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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » completely lost

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Author Topic: completely lost
hunnybunny888
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I don't know what to do about my boyfriend. It seems like I've been contemplating breaking up forever but never really come to a desicion.
some times im so infatuated
sometimes we just have a great relationship
sometimes i think things won't last much longer
sometimes things are going fine but i just really wanna date other people.

And I've also just been feeling lonely lately I don't know why. Its getting harder and harder to hang out with some of my closest friends here (conflicting schedules, living farther apart, etc.) and I am making a lot of new friends and am involved in arguably too many activities. But I don't feel like I have a really close group of friends that I can hang out with on a regular basis. And sometimes this transfers onto my bf, or one or two closer friends who are around. It's so wierd, because I love my alone time, but I just haven't been wanting much of it lately.

My new roommates are really nice, but I thought we'd be a bit closer by this point, but due to just conflicting schedules and different friends we haven't had too much bonding time

Posts: 246 | From: canada | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JamsessionVT
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I guess I'm not sure what your question is here...

Do you want input as to how to get rid of feeling lonely? Do you want us to give you input about your relationship with your boyfriend, etc? Some specificity would help.

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Abbie
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hunnybunny888
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I'm not sure really. I guess that I feel like I've been considering breaking up with my boyfriend for so long, but always just wanna stay with him for a little longer, and I never wanna end on a bad note, and I just don't know what to do anymore, because I do want to be single, but I want to be with him as well, and this has been going on for so long.

On top of that sometimes I think I'm starting to get a bit needy or dependent, which is my biggest fear in relationships. And I'm just not sure what to do. Sometimes it feels like hes my only close friend here, and I don't want to lose that, even if it will only be for a couple months until we can try to be friends again. Sometimes I think that is part of the reason I stay with him, but I'm not sure if it is, I do love him a lot and have been infatuated recently and really want to be with him. And I don't know why I've been feeling lonely sometimes. I usually like my alone time and I'm just not sure why, I guess that isn't really an answerable question

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smokey
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I know that this sounds silly but it's something I will paraphrase that I got out of watching Oprah: if you're unsure about something, then don't make a decision, but stay put until you're absolutely sure of whichever decision you're going to make.

I guess this is true for relationships because once you break up it's difficult to get back what you once had.

If anything I'd advise you to maybe stay busy... join some clubs etc... and make some new friends, because then if you should choose to break up you'll have a support network which will make the whole process easier.. and if you don't break up then hey, you've made some awesome new friends [Smile]

I don't know about other people, but I know for myself that a partner definitely can not substitute the sort of support and companionship that you can get from your very best girlfriends.

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JamsessionVT
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I agree with most of what smokey said: creating a network of support is definitely a good idea, no matter what your situation, because it ultimately means some sort of fallback should things turn crummy.

What I would disagree on, however, is waiting on making a decision.

It can be hard to figure out what emotions are naturally occuring ones in relationships, and what emotions signal that you need to make a change, but it can be done. What I'm hearing from you is that there are A LOT of up's and down's in this relationship, to the point where you're seriously questioning whether this is something you want. You may never reach a point where you decide "I absolutely 100% do not want to be in a relationship with this person anymore". But if you're finding yourself in a constant cycle of questioning this relationship, it may well indeed be time to say "time out" and take leave for a while, even if it's just to collect your thoughts and take some time off for yourself.

