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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » parents hmmph

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Author Topic: parents hmmph
amychaos
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well i posted roughly this time last year about wanting to stay at my boyfriends house and my parents wouldn't let me, they did eventually, but it took a lot of persuading.
My boyfriend of a year and 3 months has just asked me if i'll stay at his during the easter holidays and I really want to because we haven't been doing so well lately and i see it as a chance to patch up some things that have been going on.
I've only asked my parents about 2 or 3 times since they let me last year, and they keep saying that i'm not old enough, even tho i've been with the same boy for 15 months now.
I really want them to trust me and just say yeah okay have fun bye, but whenever i bring this subject up they just start shouting and completely object to the idea, they don't even give me chance to explain.
I've tried to show them im mature enough, i have all of my coursework and other school work done, and i'm getting A's in nearly all my subjects.

I was planning on approaching them about staying during the easter holidays sometime this weekend, but i don't know how to go about it so they don't start having a go straight away.
does anyone have any advice?
thanks.

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amychaos
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is there anyway of finding out when someone's replied without having to check back all of the time?
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orca
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(When you create the topic, you can check the box at the bottom that says "Email Notification." Or, since the time has most likely expired for you to go back and edit, you can hit "Full Reply Form" and check the "Email Notification" box from there.)

As for your problem, I see in your profile that you are 15. I make note of that because even when I was 18 and 19, I had to fight with my parents for them to let me stay at my (ex)boyfriend's place, and my parents are VERY open-minded in regards to sex. (Example: their sex rule is that they'd rather their kids have sex in the house than in the backseat of a car or in some seedy motel. They just don't want to hear it.) They were fine with my (ex)boyfriend staying at the house, and in fact had let my sister's boyfriend do the same when she was 17 (she's four years older than me, so this obviously wasn't a new rule). Yet still, even though I was legally an adult, they wouldn't let me stay at my (ex)boyfriend's place, and since I was living under my parents' house, insurance, tuition, general expense, I had to go by their rules. That doesn't mean I didn't argue with them about their rules (and finally was allowed to stay at my (ex)boyfriend's place), but I also didn't disobey them and just do what I wanted.

So the basic thing is this: so long as you are living at their expense and in their house, they do get to make those rules, HOWEVER, you can, calmly, rationally, logically, talk with them about those rules and see if you can come to some other agreement. Have you asked them why they won't allow you to spend the night at his place?

One other thing. Maturity isn't about what grades you get. That may be part of it to some people, but your parents may have different ideas about what shows to them that you are a mature individual who is capable of making responsible decisions. You might even try asking them how you can show to them that you are responsible and mature and how you can earn their trust (because trust is not something owed you, but something you must earn). That might be a way to bridge this gap between you and them so you can gain some more freedoms.

--------------------
Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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atm1
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Also, if this is something with his family, it might be wise to have his parents speak to yours (or send them an email).

If there will be rules for your visit (ie, his parents/family will be there, you'll be staying in different rooms) and supervision, I think your parents are more likely to agree.

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amychaos
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yeah i know im only young, but i really don't think that has anything to do with it, i'll be leaving school in a few months and off to college.

I wasn't suggesting that grades are the only thing which suggest how mature someone is, all i was trying to say is that if i stay at his im not going to be missing out on getting any work done.

I've been working on the whole maturity thing since last time i asked them and a lot of people say im more mature now and compliment me on how grown up i am.

It sounds kind of childish when I read it back to myself.
But I really don't want to have to go as far as lying to my parents so I can be with my boyfriend.

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amychaos
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his parents live in china, he lives with his auntie.
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amychaos
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I know its their rules because i still live in their house, but they won't even let him stay here.
I don't disobey them and always let them know what im doing, who with and when.

I have asked them why im not allowed to stay.
but i always get the same responses, they just say no and then say they aren't going to continue the conversation. when i ask for a reason they say they don't have to give me a reason.

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orca
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I pointed out the age thing not to say that you are too young (although a lot of parents might view 15 as too young to spend the night at a boyfriend's or girlfriend's house) but to show that even someone older, and legally considered an adult, can still face the same problem from their parents. It's new territory for them, and it may signify to them that you are soon going to be moving out and away from home. For many parents, that's a difficult thing to deal with, especially if you are the oldest child (and thus, the first one to move out) or the youngest child (and the only one they feel they have left) or their only child.

I feel a little confused when we talk about maturity because it is a social construct that tends to be represented by very different things in different places or in different families. So how about we talk about what maturity means to you and your family and what actions represent maturity to you and your family? That seems like a more solid place to start.

When you ask them about staying over at his place, how do those conversations go? Have you considered writing a letter explaining your position to them? If you feel they are not listening to you, that may help.

--------------------
Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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amychaos
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I'm the middle child, my sister got pregnant with her first child when she was 16, but that's not a reason to not trust me. They already know i'm planning on moving out in the next year or so. [Smile]
Well i have no idea what maturity means to them, i know what it means to me, being able to be responsible and make responsible decisions, not having to rely on parents all of the time. however i feel i already do all of that.

The last time they let me stay, i literally had to do a presentation, i had flash cards and everything, and even then they had to discuss it together before they let me go. I wouldn't want to write a letter incase they just laughed at me or something.

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orca
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That would be pretty unfair to laugh at you for writing a letter. [Frown] Letters can take time to write, and a lot of thought and energy gets put into them. I would hope that they would have more consideration for you than to laugh at a letter you give them.

Again, though, I would suggest talking to them about this concept of maturity and what actions you can take to show them that you are responsible, because just saying some vague notions of what maturity and responsibility means doesn't really explain to you how you can achieve it in their eyes. I know it feels like jumping through hoops (and believe me, I KNOW about hoops-jumping; I didn't get my drivers' license until I was 19 because my parents required a lot of hoops to be jumped), but that's part of the process you have to go through. The other option is to just wait until you move out and are on your own and can do what you want.

--------------------
Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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amychaos
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Well not laugh at me, but not take it seriously if you know what i mean?
i want to talk to my mum on her own, because i feel im closer to her, then she can tell my dad and they can discuss it with me when they're ready.
but i don't know how to approach her so that she doesnt start shouting and stuff.

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