Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » friend bailing on big plans

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: friend bailing on big plans
hunnybunny888
Activist
Member # 29737

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hunnybunny888     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
so, I have a friend, and we have been best friends for about 10 years. Last summer, we started to make plans to travel this summer. I had been thinking about it, and at christmas we talked, I wanted to make sure she was still in for going and we discussed some plans and said we would both look into it more. When I was back for spring break we went into a bit more detail, and I talked to a travel agent and found a flight and began looking at hostels and such. At christmas, I had had a random dream that she bailed on me to go, and I told her about it and she said no she would definitely go. Anyways, earlier today she sends me a message saying she doesn't think she's gonna go, she doesn't have money, she needs to be around school for a bit. I know these are all empty excuses. First of all, she always complains about money even when she has enough. I know she will make enough to cover the trip and more with her summer job, and if she wanted to can get money from her parents and pay them back at the end of the summer. I don't really know what the real reason she's bailing is, but I'm just super angry that she committed and is now backing out last minute after I had put in time planning it. Now I have no idea what to do, I still really want to go but can't go alone, I can't think of anyone else that would want to go, but I really really don't want to call it off. I've had a really rough winter (which shhe knows) and I really needed this to look forward to. I just feel really betrayed and pissed that she would wait until now to tell me. I wrote her a message back but she hasn't responded yet. I don't know if I'm over re-acting or if this is really a horrible move by her or how I should deal with it. I know its just a trip and nothing of great significance but its just having big plans that take a lot of effort and then bailing...I'm just really frustrated
Posts: 246 | From: canada | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hunnybunny888
Activist
Member # 29737

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hunnybunny888     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
so now I can't sleep because I'm so upset about this. I've really not been well and been super emotional and haven't been sleeping well and it's just one more thing to try and deal with. I really feel like this is going to slow down my recovery and thus be detrimental to my schoolwork. She replied and said it really was the money, and I'm about to send her a message back asking to tell me what it really is because the money thing is really unbelievable.
It seems like all week shitty stuff has been happening, and I know in the grand scheme of things it's pretty irrelevant, and this one especially seems so bratty of me and just makes me feel even worse about myself

Posts: 246 | From: canada | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
StrangePudding
Activist
Member # 40765

Icon 1 posted      Profile for StrangePudding     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Honestly? What your friend did sounds like something I might do (not saying it's the right thing to do, just that I've bailed on stuff like this before), so I'm going to try and maybe help you see what might have led her to make such a decision.

OK, granted, her timing kinda sucks. But if she knew that it was going to make you this upset, she may not have wanted to bring it up, especially since, as you say, you've had a really rough winter. She may not have wanted to bring it up while you clearly had other things not going well in your life.

The money thing...well, you say this trip is going to be over the summer, but you say that she can pay for the trip with her summer job. I don't know how long this trip was going to be, but if it's a significant length, I don't see how that would work. Also, she could be concerned about losing her job. The economy is pretty rough right now, and there are a lot of people looking for work. If you leave a job for even a few weeks who knows if you'll have that job when you come back. Too, just because she CAN borrow money from her parents doesn't mean she may want to, or should. Being in debt is rough - it's most of the reason the economy sucks right now. That might not be something she feels comfortable asking her parents for.

There could also be extenuating circumstances, like her realizing that she needs the money for other things, like tuition.

Anyway, any or all or none of these reasons could be why she doesn't want to go. I do think you need to trust her when she says that money is the issue, because it very well could be. I get that you're upset, and she probably should have told you earlier, but there's also the possibility that she only just now realized how much of a hardship the trip would be. Like I said, I'm guilty of doing this kind of thing myself, but I also absolutely hate when people cancel on me last minute, so I do sort of understand your view, as well (lol, hypocrisy on my part :|). I'm sorry you can't go on the trip, but are you absolutely sure making it on your own wouldn't be a possibility?

Posts: 222 | From: USA | Registered: Oct 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
KittenGoddess
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 1679

Icon 1 posted      Profile for KittenGoddess     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You know, based on the economic state of the world in general right now, lots of things related to money that might have seemed really out there several years ago are really problematic right now. Perhaps her parents don't have the money to give her now or maybe she needs to work and save her money for something else that is a "need" for her. If she's said it's a financial issue for her, then all you really can do is take her at her word.

I doubt your friend has done this deliberately to upset you. Things just sometimes happen in life. She may feel bad as well about having to tell you at a late date. But again, in life things sometimes come up unexpectedly.

I guess part of what I'm getting at here suggesting that you consider this from her perspective. This is likely not all about you, but also about her and what's going on in her life. There may also be something going on in her world that's hard for her too...money worries are usually something that weighs pretty heavily on us.

