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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » i'm finding it impossible to get over my boyfriend's emotional affair

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Author Topic: i'm finding it impossible to get over my boyfriend's emotional affair
Member # 40831

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My boyfriend (20 years) and I (19 years) have been together now for two years.We are crazy about each other, we say we don't feel whole with anyone else, and lately he tells me all the time that his number one, most important goal is to marry me. However, my boyfriend made a mistake last summer and fell into a emotional affair with a 15 year old girl named Eileen. We were all in a musical together, and I noticed them flirting a lot, she would sidle up to him and comfort him alone after we had just had a fight, and she invited him to parties without inviting me. Eileen tried to be my friend too, but I always felt wary, like her friendship was just to cover her tracks. She would sometimes snidely make fun of me in front of my boyfriend, once mocking me for not drinking from a bottle of alcohol she snuck into a restaurant and another time for trying to cheer my boyfriend up in a way she thought laughable. Their relationship escalated to them texting rather intimate messages (Eileen to bf: "I hope you're not biking in this weather, I want you to stay safe") him calling her babe (which is his name for me) and iming each other with exchanges like..
Eileen-so what are you up to?
bf-maybe going to carnival in new hartford shopping center after i take shower [Wink]
bf-the shower part or carnival [Wink]
Eileen-both [Wink]
bf-uuu [Smile]
The last time they saw each other was at a bonfire where I had to leave early and my bf decided to stay...after that I accidentally stumbled onto that im conversation (we have each others passwords) and told him it was her or me, he chose me, and deleted their last text messages rather than show them to me. I eventually got over it, but recently my boyfriend finally came clean with all the details... like how they had sat way too close together at the bonfire, he had tickled her, they kissed each other on the cheek, she sat on his lap, and one time in the car (after she dropped me off at my house after a rehearsal!) they held hands the entire way to his house. He had even talked to her once about how he was angry with me, and she would in response try to cheer him up. She was at the time "important" to him and he had feelings for her.
When he told me all this, I was shattered. We are each other's first serious relationships, and we set very definite boundaries with each other on what was cheating early on (kissing, tickling, hand holding, sitting in laps all included as not allowed for either of us), and all of those boundaries felt meaningless. I felt meaningless. While the affair was happening I cried it felt like for three weeks straight, knowing it was going on but everyone but my best friend saying I was crazy. With all these new details up in the air, I can't wake up in the morning without picturing them holding hands, I have nightmares of them leaving together and I'm sitting alone in a room, I feel like I'm not good enough and even looking at a picture of them together at the musical makes me cry. The actual affair itself occurred from late july to late august and its now almost november and I'm still not over it. I love my boyfriend and I do believe he won't do it again, he says he feels like he was a horrible boyfriend to me and he feels absolutely disgusted by her and by the entire experience and he will never talk to her again. He says that he loves me more than he loves anyone, and at the time he felt alienated and unappreciated. But now..I don't like the person I am. When he told me he let her sit in his lap for a full minute before he stood up, I actually full on slapped him across the face and made him cry...and then later I slapped him again! I'm always now filled with such anger, I have dreams of attacking Eileen and beating her to the ground, I stalk her facebook page (yes we are still friends on facebook, my bf wants me to remove her because he has, but I almost started crying because I can't stop stalking her page), I save pictures of her so I can look at them and think about how I should keep trying to lose weight, look prettier, be better than her, I hound my boyfriend with questions about girls who just talk to him at work. I have fantasies of actually attacking her, spitting in her face, calling her several unpleasant expletives. I really think I don't deserve my boyfriend because he told me that part of the reason he had feelings for her was because at the time he liked her personality more than mine, and I was alienating him with my constant attacks and suspicions (caused in a vicious circle by her presence). I have no plans of leaving him because I believe in his sincerity and he's the only one who makes me truly happy and knows every side of me and loves me for it, but I just want the pain to go away. Eileen didn't help either, because months after my bf told her he wasn't talking to her, she sent him message after message, and began harassing me online with random questions over im with the sole intent of provoking me into speaking, so she could then feel like she could talk to my bf again. My birthday was yesterday and I still could not wake up without picturing them holding hands. I am at heart really a sensible person and I understand that my behavior is not healthy. Please help. And I know its easier to answer such a long question as this when you know a bit more about who you're talking to: the guy in the pictures is my bf, the brunette is me, the blonde is Eileen. Thank you for reading.

Edited by Jacob: Heya, for your own protection, the user guidelines state that you mustn't put any identifying information on the boards including links to photos so i've removed them. Please take the time to review the guidelines you agreed to on joining the board here:

The statement concerning photos is in the 5th paragraph

[ 10-30-2008, 12:12 AM: Message edited by: PenguinBoy ]

Posts: 2 | From: USA | Registered: Oct 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 28394

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Hiya lynne, welcome to Scarleteen.

The first thing I'm worried about here is the violence. It's not ok or normal to slap someone, no matter how you feel. If you get that urge, it's far better to just walk away and avoid the situation until you're calmer. If the stress of this relationship means you can't handle doing that, I think it's important you take a break as soon as possible for both of your sakes, and sort out how you can stop this happening; anger management can make a big impact and improve things, then continuing with the relationship.

If you've set clear boundaries like the ones you mentioned , which is a great thing to do, and he breeched them. There is betrayal there. Most of the things you mentioned could be taken as light-hearted or misinterpreted, but if he admits to wrong doing that's something that could help you come to terms with it. However, it sounds to me as though this closeness he has had with someone else has been consuming an extensive amount of thought-space for you.

You need the thinking time to actually question what you want in this relationship, and how you're going to handle your anger. I think taking some space away might be the best bet. If a breech of your trust has led to you being so unhappy that you threaten the safety of your boyfriend, it's probably time to reassess whether it's right to continue. You need to decide whether you want to grow to accept that it happened and do so without it making you violent, or if it's time to leave the relationship for the better.

If you get the opportunity, talking to a therapist could be wonderful; asking what makes you angry, upset, or happy and inevitably help you decide what to do about it all and how to live around it.

I hope I helped.

[ 10-30-2008, 10:01 AM: Message edited by: PenguinBoy ]

Jacob - my Scarleteen Blog - Please help sustain scarleteen

Posts: 633 | From: Bedfordshire, UK | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 40831

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I do understand and I feel horrible [Frown] I started crying so hard after I slapped him b/c I knew it was awful and I was in disbelief, I hadn't actually planned slapping him, and I couldn't believe I had done it until it was done. You can be certain I won't do it again, I would hate myself if I became that kind of girlfriend and I love him way too much to hurt him again.
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Hi Lynn,

Like penguin boy said, some space away might be best, you have to decide if you really can trust him, or if it's always gonna be in the back of your mind.

You can even try taking a break to just be friends for a little while. If you both care about each other and want to make this work, the best way to do this may be to take a step back emotionally, and move very very slowly, until your trust in him is built again. If you are confident you can trust him, but still can't stop thinking about it, this is a nice slow way to ease into it.

Also, part of the problem is your current anger at the situation.

I think you need to have a good long chat, saying that while you still want to trust him, you are finding it hard, and that even though you have forgiven him, you are still upset about the situation and it is going to take some time before things can be the way they were before. You don't necesarly have to break up, but just change the nature of your relationship to better suit your needs at this time

Posts: 246 | From: canada | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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