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Author Topic: college
931
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my girlfriend and i love each other very much and we can't imagine being with anyone else. i am a senior in high school and she is a junior. we both have been confused with what is best to do about college. we both really want to stay together and feel that the best way to do that is to go to the same college. we are very serious about this but i really need help. i do not feel at all like going to any colleges we are discussing now would be holding back from my own personal goals. we are looking at colleges in our area where i could live at home my first year, and i believe that i would be happy at any school and that i am ultimately the one who makes college what it is for me. when we first talked about college, my girlfriend told me she wanted to go to a really great school, and it made me feel that was the most important thing for her, which i totally support. my girlfriend tells me that she now feels the same way as i do about college, that anywhere she goes she would be happy at if it was with me, and i believe her, but i get very worried that i am somehow holding her back, or subconsciously being controlling or manipulating her without even realizing that i am doing it. i get very paranoid sometimes about trying to be the best boyfriend i can be. i am planning to talk to my mom and her mom more about college because i believe its important for our families to be connected. I guess i just really need some advice on if what i am doing is best. i feel like sometimes i am so in love with my girlfriend that i can't look as objectively at our college situation i feel like i should be. is it crazy for us to want to go to the same college even if it means not going to the absolute best school for our particular majors?
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hunnybunny888
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Hi There,

while it is nice to plan for a future together, it is even more important to plan your personal future. If they can be together, that is great, but if not, your plans together can wait a little bit. If you are serious about being together, you can check up on some of the threads about long distance relationships, to get some advice on things you can do to make sure it works with the change of being away.

This being said, if you think it is you but the college that matters, and it won't deter you from furthering your education of proffession in your chosen field, then whichever school you choose, great for you.

Your gf seems a bit more torn on this subject, I would suggest making it clear to her that your personal futures need to come before your future together.

There is always the possiblity that you will break up during college, and then you may have lost a better oppurtunity to further you career.

And if you do stay together, you can do that just as well without going to the same school! And then you will have plenty of time after you graduate to be together.

So, it's not crazy, its definitely understandable, but you should both definitely give a good long hard thought as to how it can or will affect your future

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orca
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Your profile says you live in California. Do you realize just how many great colleges are in California? A ton! I bet there's a really terrific one less than an hour away from where you live, two hours max. What I would suggest is that you each separately make a list of your top 5 colleges, making sure to look at the fields you want to go into, the class sizes you prefer, the setting, and the cost. Once you both have your lists, compare and see if you have any in common, or if any of them are near one another. You both may also want to meet with your school's guidance counselor and talk about your desire to attend the same college and see what the counselor suggests.

Like hunnybunny said, you don't have to go to the same college for your relationship to still work. It can be really nice to go to the same college, but it can also be nice to form a separate identity from your partner. You both can also plan this out as much as you want, but it may happen that you won't even get in to the same colleges. Colleges are really competitive now, so there's no guarantee that you will both get accepted to the same college. That won't mean the relationship is doomed to fail, or that it won't work out. Whatever happens, though, do remember to put your education first. Your education will impact and guide you the rest of your life. Relationships can come and go, as much as that can suck, but your education sticks with you always.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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931
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we are talking about visiting schools together and i plan on communicating alot with her and our families about what is best. but how do i know whether or not i am making a decision for college that is best for me or best for our relationship? we both wish to go to graduate school someday so we feel that our undergraduate degrees don't necessarily need to be at a super expensive school for us to go to a graduate school. My girlfriend isn't very comfortable with long distance relationships. but there are alot of schools in our area so we could both live at home. is it to forceful to ask about that? i am very nervous about making it seem like we are sacrificing each others personal desires.
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Heather
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To be perfectly honest, my impression is that relationships making the transition from high school to college have about the same chance of doing so whether the two people go to college together or apart.

In other words, long-distance relationships have a set of challenges, but so do relationships when two people are put into a brand-new college environment. Anyone who assumes going to the same school, or having one partner who is going and another who is not closer together per distance, means no transition or changes to their relationship isn't being realistic. You simply being in college when she isn't is very likely to present new challenges and dynamics no matter where you go.

