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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Its become a chore to him.

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Author Topic: Its become a chore to him.
PuNkYeGg
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Member # 21320

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Hey!

Not posted in a long time... but here we go.

Ok so before me and my boyfriend actualy got together (about 2 months ago) we liked each other but didn't seem to be too serious. He told me it wasn't serious, and I told him the same. After a long time of this, I met another guy, who I started a proper relationship with. This ended within a month and I didn't really mind seeing as my mind was still on my current boyfriend.

After that break up, my current boyfriend ignored me for a while, was really distant and generally didn't seem to like me, untill a certain point, when he seemed to have changed and after a long time, we ended up in our relationship that we are in now. (Confusing... sorry)

Anyway, my current situation seems to be ok, however its not. I'm really glad that he still wanted to be with me, but now he constantly calls me names, puts me down infront of people, and compares me to other girls who he claims are better looking than me, better girlfriends than me.. etc. It seems immature and he makes out as if hes joking but it still gets to me. He just doesnt seem to care anymore. He always brings up the fact I 'left him' for this other guy, which isnt technically true, although I regret it more than anything.

Ive tried to talk to him about this but the minute I mention it he assumes im arguing and threatnes to finish it as he doesnt like arguments. I know what I did was wrong but I feel if he can't get over it (seeing as we were not dating at this point) then I would rather he ended things than carry on acting the way he is.
What confuses me is one minute hes really nice, saying how much he likes me and stuff, but the second I mention anything like that hes like "ewww commitment stay away", and then returns to his blunt, dismisive way.

Ahhh I need advice [Frown]

x

Posts: 97 | From: Uk | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Poppy87
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Ok,

Well I don't (obviously!) know your boyfriend but from where I'm sitting it looks like he's trying to keep himself protected from getting hurt.

It is my guess that when you dated the other guy he was pretty hurt. As you said, you didn't do anything wrong, per se, but perhaps he thought you guys were more 'together' than you did, or was planning to ask you out soon.

In any case, I would say his changed in behaviour is because he is anxious not to be the 'desperate, needy' type partner, or to be more in to you than you are to him. Perhaps he thinks by making comments about not wanting commitment etc. he can protect himself a little bit. Ditto with the comments about the other girls, I would say it looks like classic behaviour of him wanting to keep a bit of power by not showing you how important you are to him.

So, while he may not, deep down, mean those comments, they are still awful so you really need to let him know they are hurting you. Also, try make him a bit more confident that you really do want to be with him... maybe you could explain that you just wanted a 'proper' relationship and that was the main reason you went out with the other guy... if you had been aware your boyfriend could also offer you that then you would have chosen him.

But I could be way off!

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JamsessionVT
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While I think Poppy's advice is sound, I wouldn't suggest bothering to try and work this out. This relationship has turned into an abusive one, and I think it'd be best for you to get out as soon as you can.

Given, this isn't physical violence, but emotional and verbal abuse is just as bad and just as damaging. Regardless of your previous actions, whether you left him for someone else or not, he DOES NOT have the right to put you down, call you names, etc.

So, bottom line: his behavior is abusive, no matter how you cut it. You deserve better.

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Abbie
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PuNkYeGg
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I understand that he should'nt be acting this way, but I don't think I'm at the stage of being able to break up with him.

You see, our relationship is strange. Its hard to describe, we do like each other but at any sign of commitment from my behalf he freaks out, where as if he mentions it its fine.... and I do think this is partly due to him protecting his feelings, yet if it's not for this reason.. how do I know that he actualy cares about being with me ? :S

Ughh relationships should'nt be this much hastle should they. :S X

Posts: 97 | From: Uk | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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quote:
relationships shouldn't be this much hastle should they
No, I'd say that they shouldn't. But what you are describing is not merely hassle: you are describing verbal and emotional abuse, as Abbie pointed out. And that should not be present in healthy relationships at all.

I hear you defending him in terms of why he is doling out this abuse. Please understand that people who are being abused will often say there are unique reasons someone is abusive to them, but that doesn't mean it isn't still abuse. It is. As well, most of these rationales people being abused have for those doing the abusing are things that have come from abusers to excuse their behavior.

You ask how you can know if he cares for you. Flatly, I'd say that someone who does the things you are describing is demonstrating pretty clearly that they are not able or willing to care for you: that's not how we treat people we care about, and we ALL want to protect ourselves. In other words, one way to know someone cares about you is by their NOT behaving in this way. His doing these things to you also does not protect him, anyway. It just harms you, which is pretty easy to figure out if you try and make any sense of how calling someone else names protects anyone.

I know that it can really hurt to have to face that someone you like and care for is unwilling or unable to care for you back, but I'd say that in the long run, it's much more hurtful to NOT face that reality when it is reality and stick around someone who is and will likely continue to do you harm, as well as not caring about you.

Are you interested in relationships where you are loved and cared for and treated with respect? For real? Enough to not accept relationships where you are not?

If so, are you willing to act in that interest which means get out of relationships where that is not present, and wait for relationships where it is? Do you feel able, at this point in your life, to both be able to tell the difference, and to have the self-esteem to protect yourself with sound limits and boundaries? Do you feel like you have the level of self-esteem and real care for yourself to be able to have intimate and healthy relationships at this point, period? Enough to say no to relationships where you are not treated with basic kindness?

[ 11-11-2008, 06:09 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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