If your interest here is in keeping this friend, then I'd try to let go on this one. Not taking someone's word or asking over and over what the "real" reason for something is rarely turns out well in terms of the overall relationship.

Now that's not to say that you're not allowed to be upset about this. There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling sad, disappointed, or upset here, you are totally justified in that. But rather than dwelling on it, how about finding another way to deal? Could you ask your friend about making plans to do something else? So if you can't afford a big trip, how about a weekend get-away? Or may a friend's day at a spa? You don't have to go all out or someplace far away go all-out to have a relaxing get-away!

And planning is rarely a completely wasted exercise. You can always tuck those plans away and then pull them back up at a later date (with updates, of course)!

--------------------
Sarah Liz

Posts: 7316 | From: USA | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hunnybunny888
Activist
Member # 29737

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hunnybunny888     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
well, the thing is, her parents jobs weren't that effected by the economy, all of her tuition, books, food, and living arrangements are paid for by her parents. Her summer job doesn't start until after we would get back from the trip and she is self-employed.

I know she isn't doing it directly to hurt me, but she often does stuff without thinking of their consequences on others.

Posts: 246 | From: canada | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
KittenGoddess
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 1679

Icon 1 posted      Profile for KittenGoddess     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Unless you have personal access to her family's financial records and budget, it isn't terribly fair to assert that they are not impacted by current economic conditions. Even places where there is no direct impact, there may be indirect ones. Or, maybe something has come up which has made money tighter. Or, perhaps they are even just tightening up because of what MIGHT happen in the future.

Whatever the reason, the bottom line is that it is your friend's right to decide how to spend or not spend her money. So if she's decided that this isn't doable right now, you need to respect that. While thinking about the consequences of our actions on others is important, we do also have to think about the consequences to ourselves.

--------------------
Sarah Liz

Posts: 7316 | From: USA | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hunnybunny888
Activist
Member # 29737

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hunnybunny888     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well after I talked to her about it a bit more, she said that it was partly just that she had had a busy year, and it was going to be tiring to go on the trip, and partly because it will be hard to convince her parents to lend her money. It was kind of frustrating, but I let it go.
But now, she is going away for summer school...it probably won't be as expensive, but still fairly expensive. So that is just kind of hurtful. Second, as I mentioned we work together, I had her booked for certain dates, but she now says she can't start until 2 weeks later for summer school...it's pretty hard to change two weeks worth of hours once theyre booked.

I'm just so frustrated...as someone mentioned you do need to put your own needs first, and I can respect that, but there is also a point where you need to honor promises and commitments you have made...but she seems to only do that when it suits herself.

Posts: 246 | From: canada | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bluejumprope
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 40774

Icon 1 posted      Profile for bluejumprope     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm someone who cancels on things a lot. So, I know I can't empathize as fully as someone who is more familiar with your side of the dynamic, but I had a few thoughts.

Personally, when it comes to something that's supposed to be pleasurable for two people--like traveling together--I really don't think "promises and commitments" to do it are the most important thing. Would you want to go on a trip when she didn't really want to be there, or was having to sacrifice in a way that she really wasn't comfortable with?

Summer school and travel aren't equivalent expenditures. It makes sense to me why parents would be willing to allocate resources for education, but not a trip. Your friend isn't independently wealthy, so the financial stuff really isn't in her control. Stuff with money is often really awkward, so it wouldn't surprise me if she was understating how impossible paying for this trip would be.

That said, it's totally reasonable that you'd be upset. But given the severity of your disappointment, I wonder if it might not be useful to explore why this is so hurtful.

Some questions to ask yourself occurred to me, if you want to think about them:

What were you hoping to get out of this trip?

What are you losing by not being able to have this trip with your friend?

Is this a familiar feeling?

(Not to get too analytical, but I often find parallels)--does this feeling remind you of how you felt growing up at all? With parents or an other older person?

In other words, do you know of a reason why this would be particularly triggering?

--------------------
without tenderness, we are in hell. -Adrienne Rich

Posts: 407 | From: USA | Registered: Oct 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hunnybunny888
Activist
Member # 29737

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hunnybunny888     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It's not particularly triggering...it's just that she seems to do stuff like this all the time, and these two events were really close together (first with travelling, then with work). Also, if money was really the issue, she could do summer school in town, at her own university and save the expenses, as opposed to going out of town and having to pay much more. the 'promises and commitment' is more to work than to travel.
Posts: 246 | From: canada | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JamsessionVT
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 17924

Icon 1 posted      Profile for JamsessionVT     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
And I think that's where some understanding needs to come in.

Honestly? I don't think it's fair of you, or anyone for that matter, to make judgments on what she could or couldn't do if money was the issue. As KittenGoddess mentioned, it isn't right to say how someone should or should not spend their money; maybe this school is a better fit for her. Maybe it's a better summer school altogether, or a better program. Who knows. But she has the right to make that decision, and as a friend, you need to respect it.