So, if you think about it that way -- knowing that no matter what, there's no one way that's easiest -- that may help you be as sure as you can you are choosing the school that is best for your education and the social needs you have.

(As well, you also may not find the school you go to for your first year is where you want to stay for the whole of your education. So making a firm promise you'll stay at the same school she also chooses isn't very sound.)

[ 11-01-2008, 10:22 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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-Jill
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Actually I think it's a good idea to look at all your options, including colleges that will allow you live at home and save some money. And discussing things does not mean you're committing to them or pressuring her into them, it's just something you'd like to explore a little more.

I think orca's idea of each of you doing some independent research on what is best for you as an individual is a good idea. That way you'll both have a decent understanding of what you want and need from a college and you'll be that much more prepared to figure out what's going to work best.

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931
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thank your for the advice. my only concern really is that my girlfriend has told me she doesn't think she could handle a long distance relationship with me or anyone. i have shown her the discussion about long distance relationships from this website but it didn't seem to make any difference. i feel like nothing i say really makes anything better when talking about college with my girlfriend. if i tell her that i might want to go somewhere away from home, either very close by or far away, she feels that im leaving her and that id just find someone else to be with. and if i tell her i consider staying at home she says thats great but she isnt really sure if she would want to stay at home for college. she seems very confident that when i go to college i will transform into someone else and want to be with another girl. i guess im just not sure how to respond
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Heather
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Again, it sounds to me like she's assuming that you going to college close to home equals no changes to your relationship.

And that just isn't at all realistic. It is very likely that no matter where you go, there are going to be changes and new challenges.

But if she refuses to hear that, there really is nothing you can do. It's just going to have to be something she finds out about, no matter what you choose. She's going to have to deal with the differences of a high school relationship transitioning to an adult relationship no matter how she digs her heels in.

So, again, I'd focus on finding the schools which you want and are available to you per your educational wants and needs. It seems like she's not really up to making joint decisions in a way that really involve possible compromise on both your parts -- not just yours -- (and frankly, that's something likely to be a bigger barrier in the integrity and quality of your relationship than where you go to school) and so I'd simply figure you're pretty on your own here, which again, is fine.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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931
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i'd really like to compromise with her and to be close to each other. but i also really don't want to hold her or myself back from what we want to accomplish in life. i just don't know how to show her or tell her that going to separate colleges if necessary for our personal goals ,doesn't mean the end of our relationship. do you have any ideas? thanks!
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Heather
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Thing is, in order to compromise with someone, they have to be willing to do the same.

Seriously, if your words are not enough for her, there's really nothing else to do, but what is right for you. You staying also doesn't mean your relationship will absolutely continue or stay the same, but it seems that's not a common reality she's willing to consider. In a word, she's just not seeming to be reasonable and come to this with wide-open eyes, maturity and the kind of flexible spirit one needs to have a relationship that works over time.

Again, those kinds of problems are more likely to upend your relationship than anything else, and someone unwilling to look at all the options like this just isn't someone I'd make plans around. After all, if this kind of inflexibility tanks your relationship and you didn't choose to do what's also best for your whole life, you're going to find yourself in a pretty cruddy position.

So, once more with feeling, choose the college which is best for your education, for you by yourself, and to which you can afford to go. Your education is about you, not anyone else.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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931
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thank you so much for the advice! how do you think i could communicate this best to my girlfriend? when i tell her that i want her and myself to go to the schools that will be best for us individually because i believe its the best thing to do if you really love the other person and that i would be willing to really try and make a possible temporary long distance relationship work or even not be involved in another relationship during college, she seems like i am telling her that i am leaving far away and for good(even though the majority of schools i am applying to are in state and several i could live at home if attending) or that i wouldn't wait to be with her, and i would find someone else right when i get to college. How can i talk to her without making her feel this way? am i not saying things the right way?
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Heather
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How about something like this:

"Couples often have big adjustments to make during the transition from high school to college whether college is close or far away. We're going to have challenges to deal with no matter what, and probably some things are going to change no matter what. I hear that you're worried I will find someone else if I go further, but no matter where I go, there will be new people: where I am at doesn't matter, those other people don't matter, what matters is if you trust me or not to be honest with you, to communicate with you, and to honor any commitments I make to you.

