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Author Topic: I love him but......
XXHayleyBabyXX
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I'm back again. Worst couple of weeks of my life. Stuff with my boyfriend isn't that great. He's stoped lying to me, dosn't raise his voice when we argue, dosn't swear and it's been 2 weeks and I'm honestly seeing amazing changes. VERY surprised. He's like a totaly different person. Seems alot calmer then before and I think he finaly understands why what he was doing was wrong.

But anyway we were at a party on Saturday night with aload of my friends [he knows them all but they are kind of more my friends then his, like if he wasnt with me he probably wouldn't hang out with them]. So anyway I got really frustrated because it felt like he was following me around all night. Always standing right next to me. Glued to my hip all night. At the time I was frustrated because it felt like he didnt want me talking to other people, wanted to hear every conversation I have with anyone else, watching me the whole time...I don't know how to explain it.

So my bestfriend we'll call him Michael was getting really mad at my boyfriend saying he's being to controling which I dont agree with [he said this to me not to my boyfriend] and asked me if I want to make him madder and I started laughing and I was really drunk and we kissed. At the time it was hilarious. We were both really drunk. He's gay. He's like my bestfriend. Even before he came out I NEVER had any interest in him and he never had any interest in me. We barely kissed. It was pretty much like our lips touched and we both burst out laughing. At the time I wasnt even thinking cheating all I was thinking was this is hilarious just because of who it was.

The next day I could only kind of remember what happened but after Michael filled me in I felt horrible and told my boyfriend straight away. It was imature and stupid. He's following me around so I get mad and cheat on him?? It was stupid. Mean, stupid, hurtful, selfish...I don't know what else. I was just so mad. And I was so drunk lol. And I honestly just wasn't thinking.

So I brought up the whole him following me around thing and feeling like he thought it was his right to hear every conversation I have with anyone else. We've had arguments about this before where I'd be in the middle of having a private conversation with one of my friends and he'd come over and I'd say "we're just talking about something important, just give me 2 minutes" and he's do the whole puppy dog eyes, sad face thing because I wouldn't let him listen. So anyway back to Saturday night. So he told me that he just felt awkward and only two of his friends were there and one was mad at him and he couldn't find the second one and he just felt awkard because everyone was drunk and he was sober and he's sorry if it felt like he was following me but he just felt left out and didn't want to be standing around on his own. So now after hearing his side of the story I don't know if I just totaly got the wrong idea Saturday night and if I made a big deal outa nothing or if I was right and he just had a really good bull**** excuse.

Another thing. My friends dont really get along with him. They're nice to him for my sake but are getting kind of annoyed because whenever they see me he's always there. So last night I asked him if maybe I could go out with my friends on Fridays nights in future [I see him loads during the week, it's not like he'd never see me].

And I explained that I never see my friends on my own [he always does, he's not as busy as I am so had more free time to go out with his friends when I'm busy] and he freaked out because he thinks they're putting ideas in my head about him and got really upset because he's convinced that I'm starting to beleive what they say about him.

I feel bad for him [Frown] [Frown] and I know all of this has been really hard for him to. I'm just so frustrated and I can see things from his point of view I'm just trying to keep everyone happy.

We recently broke up for a week and I realised how much I've missed having time with my friends on my own without my boyfriend. When we're all out together it feels like I have to constantly be making an effort to not ignore him or not ignore them. And to try and talk to them as much as I can [since I don't see them much during the week] without ignoring my boyfriend or making him feel left out. It's just a really difficult situation. Any advice???

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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anyone?

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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atm1
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What really concerns me is that it seems like he IS trying to control how and when you see your friends.

If he doesn't have fun when he hangs out with you and your friends, then he doesn't have to go all the time. I often don't have the best time when I'm with my boyfriend's friends, so he would often go out with them without me. And, because some of my friends annoy him, I spent time with my friends without him. (this is all in the past tense, because it's less of an issue now that we're in a long distance relationship). We know each other's friends and do spend time all together, but we both really recognize that sometimes, we should just be with our individual friends. That's a sign of a healthy relationship.

