this is kind of a long story, so thanks to whoever reads!
i started dating my best guy friend at the beginning of last summer, about 2 months before i left for college in a neighboring state.
at the end of the summer, we didn't really talk in-depth about what we wanted. we decided to "see what happens". but while i kind of assumed that we were now free to date others, he still said "i love you" on the phone and stuff. a month into college, i said i thought we should just be friends again. but then we started talking on the phone again and fell back into a relationship because we missed each other.
at the start of school i didn't really know what our relationship status was, so none of my new friends at school knew about him. so not like our relationship was a secret, but not having it public felt weird to me. eventually, after winter break, all my close friends at college knew about him...but had never met him. so that made me feel even more like he was just not a part of my new life...and was possibly even hindering my new life from fully growing.
when i went home for my month-long winter break, we isolated ourselves a lot. i barely saw most of my friends and family bc i was spending so much time with him.
i also think that the relationship was becoming a bit unhealthy for another reason: i felt like i was relying on him too much to escape my problems at school (whenever i felt lonely, i would call him, etc). i felt like i really loved him but maybe only wanted to be in a relationship and was just too scared of being alone and that's why i was staying with him. i also felt like my parents disapproved of the relationship, and that bothered me.
i went home for valentines day after one month of being apart again. it was amazing. i felt like everything was going to be okay (earlier i was seriously considering breaking up with him and i think he knew and it really scared him). and then a week later i said i needed to take a break and re-evalute things. i was scared because i felt pressured to have more relationship experience and i wanted to feel more independent. i was scared that we were becoming way too serious and loved each other too much...especially on his side. he took it really hard but we talked a couple times over the next month and it seemed okay, like we were going to be able to be friends again.
but then we made the decision to hang out for a couple hours over spring break. even though we both thought it might be too soon. we ended up realizing just how much we missed each other. we ended up saying some things and doing some things that were definitely not platonic, even though we knew it was just going to make things harder. we almost had sex for a last time even, because we had never had complete intercourse, and we both felt unresolved because of it. but he called me later that day and said that it didn't feel right when we weren't in a relationship anymore. i took it really hard, kind of as a personal rejection, and spent the rest of the weekend an emotional mess. i've never felt that empty, ever.
so it's been a week and a half since then, and we both kind of suddenly decided that we want to try getting back together in may, when i get out of school. and then at the end of the summer, discussing what to do next...even if that means breaking up again and trying to be friends.
but i don't know if i'm doing this for the right reasons. i don't want to screw with our emotions any more than they already have been screwed with, i really want to think rationally about this. but i think the distance was what ended our relationship...every time we were together in one place we were both so happy. i'm going to be home for 4 months this summer and i feel like it would be way painful to not be able to be with him. i feel like we should take advantage of any time we have together...
he's going to be working at a summer camp on weekdays so we're only going to see each other on weekends...so i'll have my own life and so will he, which is important to me. and i want him just in general to be integrated into my life more, instead of just being this overwhelming and separated part of my life. i want sex to happen, but i realize it doesn't mean everything and if it doesn't happen, it's not the end of the world. i want to start things out more casually, and just take it one step at a time.
but i have doubts still. i have a month and a half to think about it still, but aaahhhhhh. i'm just worried i'm trying to continue something that isn't meant to be. and i DO want to move on and date other ppl eventually...it's just, i feel like i love him.
to sum it up, i feel like my genuine love and desire for him and my fears of being alone and never completely losing my virginity are both informing my decision. and i'm worried that it's the second one that's taking over. and i know that's not good.
if this makes any sense at all (my mind is jumbled right now), a new perspective would be appreciated. thanks so much!
Wow, poor you, you've been on a real roller coaster since school started haven't you?
I really wish I could give you a difinitive answer, yes you should, or no you shouldn't. But at the end of the say you really need to look into yourself to see what you *really* want. Not what you want now, or in May, but what you want as a long term solution. Do you think that if you got together over summer, you would be able to break off easily at the end?
From what you've written it does seem that you're spending a lot of time 'with' him, while away from college (emotionally, on the phone, longing for him etc) but people in LDR's often do that. It depends whether *you* feel that that is too much time or not.
I hope you work out what's best for you and your friend/boyfriend. Take care. x
-------------------- Chin up darling - knock yourself out! Posts: 26 | From: London, UK | Registered: May 2008
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thanks lozzy! i understand that it's up to me to decide what i really want. it's just hard to know what that is right now, i guess... i don't think breaking up at the end of summer WOULD be easy, and that scares me and makes me doubt the whole thing. i know that focusing on long-term happiness would be the mature, responsible thing to do. but it's so hard to sacrifice short-term happiness for that.
Posts: 3 | From: Tacoma, WA | Registered: Mar 2009
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