I think everyone here understands why you are upset. No one likes to be bailed on, especially when a lot of planning has gone into the event. I feel like there's a lot more frustration here than just this most recent cancellation; you said yourself that she "does stuff like this all the time" and I think some of that anger is playing into what's going on right now. Whatever the reason for this move on her part, she HAS reasons for it, and whether you like/believe it or not, you need to accept them and try and move on.

Personally? An education to me is more important than anything else right now. In this economy, no one can afford to not do everything they can to prep themselves for the real working world. It sounds like she's more or less making that decision.

--------------------
Abbie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Love Us? Keep Us Around by Donating!

Posts: 3987 | From: Greater Burlington Area, Vermont | Registered: Apr 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hunnybunny888
Activist
Member # 29737

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hunnybunny888     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
But she's also choosing to go to summer school (which is to be closer to her bf) and starting work several weeks later than she had originally agreed on, and didn't even tell me (I had to find out on my own), and now I have to re-arrange her work schedule after making it in the first place on dates we had already agreed upon. Also, for work it seems she just puts effort into doing stuff when she wants to, and I'm consistantly putting effort into it, and it just feels like thats how our relationship goes. She just does what she wants, and if it happens to suit me, or something she had committed to before, than that's fine, but if it isn't than she just tries to ignore the problem
Posts: 246 | From: canada | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JamsessionVT
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 17924

Icon 1 posted      Profile for JamsessionVT     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Than instead of complaining about what she does and doesn't do, maybe it's worth considering whether you want her as a friend. Because it seems to me that you have more negative things to say about her than positive, and that this pattern of behavior has been going on for a while.

If this is the case, it's important to realize that you don't HAVE to be friends with her. You seem to be irritated by a lot of her behavior, but then you tell us that "this happens all the time" and that you don't like or agree with the reasoning behind the choices she makes. People change; who she was 10 years ago is probably not who she is now, and if this is the kind of person she is, you either need to accept that and see her for who she is or make the decision to not be friends with her. Too, unless it's a function of your job, YOU don't have to rearrange anything for her. If she's bailing on work, for whatever reason, let her figure out her schedule. You seem to be planning a lot of things and then get mad when she backs out; don't put yourself in that position.

I also wouldn't be surprised if she's feeling a little alienated by your reaction to her telling you all of this. I know if one of my friends reacted this strongly, even if I had the best excuse in the world, I'd be hesitant to discuss it with them.

I guess my point is that yes, what she did was probably not the best way to go about things. We can't help the way people behave, but we can choose whether to associate with those people or not. If this is really causing you that much angst, perhaps it's time to look at whether the friendship is worth it.

[ 04-02-2009, 02:35 PM: Message edited by: JamsessionVT ]

--------------------
Abbie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Love Us? Keep Us Around by Donating!

Posts: 3987 | From: Greater Burlington Area, Vermont | Registered: Apr 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hunnybunny888
Activist
Member # 29737

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hunnybunny888     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I guess I do have to decide. This is really the only negative behaviour she has, other than things like this we get along great. It's just weird because when it comes to small commitments, like hanging out on a certain day, or going to see a movie, she is reliable, but when it comes to big commitments, I never really know.

As for work, we run a business together. I've been manning the email and booking most of the clients. With all of our staff, they've told us when they can start and when they need time off. So she has had bookings for a few weeks now, and then all of a sudden she changes her start date, and doesn't even tell me! I only noticed when I went to mark down something, and she had written her start date, which was 2 weeks after the agreed date and after many hours of appointments! I told her I could take one of hers, but she would have to call the others and tell them she didn't start until later. Then she said she would call one person (which she hasn't yet)and just to give the rest to another staff (even though these clients specifically requested her and I already told them it was a go). The other work issue is staff training, she is not going to be around for it which means I have to do it myself. Not only is it a burden for me to have to do it myself, it just looks really bad on us if only one of us is here, and the other shows up half way through the summer. So when it comes to stuff like this, it negatively effects me more than it does her, and even for the scheduling it effects me just as much as it does for her.

I don't know, she may not want to tell me because of how I reacted, but I've been reacting worse on here than I have to her face. After she bailed on travel plans I sent her one message saying I would help her find the money, and then after she said she can't, i just said I was upset I couldn't go anymore, and then she said she felt really bad and was really sorry, and then I forgave her. So given that she knew it was a pretty big deal, I don't think I really over-reacted, I think she was expecting it- I would be if I had done to another friend. And also, regardless of if she didn't want to tell me as a friend, just on a professional level she needed to tell me. Even if I decide I don't want to continue the friendship, we still work closely together all summer so it's hard...

Posts: 246 | From: canada | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3