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Abbie
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smokey
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Yeah you're absolutely right there Jamsession... I hadn't thought about it that way. Sometimes if you're swinging back and forth with feelings you can end up feeling a little dizzy and a break is usually a good idea.
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hunnybunny888
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The last few weeks especially I've been feeling so infatuated, but in a more stable way. It's kind of hard to explain. I was just thinking this morning how maybe things were starting to become more stable, and things would be great to keep going on like this for a while. Except a couple hours ago, he was over here and we were just playing around, and he accidentally banged my head on the wall (he's pretty hyper, and every now and then something like this happens, its not a big deal really) but I got hit really hard today and it really hurt and I felt kind of nautious. He was trying to move me around to make me feel better and I asked him to please stop because I felt nautious. He sat around moping for a bit, and then just said he was sorry and he better go. Now, to me, a head injury is kinda a serious deal, and if I was obviouslly hurt, and felt nautious, I'd probably wanna stick around for a little while, maybe get some ice, and make sure everything was okay. The thing is, stuff like this has happened before, he has no intention of doing the wrong thing, he just seems so clueless about obvious stuff. I told him a bit later that I was upset and he still thinks its because he made me bang my head, and not the leaving afterwards, I am just trying to explain that to him now. But it's kind of wierd, last time he did something like this I was really upset and went on break, but now i don't even feel that moved, it's the really stable feeling I've been having, it's strange, I'm not used to it. It made me really happy but I still don't know if I like it, I don't know. Maybe it would be a good time for a break up. The only problem is, I'm going back home soon, and I really don't want to be at home after being broken up. It's gonna be really hard on me, and my parents will celebrate. I would rather wait until after christmas I guess, but it just feels weird to plan it out.

I am involved in a lot of extra-curricular activities, so there isn't much more I can do to make friends. I do have some friends, but we all have different schedules. And most of the new friends I've made from activities I usually don't see outside of the events within that group.

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orca
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hunnybunny, looking over your posting history, it seems that you've been having these concerns about whether or not you want to be in a relationship with your boyfriend for quite some time now. I find that it helps to go back over my journal entries when I'm trying to make a decision on something to see how I felt about things in the past and whether or not how I'm feeling now is part of a larger pattern. You might want to do the same and look back over your old posts here. You can do that by going to your profile and clicking on the "View Recent Posts" button. As Abbie said, you may even find that you just need a break to sort things out. Might I ask why you DO want to stay in the relationship? What are you getting out of it? What are you afraid of losing if the relationship ends?

Ultimately, I think you need to make this decision based on how YOU are feeling, not on how you think your parents may react. If you're worried that your parents will react poorly, then obviously you are not obliged to tell them. Or you might just want to say to your parents, "I understand that you two were less than thrilled about my relationship with X, but I'm still getting over the break-up and I'd appreciate if you'd be supportive of me right now" and then explain to them what behavior does and does not constitute as supportive to you.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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hunnybunny888
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I have been debating this for a long time, mostly because I'm not too fond of commitment.
Why do I want to stay in the relationship, what am I getting out of it?: Because I love him, I have a great time with him, I can talk to him about anything, he is there for me and will help me out with whatever he can, he makes me laugh, he stimulates me intellectually.
What am I afraid of losing: a great friendship, intimacy.

At the same time, as you said, I've been thinking about this forever, and would like to be able to explore other relationships as well. But given the things above, I'm overall having a great time in the relationship with the exception of these mis- communications.

I know it isn't about the parents, but it will just be extremely unhelpful when they are gleeful about it. Even if they try to hide it, I know how they feel. We are also not very close and I would rather be around friends at the time, and have more on my plate, whereas christmas break is more about relaxing and not doing much.

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orca
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You know, you don't have to lose a great friendship or that intimacy if you end the relationship. Granted, things may be strained or awkward for a little while, but if you both value the friendship you share right now, then you should be able to continue it even after a break-up (though it may be good if you both take some time apart after the break-up to recooperate and reconfigure your emotions). If you do decide to break up with him (and only you can make that decision; we can talk it out with you, discuss how you're feeling, but ultimately, we can't make the decision for you), that might be something to stress to him.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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hunnybunny888
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I think we will be able to maintain the friendship, but not to the same extent, and I don't think so much intimacy either. After we went on a break, I asked if we could take things a step back, and we slowly just got closer and closer again. So I think without making really strict boundaries, it will just turn messy...but I guess there is really no way to tell, it could all work out fine. I guess it's just hard to want something so much, but not want it at the same time.
Posts: 246 | From: canada | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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