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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I can't get over a problem and NEED ADVICE

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Author Topic: I can't get over a problem and NEED ADVICE
Member # 39988

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I'm having a personal problem with my girlfriend. Her and i have been dating for a year now and are in love, but recently i have been having a growing issue not so much with her, but with myself. She lost her virginity when she was 15 almost 16, She is no 20. She is still close friends with the guy she lost it to, on fact she calls him her best guy friend. He is actually a friend of mine too, but we are not all that close.

Over the passed recent months i have been having a growing personal problem. I cannot stop thinking about her losing her virginity to this guy and i really don't know why. I don't know if its because he is still around or because i am jealous that it wasn't me. More and more i am becoming bothered by this thought. I hate the idea of knowing that someone i see rather often has had was the first person to have sex with my girlfriend. I have expressed my feelings to her and she explained that she cannot change her past and that i need to find a way to get over it. I don't know whats wrong, but i'm thinking about it more and more each day, or at least it feels that way.

I don't know whats wrong with me!! It didn't bother me so much until the past couple months.

Why can't i get over this??

Whats wrong with me??

[ 08-25-2008, 03:16 AM: Message edited by: Jameson ]

Posts: 2 | From: Minneapolis, mn | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 39969

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Wow. I had the same issue too. It wasn't one of the biggest problems I had with my ex, but it was one of them. I guess one thing that helped me is to figure out what exactly bothers you about it. Are you jealous? Do you feel less special to her? Do you think sex will be less special to her as a result of her past relationship?

If it's the first case (jealously), I can't say anything, because I really wasn't jealous about it.

But if you feel it make sex less special between the two of you, then that's not true. One thing I learned is that your feelings and emotions don't work that way. It's not like you're born with a finite amount of love, and it goes away after several relationships. Thankfully, emotions don't work that way. One thing that helped a lot is to remember that the person you fell in love with is largely a sum of her experiences and that includes her past with the other guy. If you want to take that away from her, you'd be changing the person you fell in love with in the first place! Much of who she is comes from her experiences and that shaped her into the girl you like now.

I guess a lot of it is a learning experience and gaining confidence in yourself, at least it was for me. The girl in front of you is what matters.

Anyways, I'm sorry this bothers you though. It's such a strange and awkward thing to be upset about. Practically speaking, it's weird becaue it doesn't affect the day-to-day happenings but, for some reason, it can gnaw at you pretty badly.

But I'd say the thing that helped me the most was to take a different perspective about her experiences. As my relationship progressed, I realized that I wouldn't want my [then] girlfriend any other way. I wanted her to go through all the experiences she had with that guy because it made her into the person I fell in love with.

Also, I think ppl place such a big emphasis on first-time sex that it's like you could divide your live into "virgin" and "post virgin" period. But in the end, it's not THAT much of a deal breaker.

I don't know if this helped a lot, but I went through this as well. It's a learning experience, I guess.

Hang in there and have some patience too. As time goes by, you'll hopefully see things in a different light.

[ 08-25-2008, 10:24 AM: Message edited by: BobbyC ]

Posts: 21 | From: USA | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 39988

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I know her past experiences made her into the person she is today and i am greatful for that because she really is a wonderful person and a pleasure for me to be around most of the time.

I just need to find a way to not think about it, but i just havn't found that technique yet. Most of the time the thought randomly pops into my head. There's some trigger that makes me think about her relations with this guy.

It definitly does not affect our current sex life, cause the sex is always great. It really is just something that disrupts my peace of mind and i can't figure out why.

Posts: 2 | From: Minneapolis, mn | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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