I have posted alot of questions about my problems before but i need other peoples advice on one problem. As i said in my earlier posts, my current boyfriend and i were on and off for a good 2 years, he is ( or was) the nicest guy i have ever met and i instantly fell in love. he was my first boyfriend, and my first everything, and as i am to him. But what made everything go downhill was something that happened months before i met him. I was 16, never had a real boyfriend, never went to parties or even got out alot, and made a very desperate and horrible decesion by letting a guy who said he liked me almost have sex with me at a party. This was my first party exerience, and i did not like it whatsoever. i was just flattered that one guy in high school actually liked me, even though i barely knew this guy, i never hesitated to think and stand up for myself because i never wanted this to happen.
Anyways, at this party, this guy took me to his room and told me how he has liked me for such a long time (who knows if that was true) and how he thought we should have sex because it would be right. I didnt even stop to think, i said yes right away and i still til this day am disgusted on how i did that. Before this all took place, a year before, one boy did supposibley have a crush on me, and he even told people he was my boyfriend for abut 3 days, but then he asked me to have sex with him. i was 15, and i was shocked that he would even ask that after 3 days of "dating" , so i said no. the next minute i know, he was "dumping" me. he said he didn want to see me at school anymore. I didnt run home and cry, but it did kind of shock me because his reason for not liking m anymore was because of that. i didnt think about it much, but a year later it was like i wanted to take full advantage of someone liking me just in order to have a real boyfriend which i nver had. a boy has never stepped foot into my house. anyways, at this party, after agreeing to almost do something horrible with this guy (i always had certain morals and it was like they disappeared) i sat on the bed, and had time to think, even though it was a few minutes, i should have thought and used my brain, and instead i continued to convince myself that by having sex with this guy i would have a real boyfriend, a long relationship, omething i never had before. it waslike i was in a rush to have a boyfriend and not even slow down and was running out of time. well after those few minutes of stupidly thinking of that, he turned off the lights which made it pitch black, and asked me if he could take off my clothes. thats when i started getting extremely nervous and said no. it gets harder and harder to remember details about everything that happened, i just remember taking off my pants, and laying there shaking beyond nervous not even moving. i remember him coming over, and literally for a few seconds maybe 5 seconds total, he put his hands on the wall behind me as i was laying there, and moved around on me, like moving under neath me between my legs, i am 100% CERTAIN we did not have sex, nothing went inside of me let alone got even close. But i do know that after those 5 seconds of him moving and me getting scared, i pushed him off and told him we should go back to the party. he asked for me to do more with him, but i said no and went downstairs where a lot of people were standin around, some staring at me. this is what confuses me the most, i know i was scared, i knew what happened was so fast and cnfusing that it couldnt have been real sex, but i had no idea. i never have been in any position like that with a guy, i never became sexually active until my first boyfriend who is the current one. anyways, after everyone found out at school, people started asking me if it was true and i WENT ALONG WITH IT!! i know this was just about 2 in a half years ago, almost 3, but i cannot believe i would go around saying i did as if i was proud. and to top it off, this guy who "liked" me dumped me after a few days and i didnt even seem to care, i was hurt but it was more like i hurt myself than he hurt me.