Our education is something that's potentially going to have a huge impact on our whole lives, whether we stay together or not, and I don't think either of us is going to be helped by not going to the best school we can go to that best fits us. I think both for ourselves and for the health and quality of our relationship, we both -- me included when it comes time for you to choose a school -- need to be willing to be a bit flexible, and just commit to making the best of whatever situation we wind up being in."

Something like that.

You know, honestly, I hope that you both realize that no matter WHERE you go, many high school relationships just don't make it through the changes that happen after high school. I'm not saying you two absolutely cannot do it: some couples do. But I would try very much to make your plans considering that it is just as likely that next year you may not even be together anymore.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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931
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thank you for your help!
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931
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So i talked to my girlfriend about everything thats been discussed here. i told her that the best thing for our relationship is to put our educational goals first and then build our relationship around it because if it would hurt our relationship to hold each other back from our own personal goals and career paths. I also said that its important to realize that our relationship is going to change no matter what, and that relationships in any situation don't always work out, but that what matters is to recognize the difficulty in sustaining a long lasting relationship and working hard to achieve that goal together. after i said that she has seemed a little distant from me ever since. today i talked to her and before she has always said you should apply to whatever schools you think are best, even if it is out of state i will support you, and recently she tells me that she doesn't care where i go. so tonight she asked me where i am applying and i told her my finalized list of schools, and she becomes very upset with me because one school of the ones on my list she never knew about was out of state. she was very mad with me and seemed to imply i was hiding this information from her, when the fact is i knew she would get upset over discussing it and she already told me to go where is best for me; as i would want the same for her. because of that i decided to just apply where i wanted and then discuss more with her when i knew where i truly wanted to go. she told me that maybe we should just break up and swore at me and hung up. i'm not feeling very good right now. i'm just not sure if my actions were wrong. when we argue i feel like everything IS my fault and that i'm just not perceptive. do you think that is the case? what should i do?
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SnailShells
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Honestly, it sounds like you two are in very different places in your lives right now.

My boyfriend and I are seniors and are applying to different colleges. We've discussed our future, and we've agreed that even though college may be a parting of ways for us, we're glad to have the opportunity to know each other, and we will always count ourselves as dear friends [Smile] I know I'm going to be meeting lots of new people soon and that I have quite a bit of my life still to live. Right now I can't imagine myself with anyone else, but I also know it's not inevitable that we'll marry and settle down in the future; and that doesn't make me love him any less or feel that seeing him is a waste of time because "we'll just break up anyway".

It sounds like your girlfriend is just in a different place, and frankly, is not being terribly mature. You're being very reasonable. She's not doing the college application process and probably doesn't realize how stressful it is and how much pressure it puts on you. She doesn't seem to be a the point where she can accept that relationships--especially young ones--don't last forever, and that planning a college education around a high school relationship isn't a sound idea.

If I were in you shoes, I would consider taking a break (to give you both some time and space to breath) or breaking up. I know for me, having to deal with this kind of attitude from someone who is supposed to support me, not guilt-trip me or get super upset when I make important future plans that don't revolve around her, would drive me nuts and put me in a vey unhealthy place.

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I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty. --John Waters

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931
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I talked to my girlfriend today. she told me that she wanted to break up. She has always been wonderful to me and extremely caring to my family, but she told me she has done everything in the world to support me from day one, but that all i have ever done is hurt her. and that if i cared about her i would have told her the colleges i am applying to without her asking. Its very hard for me to get a perspective on this. i have always felt like i was a caring person, and always tried to be very humble. But she tells me that when something is hurting her i always turn it around and make it all about me. i am honestly confused as to who i am. i am very aware of some other guys who are total jerks to girls, and i have always tried to be better than that. but when i hear her talk to me i can't help but think i am just like those type of guys. I feel like maybe everything i do is hurtful and inconsiderate. she says when i try and communicate about this college issue i do it in a way which seems like i don't care at all about her. but i have always tried to communicate as respectfully as i could. she says that i always say wise *** remarks and am selfish. right now we are broken up. and it hurts me very much, it was my first relationship, and it lasted close to a year and a half, and we were both very close to each others families. i don't know what to make of myself and how i act. what should i do now?
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smokey
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I'm going to give you the perspective that she might be seeing, mainly because I went through something similar a couple of months ago... my boyfriend out of the blue raised the fact that he was thinking of transferring to another university further away from me... and immediately my first thought was 'he is going to break up with me because I'm not important to him'... and of course I was upset. I thought he was inconsiderate and selfish, mainly because I needed him at that point because I was going through a lot of personal things as well and needed him to be there for me...

