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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Girlfriend Orgasm issues... HELP!

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Author Topic: Girlfriend Orgasm issues... HELP!
Member # 42429

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Ok. Me and my girlfriend are both 19 and are very much in love. we have sex often enough (once-twice every weekend) when i'm at home and we both enjoy it very much. Recently, while feeling very incompetent at never having given her an orgasm, even manually, she revealed to me that she has never had one, even by herself. She says that she still enjoys having sex with me and indeed it seems that she does, and she says that she is okay without the orgasm. While i believe that this is because she doesn't know what she's missing, she won't even let me try to focus on her to make it happen and it's really messing with my self esteem. HELP!!!
Posts: 2 | From: Alabama | Registered: Mar 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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The thing is, if one partner is really focused on giving the other an orgasm, it can actually make it more difficult. Orgasm is easiest when we're not stressed, and having a partner feel like they must give us an orgasm can be pretty stressful.

Can I ask why your self esteem is so tied in to her having an orgasm? If she is genuinely enjoying sex, and as you've said it seems she is, then there's really no problem. Should SHE express the want to experience orgasm, you can encourage her to explore on her own what feels best to her (masturbation is how the majority of people discover what sort of stimulation works for them) but chances are it will just happen at some point. Setting up orgasm as a must-reach goal will only make it more difficult for her and more frustrating for you.

"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

Posts: 5799 | From: Canada/Australia | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 42429

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It's just that i've never not been able to make a girl orgasm, i've never had a problem. and to make matters worse, she is the first girl that i've been with that i actually love, and our first time together, i was so extremely nervous that i had, well, difficulties, if you know what i mean. i love her with everything that i am and i just want her to have the best experience imaginable.
Posts: 2 | From: Alabama | Registered: Mar 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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What I hear, then, is you saying this is more about your needs than hers.

It's okay that you have that need, and okay that a partner reaching orgasm with you is an esteem-boost, however, I'd also put that in perspective and be sure you are considering her wants and needs -- and her pace with orgasm -- as much as your own. A partner's orgasm is still theirs, not ours, and it's not about how great we are, even when them getting to orgasm is in part about what we're doing.

Of course she doesn't know what she is missing if she hasn't experienced something yet. However, she's also expressing that she enjoys what she HAS right now, so if you can get yourself to a point where you, too, are really enjoying her pleasure, with or without orgasm, you might feel better, too. Any of us experiencing a lot of pleasure is no less a big deal than experiencing orgasm is, and it's also much of how we become orgasmic.

I'd also like to mention that what "the best experience" is when it comes to sex is often about more than orgasm. How any of us defines what our best sexual experiences are is highly individual, and may or may not center around orgasm for everyone.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 38279

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Hey, penguins4fuel, I just wanted to say that sometimes orgasms arent the be-all and end all. Girls can have just as much fun, if not even more, when they dont orgasms. Don't let it get you down [Smile]

Chin up darling - knock yourself out!

Posts: 26 | From: London, UK | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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