Months after, i met my first real love. when he even asked me if i lost my virginity, i said i did and it was a horrible horrible mistake. i could tell he was kind of upset and distraught about it, because when we tried to have sex months after us dating, he started acting funny. then came the day where he unleashed his anger, and told me how unberable it was to think about how he lot his virginity to me and wanted to share that with a girl who lost it to him, and that girl wasnt me. i cried and cried for months about this, but then came the day where we tried to have sex agiain, and it worked, i knew it worked and i even bled. he didnt think anything of it, but i knew in my heart i lost it to him and he would never ever realize it. Things began to go downhill drastically, he started calling me names almost everyday, how i was a whore and a slut for droping my pants at a party, and how i was so easy and dirty. He made it his excuse for EVERYTHING, for why he ditched me, for why he dumped me every other day, for why he even cheated on me once, and for why he is going to try until the day he dies to get "even" with me and have sex with another girl so we both can say we have done it with 2 people. I have been explaining myself to him for over a year, over and over we fight about the same thing, how he doesnt believe how i just wanted a real boyfriend, he thinks i just wanted to become a slut and a whore. everytime i try to explain myself, he yells and threatens me and tells me how everything i say is bullshit. none of what happened in the past made sense, but i KNOW it was my mistake and i know that i did not have sex with him! but nothing i say will change my boyfriends mind, absolutley nothing, he fights about it from the minute i wake up til the minute i go to bed, calls me horrible horrible names and i spend the entire night crying. i dont know what to do anymore, i have no way in making him believe me, he doesnt believe me when i tell him how the whole thing lasted for only a few seconds, and how i know for a fact it never went in side of me not even close, but he always disagrees and tells me how i keep lying. I am going to be trapped in this forever it seems, i just have two big questions. What happened in my past, was the only mistake i have ever made, i did nothing like that and still havent til this day. i didnt think and i was known for talking before thinking, but am i really a slut and a whore because of this? sometimes when i hear my bf call me thse names so much, i tell myself i am because i let myself almost have sex with this random guy, but i know im not deep inside i dont even have interests in going out to parties every night i just love spending time with my boyfriend and he always just wants to fight. also, is there any hope in having him believe me? we have always had trust problems, but its always because of the same issue, about how i almost gave myself to someone at a party, and i keep standing up for myself and telling him he is wrong and it was a mistake, but nothing works. is there any hope? =( thank you
Posts: 23 | From: us | Registered: Dec 2008
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You know, one of the most important part of a relationship is that it should be a healthy relationship for both partners. Both partners need to respect one another, trust one another, treat each other well. Hereís what I want you to do, take a moment and close your eyes. Think about what you think respect and love looks like. Are you seeing that in this situation? Heís thinking on ways to enact revenge and ďcatch upĒ to have two people, and not only is that very immature itís definitely not the way you treat a partner/girlfriend that you care deeply about and respect.
In another thread Heather linked an article for you - Blinders Off: Getting A Good Look at Abuse and Assault - have you taken a little bit of time to read through it and really evaluate your relationship. The way that he acts towards you isnít fair, and in all actuality itís not for him to judge you about anything. Thatís not what you would expect to see in a healthy relationship. By judging you for something that was A) not even when he was with you, B) Really none of his business, and C) in general just something that isnít for anyone to judge heís not being respectful to you or showing that he cares.
Thereís really a history of problems with your boyfriend, and this is something that based on your other posts has been ongoing and non-changing. With that, itís fair to say that your boyfriend has betrayed your trust in his actions and especially in the way that he speaks to you. When you say things like how thereís fighting from morning to night and you spend much of the night crying Ė can you honestly say to yourself that this relationship is a healthy one?
As Heather said in another thread about this boyfriend ďWhen it comes to virginity, since it is not a medical/physical issue, the ONLY thing any of us can do is take someone at their word, and understand that however they define virginity is their right way. I hear you saying you did not have sex with that other guy, nor do you feel you did, and that you lost your virginity with this boyfriend. In hearing you say that, I take your word for it, because it's the only one I CAN take.Ē
He hasnít changed his opinions despite whatever you have said to him, and itís unlikely that he will. He canít seem to find that respect and trust for you that you deserve, and thatís also saying that this relationship isnít now and wonít likely ever become healthy. Itís clear that youíre in a lot of pain from all of this Ė so can you talk about why when he treats you as he does you still want to be with him. How far do you think this relationship can go when one partner isnít trusting, and respecting the other? Don't you think that you deserve better?
Hi Sarbear. I'm so sorry to hear that this guy is still behaving in such an abusive way. I'd like you to take a good look at your last few threads about this guy, especially the last one where you acknowledged that he is verbally and physically abusive and manipulative. Did you have a chance to look at the article that Heather linked for you?
This guy's behavior is very clearly NOT your fault, and you are NOT a slut or a whore. Even if you had engaged in sexual activity with anyone else before going out with this guy, you would not be either of those things. His behavior is entirely his own doing, and you're not responsible for it in any way.