I think what upset me the most was that he stopped telling me things because they would make me upset... because I felt that part of the deal of going out with me, besides being honest and telling me what was going on in his life, was to have to deal with me being upset about it... as in if he wasn't willing to accept that a decision like that was going to make me upset then he had no right to expect me to be all that supportive.

I think the difference between my situation and your situation though is that I was sort of left with two choices... I could stay with him and try my best to be happy... or I could break it off because it was upsetting me and messing with other things in my life like schoolwork. Of course eventually I did get over the initial impact of it and decided that it was best for me to stick around and work with it because obviously going out with him for however long was not a little thing to either of us...

Anyway... what I'm trying to say is that maybe the amount of sadness that this has caused your girlfriend may be the reason why she has broken up with you (although she is the only one who can say why exactly). While it's going to be hard, you're going to have to realise that you're not at fault for what has happened with your relationship. At a point in a relationship you have to take some care of yourself and do what's in your own best interests rather than the other person's, as hard as it can be.

My suggestion is that if you want to sort things out then maybe wait a couple of days till the issue has cooled down a little and then talk to her... or even write her a well-reasoned letter or email just to let her know your perspective of things.

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atm1
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I think she is probably hurt and confused, and is saying a lot of things she may or may not actually mean. Often, what we say to people when we're breaking up with them isn't actually that representative of how we actually think and feel.

She shouldn't be calling you selfish for wanting to make your own decisions for your future. You were trying to be realistic and mature about the situation, and it's not your fault that she responded so badly.

You might want to give both her and yourself a couple of days to cool off, and then maybe write a letter or email or something, just letting her know that you really care about her, and that making big life decisions is really stressful (and that's true no matter how old you are).

But, with the hurtful things she was throwing your way, I'd advise you to take a step back for now. It seems like she simply does not understand what you're going through, and that, at this point in your life, this relationship maybe wasn't the best for you.

Applying to schools (whether it's college or grad school) is definitely stressful, and the person doing it needs support. I'm really sorry your girlfriend couldn't give that to you.

(edit: Smokey beat me to some of it!)

[ 11-07-2008, 08:15 PM: Message edited by: atm1 ]

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931
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i would like very much to talk to her right now, but i know that things in are relationship aren't healthy for either of us right now? what can i do to take care of myself?
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smokey
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I find that when things are tough in my relationship it's always good to reconnect with my friends and people I know who want the best for me, like my mum and sister. Usually those people can give me some sort of guidance and reassure me of my own choices when I'm not so sure of them myself.

Also I find that going out with my friends from university usually helps a whole lot too. They just generally know how to have a good time and because they're solely my friends, rather than mutual friends with myself and my partner, I know I can count on them not to transfer across any messages of what I might be up to, how I'm feeling or anything I may have said while I'm sharing my feelings.

Sometimes study can be a good alternative to get your mind off troubles too. Or reading even... or exercise. I enjoy going to the gym as a pick me up treat (on top of regular sessions) for myself when I'm really feeling down... mainly because it's my way of taking care of myself, rather than wallowing on the couch with some icecream. It's a way of being proactive and reassuring myself that I'm taking great care of myself by putting in some effort to stay fit.

