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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Mom's comment is making me question my relationship

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Author Topic: Mom's comment is making me question my relationship
Member # 41386

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I'm in a great (I think) relationship with my boyfriend of about 1 year, but something my mother mentioned the other day really messed with my head.

My mother is pretty open about sexuality- sometimes to an annoying extent- and is also quite nosy. These traits have combined into her constantly annoying me about whether my boyfriend and I have had sex (we haven't).

At first I was just annoyed that she kept asking. Then, yesterday, she brought it up again- I told her (as I have in the past) that we are sexually active but not having intercourse. Then, she said something that really upset me: she basically said that my boyfriend is somehow deceiving me because he doesn't want to have sex yet. She suggested that normal boys would want to have sex much sooner and that he might be gay.

Obviously, I found this quite upsetting- to me, it sounded like she was saying that my year long relationship with a guy I'm in love with might be a lie.

What makes it worse is that my boyfriend is not, you know, the most masculine person in the world- but he seems to enjoy being with me, and the sexual activity we are having. The two of us talk about pretty much everything, including discussing our boundaries and an extensive talk before we decided to become sexually active, and even discussing how we each fit into gender roles (sometimes I'm not all that feminine!).

But anyway, I've been feeling really unsettled over the past day or two. To be honest, I'd love to be having sex with my boyfriend, but I don't want to rush him into anything he'll regret- he's a little more conservative and religious than I am. Also, we're both really indecisive, and were pretty inexperienced before each other, and have been moving slow (physically) since the start of the relationship because of this.

I know in my heart that there's probably no real issue here, that my mom's comment (intentionally or not) appears to be the problem. I guess I just want some reassurance and guidance- should I bring this up with my boyfriend? It's really upsetting me, and he's who I tend to talk about my problems with in general.

Of course, since he occasionally reads this site, he might be reading this (though I doubt it) and would probably recognize me- if you are, please let me know.

Posts: 29 | From: United States | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 37835

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There are SO many reasons a given person wouldn't want to have sex at a given point in a relationship, and certainly being unsure about sexual activity because of moral/religious reasons is up there for a lot of people.

As long as the two of you can talk openly about what you're feeling, I really see no problem between the two of you here. I do think it would be good for you to bring it up with him.

BUT, I do think it's at the very least a bit rude of your mom to be judging your boyfriend like that. She seems to have a pretty narrow view of guys if she thinks that all of them want to have sex on a certain timeline. What I would suggest is calming sitting down with her and acknowledging that she's trying to help, but letting her know that what she said hurt you, and that you'd really appreciate her not judging you and him for your sexual choices (the same as she probably says she wouldn't be judging you if the two of you were having sex). You can also mention to her that you will tell her when you have sex (it seems like you would from your post, I'm sorry if that's a bad assumption), but you don't appreciate the constant questioning. Constant questioning about almost anything gets annoying after a point [Smile]

Posts: 2262 | From: in transition | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 41386

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Yeah, I'm starting to "get over" my mom's comment- I did talk to her about it, and I'd reassured her previously that I would let her know when I started having intercourse. Thanks for responding- I just really needed an outside opinion.
Posts: 29 | From: United States | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Hey Welly,

I agree with atm1, and would also like to add that it sounds to me like you two are being really respectful of one another, and also very wise. The fact that any man (or woman) does not want to have sex at any given time does not mean they must be gay or involved with someone else, and it sounds to me like your boyfriend and you are pretty open with one another anyway.

I understand feeling confused about it, as I have very similar comments from my mother about these sorts of things, but I always find it helpful to remember (and this is not to say dont be open with your mother, as I think it is really healthy that you can at least talk to one another about sex) that your Mother is not part of your relationship, and in the long run only the two of you can really decide when the time is right for any sexual activity. And to me, it sounds like you are both being very smart about it.

Posts: 657 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 41386

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Thanks nixieGurl. Scarleteen's articles have been a really good resource for me (and him!). Oh, moms.
Posts: 29 | From: United States | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 41629

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It seems like you're secure enough in your relationship that your mom's comment didn't have a lingering effect, which is great! But just in case it's still bothering you, I wanted to add that gender presentation and roles (how "masculine" your boyfriend acts) doesn't necessarily have anything to do with sexual orientation. Even if he walked on to the Queer Eye set and got hired 'cause he fits in so well, that wouldn't necessarily help your mom's argument (which isn't a sound one anyway, for all the reasons people mentioned above).
Posts: 63 | From: DC, MA, IL, IS - changes every couple years | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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