You absolutely have every right to say that each friday you'll spend with your other friends--with out him. In fact, you have every right to spend as much time with them as you want. No matter what he says, you're not obligated to spend all of your waking hours with him, and he as absolutely no right to dictate who you see and when and how you see them.

He needs to understand that he doesn't control you and shouldn't. Honestly, while the really threatening things aren't there anymore, I definitely still am hearing that he's trying to control you in an unhealthy way.

Do you feel like you can spend time with your friends? Like you'll be able to set a day that's just for you and your friends, and actually stick to it?

Calming stating that you'd like Friday and/or Saturday to spend with your friends, without him, each week sounds like a really good start. I'd also think it would be good for you to think about how many friendships you're willing to sacrifice for him and why you'd be willing to do so.

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orca
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Adding on to what atm1 has already said, I wanted to address the whole kiss thing. Reading about that kiss, I personally would not consider that cheating. Of course, you and your boyfriend may have a certain agreement about what does and does not constitute cheating. Have you two discussed that before? If so, what agreement did the two of you reach? Back to the kiss, though, a lot of friends do greet one another and show platonic affection by giving each other a peck on the lips or the cheek. That's what this sounded like to me, and probably what a lot of outsiders would think of it as well.

Given the dynamics of your relationship, I agree with Heather and atm1 that one week (even one month) just isn't enough time apart for some changes to really happen. I see you feeling guilty AGAIN, I see him being controlling AGAIN, and I see him making himself the martyr and you the evildoer AGAIN. Honey, there's better than this. Things may be a little better now than they were a couple weeks ago, but they're still not that great, certainly not what a healthy relationship should be, and I can't help but wonder how long are things going to stay this way before it gets worse again? Because it's going to happen.

I don't say that to be a Negative Nancy or whatever. I say that because I know that's how it goes, I've been there. It's called the honeymoon phase. He acts nicer, washes behind his ears, shines his shoes, maybe even picks you flowers, but sometime soon, maybe in a few months, or a few weeks, or even just a few days, it'll be bye-bye Jekyll, and hello Hyde. The question you have to ask yourself is how much more of this can you take? How long can you go for until you forget who you are and become just what he wants you to be?

I went through it with my ex. Each time I had the wool ripped off my eyes and left him, he would come back, telling me how sorry he was, how he was miserable without me, how he'd changed, how he never meant to hurt me, how he'd do ANYTHING to make the relationship work. And for a little while, things would be nice again. He'd buy me some trinkets to make up for the abuse. He'd say how he was just a bad bad boy who didn't deserve someone like me, blah blah BLAH. And then what? He'd be horny one night, and I'd not be up for it, but instead of respecting that and saying "another night," he'd force himself on me, refuse to take me home until I'd done some "favors" for him, and tell me how he "deserved" it for everything he did for me. Each time I left, each time I came back, the abuse only got worse. He saw what I was made of, that I was strong enough to leave him, so the abuse had to intensify so he could keep hold over me. I stopped it, though. It took me a few tries and six months, but I got out.

You can put an end to this, but only you can do it. No one can force you to leave him. We can tell you we care about you, we can give you resources, offer you support, but in the end, you're the one who has to figure out what you want to do with it. Ask yourself this question, though: Do you think people in healthy, happy relationships question whether or not the relationship is a good one as often as you have been questioning yours?

I have a few links I'd like you to take a look at. The first is on the cycle of abuse, the cycle I see you going through right now. The next is a brochure put out by the National Domestic Violence Hotline on how abusers can change (if at all). The third is a diagram explaining how power and control work, also put out by the NDVH.
Cycle of Abuse
Is He Really Going to Change This Time?
Power and Control Wheel

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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To me it just seemed like he was upset because he thinks he'd be seeing me less. And dosn't understand why I can't see my friends while he's with me. Which I suppose is true and I do want to see my friends while he's with me I'd just like to see them on my own sometimes too. I just wanted a little bit of space.

