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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » HELP PLEASE! desperate!

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Author Topic: HELP PLEASE! desperate!
sarbear
Neophyte
Member # 41555

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Okay I have been with my boyfriend for about two years now, im almost 19. We have had ALOT of problems, we broke up a few times over the same topic, but i am so confused i dont know where to turn to. My junior year in high school, about 2 in a half years ago, I did something incredibly stupid, i went to a party with a guy from my school who happened to have a "crush" on me for a year or so, i didnt know him well, but i convinced myself that i might have my first real relationship. even though i really had no interest in him and he was actually quiet disgusting, i yearned for a "boyfriend" or to be "liked/loved" so at this party we went to his room and almost had sex. by almost i mean, he attempted for literally a few seconds, and nothing went inside of my WHATSOEVER. i actually nothing but movement in my upper leg for a few seconds until i pushed him off me and said stop because i felt so uncomfrtable. i never wanted to lose my virginity this way, and to my stupidiity i actually thought i did and soon my entire school found out. As time went by, i met my current boyfriend, we were fine and dandy until the day came when we actually had sex. Real sex, i bled and i have never felt anyhing like it before like him actually inside of me. Ever since then he has completley changed because he thinks i took his virginity but some random guy from my high school has mine. The event that took place at this party years ago hapened so short that i can barely remember and to this day i still cant understand why i went around telling everyone i did have sex with this guy, when i really did not. its like i convinced myself i did in order to get attention. well i am not this kind of girl, and my boyfriend will not believe me because of what happened and how i told everyone we did, i just need to know even though nothing went inside of me does that still count? did i actually lose my virginity to that guy in high school? in my head i know i didnt, but it feels like it happened so long ago i cant even remember and i wasnt drunk or anything. i just know my boyfriend wont ever believe me. help!
Posts: 23 | From: us | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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What I'm hearing in this is that what matters is not so much what did or did not happen with you before at that party, but how your boyfriend is not trusting you.

In other words, it sounds like there is a history in your current relationship of big problems, some of them stemming from your boyfriend's distrust and the fact that he is attached to the idea that it is SO important you lost your virginity with him (and it shouldn't be that important). It also sounds like your boyfriend has betrayed YOUR trust by spreading rumors about you.

When it comes to virginity, since it is not a medical/physical issue, the ONLY thing any of us can do is take someone at their word, and understand that however they define virginity is their right way. I hear you saying you did not have sex with that other guy, nor do you feel you did, and that you lost your virginity with this boyfriend. In hearing you say that, I take your word for it, because it's the only one I CAN take.

It seems to me your boyfriend either isn't able to do that, or that he LIKES having this conflict and using it to make you feel bad. It also seems like you clearly -- and understandably feel -- he is just not going to have trust in you.

What that tells ME -- as does the history of this relationship -- is that this relationship simply may not be a good one for you to even continue. You're clearly agonized over all of this (also understandable), so what I'd like to ask you is this: can you talk about why you want to even stay in this relationship with this person? What good things does he have to offer you? How much mileage do you think a relationship has when one person will not trust another or treat them with this kind of respect?

Given what his limitations obviously are in this, and how likely it seems he is going to keep behaving this way no matter what you do, what do you see as your options, and what do you hope to get out of this?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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P.S. I just noticed your other post. If this is also a partner who won't help be responsible for safer sex and birth control, that's certainly something else to think about per how healthy a relationship this really is for you, okay?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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