I've noticed a number of our users mentioning this, and it's something I tend to do as well. I bet a lot of us have had those crushes that you know can't actually go anywhere because they're already in a relationship or are waaay too old for you or are famous. I refer to these as "safe" crushes because I think sometimes we do form feelings for those completely unavailable people because it feels "safe" to us to know that nothing can ever happen and it saves us from that heartbreak of liking someone who is available but just doesn't like us back.
So what safe crushes do you all have and why do you feel you have them? What do you feel is safe about those crushes? What (or who) do you feel you are avoiding by investing your emotions into those safe crushes versus more attainable people?
-------------------- Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007
| IP: Logged |
Most of mine were on fictional characters. Don't know why, they just happened, but you're right, there's no potential pain if you already know it's impossible. Sadly didn't work the same way when I developed feelings for an internet friend who should logically have fallen into the same category, because three couples who met on the same message board we met hooked up and one couple got married ... That one did hurt. He recently told me he already has a girlfriend, but actually I feel better knowing that now. It hurt worse for about a day, but now I feel fine and I think the crush is mostly gone. Not sure why, maybe it was just getting the official shoot-down gave it time to heal up, as it were. (I decided against telling him I had a crush on him, but I did send him a message on Valentine's Day telling him how important his friendship is to me, because, well, it is. I'm actually glad I'm not potentially screwing it up now.)
Posts: 475 | From: UK | Registered: Jan 2007
| IP: Logged |
I generally tend, most of the time, to develop those ''safe'' crushes on people with whom I do feel some sort of connection with (but might not feel that connection back) and with whom, particularly, I do feel appreciated, loved and comfortable, with people who seem to care about me, but who are unavailable for diverse reasons because they are already in a relationship, are older, doesn't feel the same way about me, etc.
I am not sure why I have those crushes. Maybe those kind of safe crushes are linked to me wanting an healthy relationship in which I am really loved and appreciated and also comfortable in but at the same time, not wanting to get hurt by being rejected or finding out that someone does not really love me or appreciate me, compared to what I thought.
I think this is a cool topic to bring up, orca, because it's something that most everyone experiences but few people talk about. I like how it was presented neutrally versus as something bad or something to fix. After all, not everyone wants to be in a relationship; such crushes give us an outlet without taking up the time or energy that a crush that comes to fruition does.
I think mizchastain brings up a good point on how even "safe" crushes can leave us feeling crushed. I also think cool makes a positive point when she says, "Maybe those kind of safe crushes are linked to me wanting an healthy relationship in which I am really loved and appreciated and also comfortable." I remember once reading a seventeen article on how crushes are better than relationships; I think the claim that a good relationship is better than a one-sided crush is bunk, but I do agree that a simple crush is certainly better than a bad relationship.
Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003
| IP: Logged |
I don't really have crushes very often. I'm hardly ever even really attracted to someone. When I am, I generally try to do something about it, and if it's not going to work out, I'm able to get over it pretty quickly.
However, I had a huge crush on my philosophy teacher. He was just sort of average-looking, but he was so smart and funny and kind to me when I really needed someone to talk to that I actually fell for him pretty hard. I wouldn't really call it a "safe" crush because honestly, even though I knew there was absolutely no chance of us ever being together...well, I still thought that sucked. A lot. He was married and I was underaged, in addition to being his student, so of course I never expected anything to happen. I just used to really, really wish that we knew each other in some alternate reality where we fell madly in love, and the fact that we didn't still kind of hurt.
-------------------- "America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between." -Oscar Wilde Posts: 115 | From: San Francisco, CA | Registered: Nov 2007
| IP: Logged |
Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998
Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.