I used to be very independant and kind of changed alot when I started going out with my boyfriend. When we broke up for a week it kind of reminded me of how I used to be and I'd like to maybe move back towards that just a little bit. My friends were all saying that they didn't realise how different it would be if he wasnt there and they deffinetly prefered it and said it felt like they finaly got there friend back.

So now that me and my boyfriend are back together its kind of frustrating to have to go back to the way things were after seeing how amazing it was to spend so much time with my friends without having him glued to my hip or worrying about including him.

My ideal solution would be I get atleast one of two days a month with just my friends. Without my boyfriend but would prefer one day a week maybe....I have brought it up...it was just hard to explain because no matter how I worded it it sounded like I was trying to get rid of him...or didnt want to see him...and I guess I can't really forbid him from going to the same place as us on any given night....I don't get to decide whether he comes out with us or not like.

But I'd be happy even if he just came out with us but gave me a bit of space to spend time with my friends. I've suggested he bring his friends out with us because I thought he'd have more people to talk to. I don't want him to spend his friday and staurday nights following me around like. Think he should be having fun too. Have said to him "its ur saturday night too! have fun! dont worry about me! go talk to _____. You dont need to follow me. Enjoy yourself!" but he always says that he came out to see me so why would he want to talk to ______.

Any advice?

[ 03-23-2009, 06:51 PM: Message edited by: XXHayleyBabyXX ]

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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That's what I was saying too orca!!! lol. But we had a conversation months back about how I don't think me kissing another girl at a party playing truth or dare or something would count as cheating [this never happened was just using it as an example when I was saying what I would and wouldn't consider cheating] and he was sayin that he would consider it cheating and "it dosnt matter if it's a boy or a girl, straight or gay, your kissing another person and that to me is cheating" which makes sense I guess. So I did know he wouldn't be ok with it.

And after thinking about it for a long time trying to decide whether or not I think it was wrong I realised that even the idea of him kissing another girl, whether shes straight or not upsets me so why should I expect him to be ok with it??? Have to say I'm with him on this one.

I love him. Things are getting better. I think we're headed in the right direction and I've promised myself I'll give it one last shot.

He knows if he lies, shouts or swear at me again it's over. He knows this is his last chance. I'm promising myself that if it happens again I'm leaving but I'm trying one last time. I love him to much to give up now when stuffs finaly improving.

[ 03-23-2009, 07:14 PM: Message edited by: XXHayleyBabyXX ]

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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hello?

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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atm1
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Hayley, just to let you know, we don't live on the boards [Smile]

Have you read those links orca posted? I really think you should, and let us know what you think about them.

You DO need time with your friends without him to have good, solid relationships with your friends, particularly because they don't enjoy time around him as much. What I'm hearing is that you WERE happy without him, and I'm wondering why you're back in this relationship that seems to not be giving you what you want.

Please think hard about what orca said--you seem to be focusing on the minor things while not responding to the bigger issues she's addressing. We both agree that this relationship is simply not healthy for you.

Also, I don't know what your signature is about, but I just want to point out that I disagree. I love a lot of people, but I don't think any of them could destroy me. Yes, they could make my life miserable, but I will always be able to stand on my own two feet. Do you feel like you give your boyfriend the power to destroy you?

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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Lol sorry, just stressed. I don't mean to be driving you crazy. Sorry.

Yes I have but I honestly don't think it sounds like my relationship....I coudn't read the second one becuase it came up too small on my screen but I don't know.....I just don't think it sounds like us....

I was happy without him because I knew I was going to get him back eventually. I wasn't upset that I wasn't with him because I knew it was only temporary. If it was a permanent break up I think I'd feel very differently.

