You know whatís embarrassing? Whatís absolutely, positively, mortifyingly heart-breaking?
When the person you love more than anything insists on performing cunnilingus even though you warned him you werenít recently shaved, he licks you for a few seconds, says, ďThat wasnít too bad,Ē and doesnít even mention it for the rest of the night.
However, YOU are expected to perform fellatio for close to an hour (even though he never shaves for you because you say you want to love his true body; even though he hasnít taken a shower in two days and tastes and smells very strongly of man), jerk him off, and then give him a quick peck goodnight after having lovingly cleaned his ejaculate off his chest. No wind-down.. No bonding or friendly laughter after the deed is done.
Thatís the rejection of my true body in favor of the plastic, shaved, waxed, and plucked version we see in pornos.
Thatís the acceptance of the traditional, passive female role. Itís the acceptance of the notion that the man can be hairy, stinky, and HUMAN, but the lady has to be a clear-skinned, immaculate f**k doll.
I love my boyfriend to the moon. But frankly, Iím getting tired of this crap.
It's gotten to the point where I just sorta go along with anything sexual and work hard to get worked up about half the stuff we do (including intercourse; I don't think I enjoyed 2 seconds of our first time). I see blowjobs now as a chore and a duty -- like flossing or brushing my teeth. I see now he expects me to look and feela certain way (shaved) and that he doesn't seem to accept the real me.
What can I do to change this exasperating (and depressing, and disappointing) situation?
He could be oblivious to the fact that fellatio for an hour is a ridiculous expectation for anyone, that he needs to shower, that you need a wind-down, that you need him to put effort into pleasing you before you can want to please him, etc. If you've never spoken up, or pretended to enjoy those things or indeed acted like it's a mandatory 'girlfriend' thing to do, it's possible he just doesn't know how you feel. If you haven't already, you need to tell him (in a mature way) what you've been complaining about here. A sex act should never be a chore.
Is there a reason you feel you're obliged to do these things? Becuase you certainly aren't; it's absolutely your prerogative to refuse any kind of sex for whatever reason.
(and to be quite honest, I can think of LOTS more things that are more heart-breaking than mediocre cunniligus.)
I think SnailShells had some good things to say.
I'd add that you don't seem to be describing feelings of boredom so much as feelings of the sex you are having not really being about you as a whole, real person. Nor about it being very mutual or equitable.
And as SnailShells suggested, I'd do the same: I'd start having some very honest talks where you voice to your partner pretty much exactly what you have voiced here. Talk about how you are feeling, talk about what you do and don't want. talk about how you have been feeling about the sex you have been having.
I'd just make sure you're fair about responsibility. In other words, if you have chosen to do things you haven't wanted to or haven't liked of your own accord, that is on you. If you have been grooming yourself in a way you're not happy with, that's yours, too. You can by all means talking about feeling pressures about those things, or feeling like you don't have a choice in those things if that is how you have felt, but do avoid blaming or making someone else responsible for things that aren't that other person's responsibility. Obviously, though, if your partner isn't seeking to engage you sexually save his own pleasure, that's something that's about him, if he is holding you to double-standards about grooming or presentation, that's his, if he is asking for things which are pretty outrageous (and I'd say that indeed, a solid hour of fellatio is pretty extreme), that's his.
I'd also strongly suggest you stop, period, doing ANYTHING you do not want to do or do not feel excited by. Both in terms of sex and in terms of your choices about your own body and how you present it: if you don't want to shave anymore, don't shave anymore (or, if you feel like shaving means someone never deals with your body as-is and that's something you want, then you also have to let your body BE as-is yourself).
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me ē Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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