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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » How can I be more open with him?

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Author Topic: How can I be more open with him?
lozzy57
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Member # 38279

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WEll, me and my boyfriend have been together for almost a year now, and I've got to admit we probably rushed into sex. It's not been a problem, but we probably did. He's always been an awesome communicator about sex, but not about anything else, and I can blabber on about anything, as long as it's not sex.

My problem is, for the past 6 months or so we've been engaging in (what we term to be) kinky sex. Handcuffs, anal, cockrings, vibes, we got our first set of buttplugs etc. Now Even though I maybe don't talk to him about these things, he knows enough about how I react to make sure he never forces me or hurts me, and I like to think I do the same. The problem is, that now we've moed on to trying even 'weirder' fantasies (and we're both aware that fantasies are sometimes better staying in the head etc, so we do talk about whats realistic to want and stuff beforehand) but I'm having an awful time telling him what *I* fantasize about.

Because I think it's weird. I *know* it's not all that uncommon, but it certainly isnt mainstream, and the horribly irrational part of me things he'll reject me for that. Yet the part of me that can think logically says dont be so stupid girl, of course he wont. (And hey, I know hes got some pretty weird fantasies too, right?)

So what can I do to help me be more open? How can I get up the courage to just tell him?

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Chin up darling - knock yourself out!

Posts: 26 | From: London, UK | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
welly
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Member # 41386

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It sounds like you know what you want to talk about, and you're just having trouble getting up the courage to start the conversation. If you're nervous about how or when to bring it up, maybe you could send your boyfriend an email telling him that you had an idea you wanted to talk to him about. This way, he'll know you want to talk about something (and he'll probably be interested to find out what) and he will likely bring up the topic even if you are to nervous to start the conversation yourself.

You seem to have been very open to his fantasies- he should be just as open to yours. It sounds like the two of you are being safe about everything (emotionally and physically), so I think that once the conversation starts, everything will work out fine.

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lozzy57
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Member # 38279

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See, the thing is, I've tried emailing him, and I've tried even arranging a certain time that I'll tell him in, and he's been so so patient. He asks lots about what I fantasize and would like to try, but never pressures me into saying. He understands how hard it is for me, but I feel like I'm letting him down so much by not being able to tell him. I can even get so far as starting the sentance: "I sometimes... enjoy... sorta... uhm... thinking about... this stuff... when... ya know... like fantasies... and... uhm... yasee..." But it never gets any further.

I just wish I was confident enough to explain to him [Frown]

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Chin up darling - knock yourself out!

Posts: 26 | From: London, UK | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Perhaps you just are not there yet? In other words, what if you just need some more time for yourself before you DO feel comfortable disclosing more?

If so, that's always okay. And if so, perhaps the thing you need to communicate to him is that it'd probably be helpful (especially in terms of you feeling bad about something you really shouldn't) if she stopped asking and just gave you some more time, understanding that when you DO feel ready and able, you will fill him in.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lozzy57
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Oh, but I feel 100% comfortable with him. I've told him so much more that I never thought I would ever. It seems to me like there's just this big 'block' on talking about sex. Like I can talk about it rationally and in terms of safety just fine, but as soon as it gets personal I can't admit to it. I get massive feelings of... shame I suppose it is. Like, good girls don't talk about sex, sorta stuff.

I *know* that's not true though! Argh!!

Oh well, thank you for your help [Smile]

I'm sure we'll get somewhere soon.

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Chin up darling - knock yourself out!

Posts: 26 | From: London, UK | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You know, it's okay NOT to be 100% comfortable with someone or your sexuality. In fact, sexuality and sex are so loaded, that I'd be wary of anyone who said they were 100% comfortable with someone else sexually.

I'm turning 39 next month, I've been sexually active with a lot of partners since my teens, I talk about sex for my living, and while I have had partners who have been amazing, who I have loved and trusted, some who I have been with/was with for years and I don't know if I could say there is anyone with whom I have been 100% comfortable with every single aspect of sex or my sexuality. That just strikes me as a pretty unrealistic expectation, you know? All the more if anyone expects that level of comfort when they're so young or sex with someone is very new.

We can feel safe, be loved, even feel great about our sexuality and still not be 100% comfortable.

You've mentioned you moved into this pretty fast: is this also your first sexual relationship?

[ 03-29-2009, 10:25 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lozzy57
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Uhm, no it's not. But it is his first sexual relationship. Haha I guess you're right, 100% is a lot to ask for, but I've certainly never felt this... uhm... emotionally invested in someone before. This is the first time I've been having sex with someone who I'm in a relationship with, and as a result, after all this time I feel more and more comfortable about trying out all these wacky ideas with him. It's just about being able to say the words.

I remember when we first got sex-ed at school and we had to do a question game, and all the answers were 'naughty words' which we had to shout out, to get us used to saying them. We spent ages giggling over shouting out 'penis' and 'vagina' and 'period'. It was hilarious. I guess this is just a grown up version of this... cept without the choccy bar for winning!

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Chin up darling - knock yourself out!

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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So, talking about sex is the thing that's tough for you, more than engaging in sex. That's okay, and plenty of people are like that.

Too, saying the names for genitals is a lot less loaded than sharing desires and sexual fantasies. Naming our genitals doesn't tend to have us be as vulnerable as talking about something we'd like to do, particularly if those things are things we think might be perceived as strange, or even get TOO good a reception. Most people don't want to enact all their fantasies IRL, so feeling like a partner might insist on that, or feel we needed to can also put some extra pressure on.

So, it may just take you some more time to get there, and perhaps less asking you to get there on his part, or even a bit less enthusiasm about it. No big. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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