I know you don't think it's healthey for me and I understand why. It's just hard to take advice from someone who's never met him, never talked to him, never seen the way he looks at me....do ya know what I mean?? I am listening to what your saying and I do value your opinion I just don't want to break up with him and always kind of regret it....I don't know how to explain it. Like everyone else seems to be able to see the emotional abuse that I don't think exists so Id be basically breaking up with the person I thought I was going to marry baised on other peoples opinions alone because I see everything differently.

I don't see it as him trying to control who I spend time with. I see a scared, insecure boy who's worried I'm pulling away from him...worried we're not as close as we used to be....worried I'm starting to get over him and move on.

Worried that spending time with people who he knows are going to constantly insult him, constantly try to turn me against him and make me beleive that ending the relationship is the only option will change my opinion of him. They can't do that now cuz he's always there. I don't see the attempt to control me. I just see the fear.

And everyone is saying me feeling guilty is a bad thing. I was on the phone to my boyfriend who's convinced he's loosing me, was very upset and I understand why. Of course felt guilty. No one likes seeing someone they love upset. He's going through alot of other sh** at home at the moment and I felt bad throwing aloada realtionship problems at him at such a bad time.

I don't understand why it's wrong for me to feel guilty when I conversation I'm having with my boyfriend is making him upset. I don't want him to think he's loosing me and obviously I did something to make him think that so of course I'm going to feel guilty.

Yes.....lol....is that a bad thing?

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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Stephanie_1
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Hayley: The one question that I really want to ask you, and I want you to think really honestly about is what brought you here with all of this? You said above that you're not seeing the emotional ebuce and the controlling that other's have been describing here, but if you read back through some of your questions, those are the very things you yourself are asking about and mentioning being worried about or having a problem with.

Too, about the kiss - whether or not kissing someone else outside of the relationship doesn't depend upon a person's gender, sexual orientation, etc. What really makes the difference would be what you and your boyfriend have decided would constitute cheating in your relationship. It's something that should be discussed in a relationship, and agreed upon.

As well, I must say that I agree with atm and orca that a week or even a month away from someone isn't likely to yield much of a change in that person. Change takes time, it doesn't happen over night. As well, if you left with the intention of going right back with him, it was in your mind all along, something that made you comfortable because you had it planned, it's also likely that he knew comfortably that it was your plan as well.

You're right, we don't know him. We know of him from what you have described to us as having happened between the two of you. That know too, you shouldnever feelguilty about asking a partner to change behaviors to where they're within healthy relationship dynamics - no matter what. It's part of being in a relationship.

The other question I want you to think about is why you think what you see is so different than friends, family, etc. You've said you see him differently, and your friend have told you things you disagree with on many occassions, so where do you think these things are coming from?

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Heather
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Hayley: you say it's tough to take advice from people who haven't met him.

So, what does that mean? Well, obviously one toughie about that is that you're asking for advice from those who haven't met him, so it might be wise to consider if we can really offer you what you feel you need. Perhaps in-person counseling may be a better bet for you if you feel like something with this much distance isn't meeting your needs.

But I also recall (I think, I'm a bit slow on the uptake today) talking with you about your friends' impressions of him, and you remarking they were saying exactly the kinds of things we are, with them having met him. So, if we're saying this stuff based on you explaining all of this to us, and your friends are having seen it as well, can you consider that all of us may be in agreement for sound reason?

To add to that: have you read the materials we have shown you on abuse dynamics and understand -- as some of those explain -- why it is that you might have a different perception than people not IN those dynamics in your relationship do?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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The first time I wrote I just tthought that we were imature and not handling our problems very well. I wanted advice on maybe dealing with it better or handling it more maturely. Then him physicaly hurting me came up and I corrected it saying that the only time he every physicaly hurts me is when he grabs my arm to tight. Yes I did have a problem with it and yes I still do. I just don't think it's bad enough that we should throw away what I think could be an amazing relationship.

