have time off that coincides with his free time.

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kamille
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Thanks guys. With your suggestions, I can see school getting a lot better next year. I think 3 classes might be perfect.

As per the boyfriend idea - sounds good. I really just need to have a big long talk with him. I was having a major freak out when I posted this question. He's often just in his own world and I want him to notice what I'm going through.

I'm still stuck about what to do friends wise since school is coming to an end, and therefore there will be a lot more chaos and parties and invites to things I might not want to do or feel like doing. I hope I can find a balance between keeping myself happy, and my friends.

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kamille
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Have you ever had one of those crys where nothing comes out? You make the noises, you do the shakes...and then cry out in frustration when you don't produce a tear?

I'm scared of vulnerability.

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