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931
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thank you for your advice! i have talked with my parents about it and my friends have been really supportive of me. When my girlfriend and I broke up, I got the sense that she's expecting me to come back to her and that my doing that would make our relationship right in her eyes. but while i still am a little hurt from our breakup, I am excited to continue my education at where ever I decide is best and use my time to pursue my own interests as far as what i want to do with my life. I've thought about your ideas of writing to her, but i am not sure if now is an appropriate time. i don't want her to feel like i am just writing to her to tell her how excited i am for my life in the future, but i also do not want to get her hopes up that i am miserable right now and trying to crawl back to her. I guess my question is, is writing to her after we have split up a wise thing to do, or is it better to just let things be?
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931
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Since is she has ended our relationship, is it appropriate to send her a letter about how I am feeling now? I don't want our relationship to end in hostility, but I want to get on with my life as well and not dwell on things out of my control. What should I do?
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smokey
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A letter might be a good idea in the sense that it might be able to offer her some closure... because by the sounds of things you have that right now, but she doesn't. Whether or not you write a letter is entirely up to you... but as long as you keep her feelings in mind when writing it I'm not sure you can go wrong with it. It sounds as if you're very considerate about her feelings which is always good to hear...

I'm not sure you can expect her to ever not be upset by the end of your relationship... if she feels like you shouldn't be leaving then you can't really change the way she feels... and if she feels hostile about it then I doubt that is going to die down for a while at least. I mean, she isn't likely to just turn around and be happy that you're ending the relationship you shared. Although, the counterargument to this is that if she really did care about you and have your best interests at heart then she would at least attempt to put aside her own feelings.

Maybe the best move would be to send her a letter if you wish, but make sure you emphasise the point to her that you're not interested in changing your education choices to stay with her. Could you still possibly be interested in pursuing a long distance relationship now? I know earlier she didn't seem interested in it, but maybe it's worthwhile asking her if her views on it have changed?

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931
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thank you for your help!
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931
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So after i sent her the letter, she told me that the reason we broke up didn't have anything to do with her feelings for me, but that she felt betrayed by me. We agreed that we would just apply to whatever schools we thought were best for us. Everytime since that that I have brought up college, she has always become very uncomfortable and almost seems mad at me for bringing it up. After this I had decided one day that I wanted to apply to an out of state school which is excellent for my major, but is a very big reach school for me. Within a day or two of this, she asks me which schools i am appplying to, and I told her everyone of the schools. When she heard i was applying to this out of state school she became extremely angry with me and that is when we broke up. I told her perhaps wrongly that the reason I never told her before was because it was a decision i made just a day or two before, and i had decided that it was such an uncomfortable subject for her that i would tell her if she asked me, but that i would not bring it up ( because i didnt want to seem like i was gloating about schools to her or something). So when she heard this she became very mad and shortly after we broke up. I can't help but feeling like I am the reason our relationship has ended. It seems like all our fights are caused by me in some way, and that I ruin everything. I know this isn't healthy to feel that way, but is that true by my actions above? Do I need to change for her or do I just need to move on?
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Heather
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What would you change?

In other words, is she asking you to make all your choices -- even those which are about your whole future -- about her own preferences? If so, that's just not healthy or the kind of thing that is the basis for a healthy relationship. Again, given your ages, your relationship even lasting another year really is unlikely. When it comes time for her to choose a school, should you be together, she may well find herself wanting to choose out of state schools, too. What then? How is that fair?

It's been said here a lot, but it seems pretty clear that this girl is not really approaching this with a decent level of maturity and consideration. Heck, any time any partner says all the troubles in a relationship are one person's fault you can usually be pretty sure you're dealing with someone who isn't seeing clearly or being fair because relationship problems do often tend to be about two people, not one.

Personally, even though I understand you have strong feelings for her, if someone broke up with me for considering the colleges I thought would be best for my whole life, and presented my doing so as a betrayal, I'd figure I dodged a bullet in terms of not remaining with someone who probably wouldn't be a very sound partner over time. I'd -- again, personally -- not be trying to hang on to a relationship going the way you've described this as going, because from my perspective, it doesn't look like one that's going to stay healthy or be able to go the distance.

I don't see you as having "ruined everything," here. I see you as being in a tough spot, trying to make a relationship work with someone who can't seem to acknowledge that there are parts of our lives where we need to put ourselves first and make choices based on ourselves, rather than what partners want. Your education, once more, is something that's going to likely impact your whole life, no matter who you are dating or with. As well, she just does not seem to be reacting to this in a way that's about sustaining the relationship: she doesn't want you to consider going out of state and says that's something that would end the relationship...however, it would only do that if you two chose to end it then, and she's also terminating the relationship herself right now because it appears that that's how she handles not getting her way, or avoids having to deal with a kind of challenge any couple will probably face more than once in a relationship.