I brought it up over and over again and he's stopped doing it. I didn't start writing here because I thought I was being emotionaly abused. I started writing here because I think we're two imature teenagers who love each other very much and wanted some advice about how to handle our problems better because I wasn't happy with the way I was handling it.

I didn't think he was the problem. I thought I was. And I still do in a way.

About the kiss. I had actually agreed that since he considers kissing anyone [boy or girl, straight or gay] cheating that I wouldn't do it. I knew he wouldn't be ok with it. I'm not saying I think I'm wrong about everything but I do think I was wrong there. It was selfish, childish and unfair. I was angry. I should have talked to him about it but was drunk and wasn't thinking straight. I know I was wrong. I'm not going to defend myself.

I don't think he thought we were going to get back together at all. We were talking during the weeks break and I was trying to not act like there was a good chance we'd get back together because I wanted to scare him and make him see how serious it was and how much that lie hurt me. Didn't want him thinking I was going to just leave him off.

They hate him. They think he's annoying. They see me more when I'm single. I love my friends but being honest I think they want the relationship to end for their sake. They want to see me more and they don't want to have to hang around with someone who annoys them for my sake.

They exagerate everything he does and twist it to make him look bad. There was this one incident where he grabbed my jumper to turn me around. Like the top of my jumper. Where the zip would be if it was zipped up and then they were all yelling at him saying he grabbed me by the neck. His hand didn't even touch my neck. It was a total exageration. And that wasn't the only time....

Do you understand where I'm coming from?? Yes they do want us to break up and yes they are using the way he treats me as their reason but I'm not falling for it lol

[ 03-24-2009, 06:21 PM: Message edited by: XXHayleyBabyXX ]

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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anyone?

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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Stephanie_1
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Hayley: I want to point out something to you, but I want you to let the thought sit before responding to it, and really think about it Ė what it means and how it can be viewed. I see you saying that youíre reaching our for help and not getting what you need, and I understand that, so I think a logical thing to do is to assess what really would be most helpful to you in meeting those needs. But understand too that at some point it will mean looking at things from a different perspective. For instance, youíre not sure weíre helping you the way youíre looking for because we donít know him. Thatís what I would consider a fair assessment, because sometimes one really does need to know someone else. But we can tell you from experience, our own and what we know from research and well know data that what is being described and has been described is not a healthy relationship, we can tell you it lies in those dynamics of an abusive relationship, and we can tell you how it aligns with our own experiences and those of others.

In the same, Heather pointed out a very valid point Ė your friends have met him, and have offered impressions of him as well. He often limits the time you have with your friends in one way or another, is always present when you are with your friends, etc. They therefore have met and do know more about him than we could just through conversation. But a real question I have for you is this, youíre describing all of your friends as being jealous for not spending time alone with you, and for this reason making more of the situation than is there. I tend not to think this is really the problem so much as with the example you have of him grabbing you by your clothing they likely didnít see exactly where he grabbed you and believed it to be your neck. However, you know your friends, have picked them based on their actions assumably your ability to trust them and turn to them when you need to, that given, do you think that maybe they really are looking out for you and your safety in their thoughts and remarks about him, and maybe itís not what you want to hear?

I know thatís a hard thing to think about, but I know from experience that when someone isnít telling what we want to hear, even when itís someone weíre very close to and care very much about, they tend to be the one doing something wrong against us for their own personal gain. Do you think itís possible they really are looking out for you, and whatís best for you, but that because you really care about your boyfriend youíre not ready to listen to them or believe that they are right? This is all outlined in the materials we gave you, about how someone in a relationship such as this tends to feel and rationalize things.

The reason I brought up the separation was because how you react may be seen differently to others. If you really didnít plan on leaving for good, there really is a good chance he knew that, or suspected that. This was heightened by the fact that when you left him for this period of time, you did talk to him. If you donít believe you can or will leave him, do you think he is going to believe it? And he knows he holds some power over you, which doesnít help this either.

