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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » unfair reaction?

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Author Topic: unfair reaction?
Member # 29737

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last night my boyfriend and I were at a bar downtown, as it got a bit later the other person we were with had to leave so it was just me and the bf. I tried to make him come dance with me but he refused, at some point some other girls who I had never met before (and he knew this) told me to come dance with them. my bf sat down for a minute and then walked away (I didn't know where, but thought maybe the bathroom or to try and find one of his friends that we had bumped into at the bar) after about 15 or 20 minutes I went to look for him and saw a message on my phone that said come outside, when I went he wasn't there so I called him and he said he waited for me for 15 minutes and now he was almost home.
I was EXTREMELY upset, it's just not something I would do to any friend I was at a bar alone with, especially a SO. It was a small bar, he knew where I was, he could have easily come and said he wanted to leave, did I want to come ( he says he assumed I was having fun and wanted to stay and he didn't want to ruin that fun)
Not only do I just find it rude that you would leave when you were out alone with someone, but just the safety implications that the other person now has to find their way home in the wee hours of the morning in not the safest city in the world. Not to mention, leaving me in a bar with people that neither of us had any idea of who they were.

After he knew I was upset he called and called, I ignored most of them but when I talked to him he said he had no idea it would upset him like this (quite genuinely) I eventually just sent him an email because I felt it was a little unfair that I just continued being upset at him without explaining why. So I explained and also said that I really think we need to back off for a few days after this just because I'm so shocked he would do this, and just mentioned he could also use this time to think about some other stuff we had been talking about, but for the most part our relationship has been going really well the last few weeks.

Anyways he emailed me back and said he was sorry and he didnt even think about the safety stuff til I told him in the email, and that he's not going to try to chance my mind if I think I need a break but he is asking me to re-consider if I did this in the heat of the moment.

Now I'm just not sure, if he had no idea that this was a bad thing at all, it's not an excuse really, but does it warrant this drastic treatment? For some things I would probably say no, but this is just something that, for me, is so obvious that I don't think ignorance really makes the situation any better. So I guess I'm just not really sure what to do now

Posts: 246 | From: canada | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Blue Koi
Member # 39785

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I think that your worries are legitimate concerns. If someone is old enough to go to a bar, it should be pretty common sense to be aware of one's surroundings and taking care of the people that one is with. Like you mentioned, even just acting as a friend, you should check up on whoever you are with before just leaving. Sounds like he might have been uncomfortable with the situation and decided to leave. A better solution would have been to talk to you if he was unhappy with the environment (not knowing anyone and sitting by yourself can be a major damper on a night out), and tell you that he wanted to leave. Are the two of you communicating well? Can you think of other instances where a lack of communication has led to conflicts like this one? If that's the case, it could be a good idea to have a discussion about it. Check out Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models

How far this relationship goes is a personal decision. Based on his past actions (not promises!), evaluate if this is someone you want to be with. Is someone who leaves you at a bar alone someone you can see taking care of you in the future? Will there be other instances where he might put you in danger because he doesn't realize what the consequences are? Do you trust him?

"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."

Posts: 171 | From: USA/CHINA | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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