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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Best friend drops a huge bombshell...

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Author Topic: Best friend drops a huge bombshell...
Pooky
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My best friend of 8 years and I have always been super close and have always told each other everything. Even though she has always had trouble picking out the right kind of guy to date, its never been anything dangerous, and we've always been there for each other. We are both 20 years old, and her last boyfriend was 26... needless to say, she broke up with him last summer because of the age difference. She thought they were at different points in their lives and wanted to wait to meet a boy her age who could make her happy. She always made me jealous talking about how fabulous single life was all the time, and how she didn't care for a relationship anymore.

I hadn't really heard from her much in the last three months and I started to get really worried. The only messages I got were that she was busy with work and just didn't have the time to hang out. Even on my birthday two days ago, she didn't call me, and thats something we ALWAYS make time to do. I decided to write her an email asking her where she was to see if she was okay. Today, I got a reply explaining that she had been busy and met a guy online, from Georgia (we live in Pennsylvania), and that they had really hit it off. I thought this was suspicious because it was the first I had heard, and she told me she was still single in a note a few weeks before. To make things weirder, after knowing each other for two weeks, she said he flew her down to stay at his house, alone, for a week...and that she's been flying down there all the time since then! To make matters even more weird, he is 36 years old! She wrote about how wonderful he was and how he buys her things, and said they've been dating the past 8 months! I can't believe she had been lying to me about being single for so long and never called me. I'm worried that she is being used by a man 16 years older than her - almost double her age - and she flat out lied to my face for almost 3/4 of a year.

I thought we could share everything together, shes been my best friend ever since middle school. Also, she always said she was so busy with her two jobs and I didn't see her all summer, and even before then I had to plan our meetings on days she had off. Now I find out shes been taking multiple weeks off of work to fly down to see this random guy I just found out about today.

Needless to say, I sent her a message back saying how much she hurt my feelings and how betrayed I feel. Someone tell me its not just me being over dramatic and that this is wrong! What kind of 36 year old man with respectful morals would be okay with seducing a 20 year old college student online and flying her across the country to stay at his house alone for weeks at a time? She says she can't imagine dating anyone else... I don't know what to do. Shes still my best friend and I love her and I'm worried. I honestly think its disgusting what hes doing and trying to spend his way to pressure her into sex or something. She deserves something better than this. Everything just seems weird to me and creeps me out, wasn't expecting it at all! She would have never lied to me before, I feel like shes a totally different person all of the sudden. Any advice would be appreciated! [Frown]

[ 09-04-2008, 05:12 AM: Message edited by: Pooky ]

Posts: 48 | From: PA, USA | Registered: Oct 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JamsessionVT
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Well, let's be realistic here. While your feelings are completely justifed, you don't know this guy. We don't know a single thing about him. Is it wrong to be wary of someone with that large of an age difference? No way. But I don't think you should jump and label him as a pervert who just wants to seduce your friend and use her for sex.

I think you friend suffers from a case of bad judgement. I agree with you that 16 years is a pretty damn big difference in age: they are at totally different points in their lives, likely want different things right now, and probably don't have a whole ton in common as far as goals are. That's the most likely scenario. With your friend's history, it makes sense that she gravitated towards someone who makes her feel cared for and appreciated. Is it a healthy situation for her, not to mention realistic? No, not really.

Have you heard back from her yet? Obviously you've made your thoughts on this pretty well know: it's worth remembering that you can't make her decisions for her. She's old enough to make those herself, and her relationship choices are her business. Whether she has the sense enough is another story, but again, this isn't something you can keep her away from. That's not your place. As hard as it may be, if you value your friendship, let her know how you feel, that you're hurt and upset that she lied to you, that she's changed, all of those observations. Then see what happens.

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Posts: 3987 | From: Greater Burlington Area, Vermont | Registered: Apr 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Pooky
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Thanks a lot for the advice! In my reply back to her I let her know that she had made me feel really upset and lied to, like you said. Its not even the fact that shes dating a guy who is 36 and halfway across the country that she met online, even though thats an extreme situation. I told her if she wanted my support with this relationship, she could have had the respect for me to call me months ago so. She just tagged it to the end of a note with 'By the way' (seriously). He might not be a pervert, but still, I would think a 36 year old would know right from wrong with flying a 20 year old halfway across the country to stay at his house... he should be ashamed of himself. I'm just afraid that, since she doesn't want to date anyone else anymore, if she goes down there to stay I'll never see her again. She hasn't responded to me yet, but if she does I guess I'll know where to go from there. I feel sick just thinking about it.
Posts: 48 | From: PA, USA | Registered: Oct 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Blue Koi
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I think that you've done everything you can to communicate your feelings to your friend. Now it is just a matter of waiting to hear from her. A friendship goes both ways, and it make take awhile for her to collect her thoughts, but be patient. She probably waited 8 months to say something becuase she didn't want to be judged for her relationship. Telling you was probably really hard for her. Perhaps it is also good to make sure she knows that you are there for her. You can still disagree with her choice, you're entitled to your opinion, but she will probably be more open when she knows that you're there to support her.

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"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."

Posts: 171 | From: USA/CHINA | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Pooky
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Was just going to update this with whatís happened since my first post. After I sent my message to my friend telling her how I was offended and why, two weeks went by and I didnít hear anything from her! I called her and got her voicemail, and texted her saying if she valued our friendship at all she would have made an effort to contact me about the situation. She sent me a message the next day (no call) basically saying 'It wasn't my intention to hurt anyone and I didn't know how to bring it up" and nothing else. No apology, no explanation, no understanding or compassion or just EFFORT. It gave the impression like it was my fault that I was offended, and that was just my problem she didn't have to deal with. I responded that same day saying again that I wished she had the decency and respect for me to call me and talk.
Itís been another two weeks since then and I havenít heard anything else. Iíve been friends with her for so long and after this I feel worthless in her opinion and not worth her time. Obviously, she doesnít care enough to talk through it in any way. Sheís sending the impression that a guy sheís known for 8 months is worth more than a friend of 8 years, which is such a slap in the face. I donít see how I can be friends with someone when I try to explain myself and they canít even be bothered to respond to me at all. I wrote to her basically saying good luck with her relationship but that I didnít deserve a friend that treats me like that. Am I right?

Posts: 48 | From: PA, USA | Registered: Oct 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Stephanie_1
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You've tried continually to contact her, and she's not responded to your calls or messages. Sometimes relationships do overlap friendships, and other times one covers the other. You're certainly entitled to your opinion, and it seems that right now she's just not willing to talk about that or anything else.

I don't think you're wrong for telling her that it hurts you when she doesn't respond to you at all - and maybe taking a step back from the friendship will give everyone some time to cool down. It's not a definate, but she might come around in time. Sounds like time and space is what you both need a little of to think about this from another perspective.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

Posts: 3429 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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