Have you considered Heatherís suggestion of in-person counseling. I think it is something that may be really helpful, having someone right there that you can talk to. Of course the decision is yours, but it seems that having someone there to talk to may be helpful considering you donít seem to be finding what you need or are looking for here, and donít trust your friendís judgment even though it is in line with what is being said here and with the materials we have given you. Is that something you think may be helpful to you?

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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He had sex with my friend [Frown]

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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anyone?

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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atm1
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It's hard to know what to say when you've only given such a brief statement, so I'm going to ask some questions:

How are you feeling right now?

How did you find out?

In the past, have you ever pictured yourself staying with someone who cheats?

Right now, do you view this as a deal breaker?

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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Miserable
not exagerating
the closest ive ever been to suicide

the girl he had sex with admited it to my friend because she thought he knew about it
and he told me and my boyfriend admited 2 it eventually after like 24 hours of me accusing him of it

if they told me about it and I honestly beleived it was never going to happen again I always knew I'd consider it but it was totaly different when it actually happened and I was able to forgive him more easily than I thought I would

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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atm1
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What I'm hearing is that this has been very hard on you.

First of all, if you are feeling close to suicide, I encourage you to contact a hotline. Here's the info for one:
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
1800 273 8255.

If you are feeling this badly, I strongly urge you to see a counselor in person. That hotline out to be able to help you find a crisis center near you, where you could get free counseling.

Now, it makes sense for us to feel upset when someone breaks a big promise like one to be monogamous. It is totally reasonable for you to be angry at him and/or your friend, considering how badly they have hurt you. I would also encourage you to rethink both of those relationships (the one with your boyfriend, and the one with your friend), and assess whether or not they are worth maintaining. These people, particularly your boyfriend, have hurt you very badly and clearly did not care enough about you to not do this.


Now, I have one more thing to ask before asking you some questions, which is that you take yourself in for STD testing in about a month or two. Your boyfriend has not been monogamous, and that puts you at risk for infections, so you'll need to get checked out too (And, remember, when someone breaks a promise to be monogamous, they're not only hurting their partner emotionally, they're putting their partner's health at risk. I would think very hard about whether or not you want to be with someone who would put your health at risk like that and the lie about it).


Why was it so easy to forgive him?

Do you feel like it's okay to be upset at him? (I hear that you're very upset, but that seems to be more sadness than anger at him).


Finally, Hayley, I very, very strongly believe that if this guy is doing things that are causing you to contemplate suicide, this is REALLY not a healthy relationship for you. You deserve so much better than this boyfriend who cheats, lies, and tries to control you.

You deserve better.

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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I'm deffinetly not staying friends with her anyway. Absolutly no chance.

Was easy to forgive him because I love him

I know it's ok to be angry but I'm not
Heartbroken but not angry

I know I do
But like seriously no one understands but I love him to much.
I want to be over him soooooooo badly
But no matter what he does it dosn't make me feel any different.
I'm as much in love with him now as I ever was and I can't just walk away
I'm miserable without him
I've seriously been in bed crying for days

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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briguy999
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I had the same problem with my girlfriend. she had sex with my best friend and i walked in on them in the locker room at school

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Bri.G

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atm1
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Hayley, you said that you'd be miserable without him, but he is making you miserable right now .


You've mentioned before that you really enjoyed how much time you got to spend with your friends when you took a break from him, and how happy that made you. If you left him, I think that you could get back those things that were making you happy.


You can choose to leave. I believe that you are strong enough to do so, even now that you're hurting. I know that you know that he will continue to hurt you and make you unhappy if you stay. I believe that you CAN be happy and that you CAN leave this guy.


I'm also going to encourage you again to seek out in person counseling at this time. I think it could be very helpful for you to see a crisis counselor, just to help you get through these next few days. If you say what city you're in, we can look up a center for you. If you would rather not state that on the boards, you can use the "contact us" button to send a message to Heather, but I'm not sure when she'll be able to respond.


