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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » talking to mom about sexuality

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Author Topic: talking to mom about sexuality
Nailo
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My mother and I have a really good relationship, to a great extent. I say to a great extent because lately there have been some things that have made me lose my trust in her. Like the fact that she treats my bisexuality like a blasphemy. And she doesn't want to talk about sex at all. She says I'm too young, even if I'm 16 and she "lost her virginity" at 17. Or at least what she considers that to be. She had had other sexual experiences before that, when she was around 15. She even got a little upset at me when I told her I'm visiting a sex ed site. I'm half sick of having to hide scarleteen every time she comes into the room. I'm sick of feeling like this is something dirty that has to be hidden in the first place. I don't like the feeling of not being able to look at safe sex stuff in front of her. I wish I could be open with her, but she's so closed up about the whole thing. Plus, it'll probably depress her and worry her a lot more than she already is about a whole lot of things. Every time I try to say something about it, or say a woman is attractive to me, she just goes "uh huh..." and looks the other way. Can you give me suggestions as to how to introduce this topic with her? We go to a psychologist, but have never been in a therapy room the two of us.
Posts: 410 | From: Dallas, TX | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
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quote:
Originally posted by Nailo:
My mother and I have a really good relationship, to a great extent. I say to a great extent because lately there have been some things that have made me lose my trust in her. Like the fact that she treats my bisexuality like a blasphemy.

I can relate to this. My mother certainly has doubts about bisexuality; I've brought this up with her when I was 15, 18 and most recently at 22. It's something that we basically just don't discuss. (My dad is better about listening and understanding on this topic.) My mother is almost 62 (before baby boomers  - ) and I think while she tries to be more understanding and open about such things, it's hard for her. And I do give her credit for trying.

But I think even very recently (and still) there is so much misinformation about bisexuality out there. I remember listening to Loveline when I was 12/13 (wow, 10 years ago!) and hearing Adam Corolla tell a woman who ID'ed as bisexual and in a 5 year relationship with a woman, "You can't call yourself bisexual when you're in a relationship because it's like saying you're single and looking." Total crap, yes, but it left a (false) impression in my mind. And like even in high school in a rather liberal area, my friends and I were still thinking that people were generally gay or straight.

quote:
And she doesn't want to talk about sex at all. She says I'm too young, even if I'm 16 and she "lost her virginity" at 17. Or at least what she considers that to be. She had had other sexual experiences before that, when she was around 15.
She probably just sees it as an adult looking back critically, thinking, "ohmigosh, I was sooo young!" without remembering how she felt ready as a 15/17 year old. Maybe something bad happened, or she has a lot of regrets. However, I'd say that many parents, as cool and openminded as they might be about most stuff including sex, sort of freak out when they realize that their children have, gosh, sexual feelings, too!  -

quote:
She even got a little upset at me when I told her I'm visiting a sex ed site. I'm half sick of having to hide scarleteen every time she comes into the room.
Ha, I can relate! While my friends and siblings know about my connection to the site, I have not told my mother, mainly because she would say, "Oh, you should keep such information private!" and then proceed to research my entire posting history and comment on it. In fact, a few months ago my mother said, "Oh, Ecofem, do you know about Scarleteen.com? It's such a wonderful site, such as their Sex Readiness Checklist!" (If she visited the Boards, she could easily figure out who I was...) Have you shown your mom the site? What about resetting the settings and letting her check things out on her own, or going through the articles with her? She might feel better then about all this.

quote:
I'm sick of feeling like this is something dirty that has to be hidden in the first place. I don't like the feeling of not being able to look at safe sex stuff in front of her. I wish I could be open with her, but she's so closed up about the whole thing.
It's hard, and I hope things will get better in time, but for now try to enjoy talking about stuff you both can talk about. And maybe seek out other adults or friends whom you can discuss safe sex stuff with.

quote:
Plus, it'll probably depress her and worry her a lot more than she already is about a whole lot of things. Every time I try to say something about it, or say a woman is attractive to me, she just goes "uh huh..." and looks the other way
Yep, my mom's a worrier, too. I've started to notice patterns, like that she always has a new sickness that she freaks out her children will get (latest is Avian Flu.) How is your mom about guys, I mean, do you point them out to her, too? Personally, my mom and I have such different tastes, I'm glad she isn't pointing out potential girls to me, too!  - Chances are, if you have a relationship with a girl, she's be cooler about things.

quote:
Can you give me suggestions as to how to introduce this topic with her? We go to a psychologist, but have never been in a therapy room the two of us.

Well, as I mentioned before, a start could be actually going through the site with her. Or showing her your post. Or asking her what really concerns her most about sex/bisexuality/etc.

[ 03-27-2006, 02:48 AM: Message edited by: Ecofem ]

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fordgurl09sg
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i want to tell my mother that i am bi but i am sceard wht she will say and well wht should i do? help me please.........
Posts: 9 | From: battle ground WA , United States | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
feefiefofemme
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My mum's pretty cool with my bisexuality. Sometimes I get the feeling like she's a little uncomfortable, but she's still really great. And hey, I don't ask her to be completely comfortable with me. Just to support me, which she does.
Posts: 406 | From: California | Registered: Jun 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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