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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » did I do something wrong?or am i over thinking?

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Author Topic: did I do something wrong?or am i over thinking?
banana'sdream
Neophyte
Member # 40545

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hello! I'm in high school and I love this site. I haven't even had a boyfriend yet, nor is sexually active(i do masturbate)information please be patient with my long~~story.

anyways, I'm having jumbled feelings, i have a friend here,lets just call her A,that i met in art class(it's a she), and she has a boyfriend L(coupled in may, I think). i didn't talk to him until the middle of summer, over AIM/MSN, and was close....then after a few weeks....we had some online cuddling....(it was role play fun) we had cybersex once.....cyber-mutal oral once, and ^%*&%^ times of cuddling and affectionate play.....but i just dismissed it as role playing.
school then started, and we started arranging 7 AM meetings, a hour before school starts....there was nothing much at first, but then after a while it developed into kissing on cheeks, hugging, rubbing my belly(he loves my belly,cause its"so soft~~and squishy^^"),rubbing my legs then into caressing my butt. he basically thinks I'm a(very cute, and he repeats that...A LOT) walking turn-on for him. which I'm glad to know.(i don't have much confidence, i just recovered from what I think is depression) then recently, he started playing downthere, fingering me, which in my opinion, he is very good at.....one morning was hot enough(i set my limits, no breast/lips, or anything over the first line) to give him an erection, but after a while...it finally snapped into me.... am i being a third person?am I falling for him?(my heart feels sour whenever i see A&L doing anything affectionate)what am I to him(he says I'm his good friend)? so letting my sensible side take control, i used to excuse that we're being too close with each other that might raise rumors and I don't want to be tacked whore/bf stealer. now, we are nice and cool with each other....until this week, he barely talks to me...or say hi. i IM him and he doesn't really answer in a way that seems he's really into the conversation, he doesn't actively IM me anymore. when we do see each other(we're both early birds) we don't do anything.....and i sort of yearn for/miss it....is this wrong or am I just bf hungry? and I am being quite bipolar.....my heart sours at their affection scenes, yet i wish good for the couple.......>< is it because i'm the one that knows that they are active and has seen their relationship course?and should I and how do I approach L now?

P.S is there a way to help me to stop bottling my feelings? i somehow got this habit since my depression, since my depression was "hidden" it only showed up when I'm alone.
thank you and I'm sorry this was long.

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what is reality? it can be a dream, right?

Posts: 13 | From: bed | Registered: Oct 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JamsessionVT
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 17924

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I see a few things here, and I'll try and point them out to you.

Number one. The relations you're having with your friend's boyfriend are, for one, inappropriate, not to mention incredibly disrespectful of her and her relationship with him. It's pretty wrong on a lot of levels. Regardless of YOUR feelings right now, he's already partnered up. So I highly suggest these meetings stop, now. If you find yourself wanting those things again, it might be better to cease all contact with him.

Number two. I'm sensing some low self-esteem here in the way you're seeking attention from this guy. I understand it can be great to have someone give you attention like this, but seeking it from someone who already has a partner is a big, big no-no. Have you thought about maybe actively pursuing a relationship of your own, or finding some other people with whom you can chat?

Number three. Given you seem to have a short history of depression, self confidence issues, have you thought about maybe talking to a school guidance counselor or therapist regularly for a while? It may help with your insecurities about yourself as well as anything else you may be dealing with.

I'm glad you wish well for your friend and her boyfriend, but that means you have to step out of that equation completely.

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Abbie
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-Lauren-
Activist
Member # 25983

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How's the support going for your depression, bananasdream? Do you have lots of friends supporting you? How's your family dealing?

It can feel really amazing when you have problems with self-esteem, your appearance, being bullied etc to suddenly have a guy giving you lots of compliments and attention. Sometimes it's really easy to lose focus on what's right and wrong. Sometimes that can seem like that's the only way you can be special, attractive, or worthy, and it doesn't matter what it takes to feel that way.

Believe me, pursuing this is not worth it. Friendship is much more important than this temporary "high", and it's not a good idea to get very attached to male attention as a source of feeling good about oneself. You are special, beautiful, and smart, and if you find ways to nurture that and grow as a person, you can find someone who can like/love you on a deeper level, not just someone on the side.

What JamsessionVT said holds; you must stop this. I'd recommend you really come to grips with what is causing you to do this, what you're gaining from his attention, and focusing on ways to work on that on your own or with a counselor.

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banana'sdream
Neophyte
Member # 40545

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thanks for your advice.^^ it's hard for me speak my feelings, and it causes me to bottle everything. art is a let out, as I draw, i mutate my feelings into something, and draw it out. we don't talk at all now(and the meetings have long stopped,and thus I'm out of the equation), and i don't see them(the couple) a lot anymore, so it's a bonus for me,i guess. my depression isn't really "there", as if it is in a remission. I still have some self-esteem issues(i admit to it), and my friends do tell me I'm good looking, but i just can't seem to get it in my brain, but i don't think I'm ugly. I don't seem down at all when I'm with my friends, in fact, I'm one of the loudest. I'm very thankful of your advice.

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what is reality? it can be a dream, right?

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orca
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Do you have a therapist that you are seeing for your depression?

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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banana'sdream
Neophyte
Member # 40545

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yes I do now, and thank you for your advice, the incident is over and is now a lesson and memory. I'm so glad that I asked instead of it being bottled in again. thank you scarleteen.

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what is reality? it can be a dream, right?

Posts: 13 | From: bed | Registered: Oct 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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