Why you feel that you can completely get rid of the friend, while he deserves your forgiveness? While she hurt you, it was his responsibility to keep his promise to you. It wasn't hers. She executed some bad judgment, but she did not knowingly put your health at risk and break a promise to you. This is just as much, if not much more, his fault than hers.


Hayley, I very, very strongly believe that this relationship is unhealthy for you, both physically and emotionally. I know you know that, and I don't hear you arguing with me. What I'm hearing is that you think it will hurt more to leave than it will to stay. But what if he keeps doing stuff like this? What if he keeps lying? What if he keeps on preventing you from seeing your friends? What if he keeps cheating? Won't that hurt more, and drag the pain out longer than leaving now?

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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I am going to leave him.
I'm breaking up with him tonight

I'm so scared [Frown] [Frown]

I love him so much [Frown]
I honestly thought I'd end up marrying him
Thought he was "the one"

And we had gotten so close and I'm so scared to be on my own and I'm so scared to not have him in my life but I know if we break up I couldn't be friends with him. It would be to hard. I'd want to keep going back to him and it would be torture seeing him with other girls [Frown] [Frown]

I just want it all to be over
I just want to be over him
I want to move on
I just want to forget the past 8 months
I want to forget him
I honestly wish I never met him

Nothing good came of this relationship
I got hurt over and over again
I know I'm going to have serious issues trusting people in the future and I already had alot of trouble trusting people.

All of the lying and betrayal in the past 8 months just made it worse.

I wish I never met him. I wish we never got together. I just want it all to be over. I'm so sick of crying. I'm sick of thinking bout him, sick of worrying about him, sick of loving him, sick of getting hurt. But I can't get him out of my head. And I want to cry everytime I think of him and another girl.

I'm dreading the day he starts going out with someone else and I have to see him hugging and kissing her...acting like he used to act with me. It's going to be torture.

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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atm1
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I need to go, but I just wanted to quickly say this:

I'm really proud of you right now.

One thing that I would encourage you to do is have plans for after you talk to him tonight. If you could plan to do something fun with friends or family, or just have a shoulder to cry on, I think it would really help.

You are strong enough to do this, and I know you'll be alright without him in your life.

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atm1
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Hi Hayley,
I just thought I'd check in to see how things went last night.

How are you doing?

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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I didn't end up breaking up with him but now he's saying he wants to [Frown] [Frown] [Frown]
I'm so scared
How am I ever going to get over him??? [Frown]

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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Heather
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Hayley: I'd suggest you take a look at your last post here for help with that, and really let your own words resonate with you.

Because what you posted there are all mostly VERY easy things to live without: far easier to live without than to live with.

Are you calling on anyone in your in-person support network right now? If not, I think it would be very smart to do that, and perhaps show them that post so they can see your intention to get out of this and help hold you to that.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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He ended it [Frown] [Frown] [Frown]
Any advice on getting over it???

--------------------
Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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Heather
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Hayley, can you look back to my asking about your support network? Who can you talk to and seek support from in-person right now?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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atm1
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I would also strongly encourage you to see out professional counseling. You can do that either by asking your school counselor for help, or by calling a hotline. Would you like information about some?

(and, please do answer heather's questions. They're really important ones).

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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My friends have been amazing. Have listened to me ramble on and on and on about the whole situation. They've taken my cell phone away and everything when I was tempted to text him. My Mom knows about everything that happened now and has also been amazing.

It's really hard though. And he's twisting what happened to make it look like I treated him terribly and everything he says is eventually getting back to me.

So number one it hurts to hear someone I was that close to saying the kind of stuff he's saying. It hurts me to know that he feels like I treated him badly and to be honest it's making me look back on the past 8 months and making we wonder if some of what he's saying is true and maybe I did treat him badly.