See what I mean?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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931
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I understand what you mean. its very stressful for me right now with my college applications and dealing with all of this at the same time. i just feel like i am not capable of looking at our relationship objectively. sometimes ill really feel like everything is my fault and that i need to apologize for everything to her, even though i know in my heart my intentions have always been good. i feel sometimes i am just not a good boyfriend to her or am very awkward in our relationship( this is both our first relationship). But when I look at our relationship from this perspective, nothing changes except i feel worse about myself. i do know that our relationship is not healthy right now, and its probably best to move on, but i don't know how to deal with all the feelings i still have for her. what do you think?
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Heather
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I can see how you might feel like that if she is continually telling you everything is your fault. [Frown] But someone putting all the blame on you and taking no personal responsibility doesn't make everything your fault.

Here's the thing: you came here looking for help on how to handle this as best you could. For starters, that's all any of us can ever do: the best we can. You're right, when relationships are new to us, we are no doubt going to be clumsier in them than we probably will be later. That's just sort of inevitable, and something you have to be patient with yourself and others about. But I see you making a lot of effort and having wanted to no matter what wound up happening with school, while it appears that she was far more inflexible there. her inflexibility is HER thing, not yours. If someone, for instance, just absolutely has a hard limit on something, like not wanting a relationship that is long-distance, that's theirs to own.

Let me give you a personal example that may help. My partner is a filmmaker. There is a good filmmaking community here in Seattle, and there wasn't boo in Minneapolis, where I lived when we met. I, on the other hand, can do the work I do in pretty much any city anywhere, and I'd also been thinking about moving besides. So, I made that move, because a) we did want to live in the same city and b) when we did the math, the move here was easier for me than a move there would have been for him. To arrive at that conclusion, we talked it out a whole lot, with each of us doing our best to understand the other. My partner also split the cost of my move with me so we could do our best to make things as fair as we could.

(Had we been in a situation where neither of us could have moved without being able to work and move the other parts of our lives -- not just the relationship -- forward, we likely would have either just stayed long distance for more years, or figured that this kind of relationship between us just wasn't workable, even if we had wanted it to be. Our lives are bigger than just one relationship, so that's something important to always bear in mind.)

However, THE place to make films, if you're going to do that, is in Los Angeles. I cannot stand Los Angeles, I cannot afford to live there in a way that would work for me regardless, and I absolutely do NOT want to ever live there, and I have a hard limit on that. As well, he recognizes that I have already sort of had a turn being the one to make a move.

But I also am supportive of my partner in terms of what he wants and needs for his own life and work (the same way I'd expect him to be for me), so should he ever get to the point where he feels he needs to be in L.A., then given my limit and his needs, what we will likely do is either go back to being long distance for a while, or simply see if we can't find a way to basically have him live here and work there, commuting back and forth in some way. We've discussed this as a possibility that may come up sometime in life, and are jointly committed -- should this become an issue -- to finding a compromise where both of our needs are met or, if we can't, accepting that while we love one another profoundly, our relationship may need to change for both of us to be happy and have our needs met.

Can you see how that's a really different approach -- and one that is far more about two people intending to sustain a relationship and think jointly about both people's needs -- than what you're dealing with?

In terms of how to move on, feeling do tend to fade over time, and you also have the ability to recognize that whatever your feelings may be which are warm, you're also feeling like garbage because the person you have feelings for is trying to make you feel that way, and that's no good for you. Often, with a little time and perspective, it's not that difficult to let our feelings fade when we see that the relationship we put them in was negative or toxic.

[ 11-15-2008, 11:41 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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931
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thank you for the help. I'm really trying to make the best of this situation, but its hard for me to feel good about myself, do you have any suggestions?
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smokey
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Yeah... I imagine it must be pretty difficult for you right now... I'm having trouble understanding how exactly you do feel... Do you feel guilty for what you have done? Or is it more that you miss your partner? If she is saying hurtful things about you then you have to keep in mind that she is probably hurting from the whole process of breaking up also.