You ask if there is any hope. Even if he were to believe you, he would need to make an active effort to change his behavior and seek help. Unfortunately, abusers will not often make that effort. It would be better and healthier for you if you broke this off completely with him. You deserve so much better.
Maybe this is not the answer you were looking for, and this may seem like a very harsh reality to have to face, but I cannot in good conscience encourage this relationship. You are worthy of someone who treats you with kindness, respect and love and this guy just isn't doing that. You deserve so much better than this and I am worried for your safety.
Have you been able to talk to a trusted adult about his behavior since your last post?
-------------------- Vero Scarleteen Volunteer Help sustain sex ed and Scarleteen: donate! Posts: 1345 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2005
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I'd just like to add one more thought: It does NOT matter what happened at that party. Whether you were coerced into sex you didn't want to have, whether you had a slightly awkward but benign experience, whether you had fun, consensual sex that you wanted - NONE of that gives your partner any sort of a right to judge you based on it.
I hear you trying to convince him that nothing happened so he'll stop feeling jealous, but the thing is, he has NO business being jealous of your dating history. The choices you've made are just that, the choices you've made, and they have nothing to do with him.
The older you get, the less likely it will be that you meed a potential partner who has never been with anyone else. And that's just how it is, and it's not an issue. We do not have a finite amount of love to give, and we do not give away something irredeemable the first time we have sex. Every relationship we enter is new, and different, and the sexual experiences we may or may not have within them are new and different, and there's just no point in feeling threatened by or jealous of a partner's previous experiences: they are in the past, they are done, and they are part of what makes that person who they are.
So, even if you'd had sex at that party, it would NOT justify the verbal and physical abuse your partner has been putting you through.
In short, I am with Vero when she says that you'd be much better off without this guy. No one needs a partner who doesn't respect them.
[ 01-23-2009, 07:00 AM: Message edited by: September ]
-------------------- Johanna Scarleteen Volunteer
"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005
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thank you so much for these responses they really help, but there are so many days where i feel so much happier when iAM with him because we used to be so happy together, it is probably because in 2 years i have yet to experience what its like being on my own and without him, and we always run back to eachother whether its him calling me or me calling him (even though ive been trying really hard to cut off communications) i tell him how this has become his problem, but everything i used to tell myself, like that i deserved better and im not any of the names he has called me, it backfires on me. and instead, HE is the one telling me how he deserves so much better and wants a girlfriend who has respect for herself and her body and isnt such an "easy slut". i feel like everything is always my fault, and he blames it on me everytime he calls me and asks me random questions like "did he kiss you at this party? did he touch you before anything happened? who took off your clothes? how long was it?" he attacks me with these questions when some of them i cant even answr because i chose to move on with my life and forget about the past and i dont even remember it anymore, i just know i never had sex with this guy, but that wont change a thing. he accuses me of constantly lying, but i feel like im stutterin and getting shaken up because of how he scares me and threatens me on the phone when he asks me all of these questions. it just feels like there is no way of escaping this, and just when i do think we stoped fighting and stopped talking and giving it a rest and moving on, it starts all over again without me sayin one word. i know this has become his problem, but i want him to realize it and he wont do anything, not even get help, hes alwas angry and i dont deserve this but he tells me i deserve alot worse.
Posts: 23 | From: us | Registered: Dec 2008
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Can you recognize, sarbear, that this is NOT going to change, and that there IS a way of escaping this? You say you want him to realize all of this, and I understand that want, but your want doesn't mean that's going to happen. Clearly, that's a want you are not going to have met. Period.
And that's up to you: it involves you leaving this, refusing to be treated like this, refusing to fall for the way you're being manipulated, and being brave enough, caring about yourself and your life enough, to make a better choice?
You're here because you're unhappy, and you're unhappy because you are choosing to stay with this guy. If you don't want to feel like this, you need to make a different choice. You say you need help, but what I'm seeing is that what you need to find a way to do now is to help yourself. We can certainly support you in doing that, but that also means you have to be willing to do what you really need to do to create change for yourself.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me ē Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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