He seems to have moved on so fast. And every time I talk to him he's talking about other girls and how much fun he's having....it just hurts to know that I'm sitting at home crying over him and he's out having fun probably not even thinking about me.

I don't want to get back together. Too much has happened. I can't trust him at all. My friends hate him. My Mom hates him now after she found out what happened. It would never be the same. I'm not saying I want to get back together because I don't I just need help moving on, forgeting about him and trying to deal with him getting over me so fast, moving on so quickly, telling anyone who'll listen what happened but obviously only telling his side of the story.

I've told my friends what happened but I'm not going to go around telling everyone trying to make him look bad even if he's doing it to me. It's just frustrating when I hear what people are saying and I want to tell my side of the story so they won't think he was the only one who got hurt but at the same time I don't want to stoop to his level and make him look like a terrible boyfriend.

He wasn't perfect but nobody is and I honestly have absoultly no intrest in making it look like he treated me terribly.

It's hard. There were sparks with us straight away and I'm worried I won't find someone who I love as much as I loved him. I'm worried there will never be that kind of chemistry. The fire works, the butterflys in my stomach.

I don't want to go back to him. I can't go back to him. He hurt me too much and I honestly don't think I could handle being hurt again.

I'm scared to trust someone again. Scared to fall in love again. Scared to have my heart broken again. Scared to ever feel like I do right now again.

What if I never get that close to someone else? What if I'm never that attracted so someone else? I never have been before so how do I know that I will be in the future?

I'm worried that all guys are like him. I'm worried that I'll fall for the cheesy pick up lines and the whole "your my world" thing again and once again they'll be lying. It just feels like they're all the same. Like I'll never find someone who truly loves me and dosn't just want to sleep with me or mess with my head.

I'm starting to wonder if true love really does exist. I thought that's what we had and I guess I was wrong. What if something that good never comes along again? What if I never feel that way about someone else? I'm so scared

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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Heather
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One thing to understand -- even though I know it's awful -- is that someone who is manipulative and abusive IN a relationship is going to tend to be abusive and manipulative in a breakup and then once the relationship is over.

That's one of many reasons why cutting off ALL contact and getting 100% out of that person's life is important.

I'd also say it's mighty soon to be worrying about your next relationship. You're so not there yet, Hayley. You still need time to grieve over this one, recover from this one, perhaps even get some counseling first so that when it IS time for a new relationship, you're better prepared. All guys (or women) are not like him. You also don't have to be the same person, or in the same dynamics, next time you have been with this. To some big degree, that is a choice you get to make. You chose to stay in this with this being the way it was, and while abusive dynamics can cloud judgment, you still had a choice, you know?

You didn't have something "that good." You had something BAD. What you have from here on out are chances FOR the good stuff.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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I'm lonely already and its only been 2 days [Frown] [Frown] .
I went from one serious realtionship to the next. So I've been in a serious relationship for the past 30 and a half months [Frown] . It's not just hard getting used to not being with him. It's hard getting used to being on my own too.

Would it be a bad idea to try and stay friends so? I don't know what's worse not having him in my life at all or having to learn how to be just friends with him.

I know that it was unhealthey, I know he treated me badly. It's not that I think it was healthey or that he treated me really good or anything it's the way I felt about him. I'm worried I'll never feel that way about somone else. I'm worried I loved him so much that I'll never completly move on. That I'll never feel the same way about someone else and that I'll always just want to go running back to him.

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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Heather
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Personally, I do not think it is a good idea to stay in any contact with someone abusive. I also doubt he's capable of being your friend. It's not just about what you learn, after all.

Usually, the longer you are out of abuse, the easier it gets to see it, to see how bad it was, and to want nothing even remotely like it. But for right now, this is brand new, so I'd encourage you to just give yourself time now with all the support your friends and family have been giving you.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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XXHayleyBabyXX
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What do you mean it's not just about what I learn? I dont understand that part.

Do you mean time not talking to him? Time to move on? Time being single? I'm confused

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Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

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