I know it's easier said than done but just trying to engage in other activities is useful. I'm in a relationship right now and I know that what works for me when my boyfriend gets me down (it's a pretty rocky relationship at times) is going to the gym because it's a way of taking care of myself. I also enjoy some retail therapy... because sometimes it feels good just to put on a pretty dress or something and go out with friends to help make it better to feel good about myself. I understand if you're not totally into shopping, but maybe just taking up a new sport? Or hanging out with friends and having a kick around the football or something could be useful? I can't stress enough how important your friends are to the whole process of moving on.

Also I find it good to sort of look back and try and remember the sort of person I was while I wasn't seeing anyone. That sort of gives me a guide as to the person I am and how much the relationship has influenced me and my opinions.

It's nice with the extra time you have now to do more for yourself. Read more books, listen to more music... go out to concerts, go out dancing... go to the gym or play sport everyday... and you'll still have enough time for homework [Smile]

Just reply back if you need any help... I know I would like to hear how you're feeling about everything... just remember that we're here to listen 931 [Smile]

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atm1
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I second smokey on the picking up a sport or something similar. Working on something that's productive and is just for you, not anyone else, can be a big moral booster.

Also, you're still working on college apps, right? Is there any way you could read someone's letter of rec for you? The process of applying for pretty much anything is the process of selling yourself and making people look at your file and go "Wow this guy is really great." Take a look at your own stuff in that light. Reflect back on all the stuff you've done over the past few years that you're really proud of. Then you'll kill two birds with one stone--you'll feel better about yourself, and can get some good essays out of it!

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931
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thanks for all the advice! my friends and family have been really supportive and have got me through this very well. But in talking to my dad, we discussed something that I wish to bring up here to get a different perspective. I was performing at a school event, which i was required to be at because of an extracurricular activity i do, and my girlfriend almost never would go to it. But this weekend she did go, with her friends, and she would walk around the place with some different guys kind of showoffy, and would go with them right almost 4 feet away from where i was performing and look very happy and laughing and having a good time. This was a school function that she knew i was required to be at and that i had a job i needed to focus on while i was there. After the event, i felt hurt but assumed it was only my emotions messing with me. but when my dad and i were talking, he brought up the subject, saying how apparent it was even to him, and he thought she was being incredibly immature and quite frankly, very jerky. This event has made getting over this relationship extremely difficult for me, but i'm trying very hard. What do you think about this? Does this really display her lack of maturity or am i making to big of a deal over nothing?
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931
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i have one more thing i want to bring up. so last week, i took your advice and decided to write her a letter, telling her that i am sorry our relationship didn't work out in this point in time, but that its important for us to take some time to focus on our individual needs so that our lives in the future will be better( its the only way i could see us deciding to get back together in the future and have things be healthy and work out). I told her how many wonderful memories i will always have of our time together, and that i have absolutely no feelings of anger and hostility towards her. I told her while things aren't working out now, i don't want to destroy any chance of them working again in the future ( which is why i tried to make my letter as respectful as i could). So this weekend she began talking to me, and i responded. i told her that i really do want to be with her but that at this point in our lives, its not really healthy, and its my opinion that if we were to just continue as if nothing has happened, eventually we would break up and end the relationship in hostility, which i would never want. Today i talked to her and I said the same thing to her, that i think its best if we focus on our individual needs for the time being and if a relationship between us could happen in the future as a result of perhaps changed perspectives or something, that its something i really want to consider. when i told her this, she told me how could i change my point of view so much from the letter i sent her? I was very confused by this but maybe im not very perceptive. she said that i don't care at all about her and our relationship, that i'm probably feeling good now because i'm the one who "ended" our relationship and not her ( even though we have still been broken up this whole time), which i guess means she thinks i need to have power over her or something to be happy. I feel very sad about the way everything turned out, but alot of her words and actions over the time we have been broken up seem very immature. That doesn't mean i dont love her any less, i don't think its best for us to have a immature relationship which would lead to future hostility. Am I wrong? i mean she will tell me one thing about my actions, and everyone else will say something different about my actions. im not sure who's right. it feels like no matter what i do, there will be a significant negative reprocussion. Were my actions wrong?
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