Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Too obsessive?

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Too obsessive?
toocoo
Neophyte
Member # 39929

Icon 1 posted      Profile for toocoo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hey, it's me again [Smile] I feel like i'm smothering my girlfriend.

I don't like to share time with her friends. Like, I don't like having to sit around and wait to talk to her because she's been talking to her friend for the last two hours. So I end up texting her something bitter about it... It makes me feel like a bad boyfriend in the long run, but i feel she's doing me wrong at the present. Any suggestions?

Posts: 11 | From: Washington | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, I;d say if someone is having a conversation you;re not art of for two hours while you're supposed to be spending time with them, you certainly have a right to have an objection.

I think we can probably agree that the usual etiquette, if a friend calls and wants to talk in =depth when we're with someone else is to call them back later. And if we are in a group with several people, we also want to be doing our level best to include everyone in conversations.

I don't think that asking for those courtesies is smothering someone.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
toocoo
Neophyte
Member # 39929

Icon 1 posted      Profile for toocoo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I guess I should have been more detailed:

I'm used to texting her nearly 24/7, and i guess that's the conditioning i'm used to, and it's screwed me in the long run:

She'll be at her house, i'll be at mine. I'm the type of person that when i'm texting her, that's pretty much all i'm doing. If her friend calls, she's usually like, "Oh, such-and-such called and i'm talking to them [Smile] " I'll be like, "Ok, text me when you're done?" And she'll tell me she's still going to text me. So I figure she will. I end up sitting and waiting ten, twenty, thirty minutes plus for replies and this bugs me.

Posts: 11 | From: Washington | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
People tend to talk to close friends for a long time, especially talky people.

You know now that the expectation of twenty or thirty minutes for her sometimes is off, right? So, now that you have that information, you get to adjust your expectations accordingly. [Smile]

But for sure, 24/7 texting or calling is a LOT. What are you doing with yourself otherwise in those 24 hours? How about your own friends and the parts of your life which are separate from her>

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
toocoo
Neophyte
Member # 39929

Icon 1 posted      Profile for toocoo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm at one of those stages in my life where I'm maturing faster than a lot of my friends. They want to sit around and play video games, where i would rather do other things. This should be better when school starts again in a few weeks; I can widen my range of friends... But, she's the person I most want to spend time with, and I choose her over other people in nearly every case :/. Even though I shouldn't have that expectation anymore, i'm having a hard time letting go of it.
Posts: 11 | From: Washington | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It's fine to prefer one person over others. I know that a lot of the time, I'd like to be with my sweetie rather than other people, too.

It's just that that can't be ALL of who we see and spend time with. But it sounds like you already know that, and have the intent of adapting your social circle so you can have some new friends you feel more in-step with. You also certainly have the option of taking yourself out to do things.

You also sound pretty self-aware about all of this stuff to me, so now it's just a matter of engaging some willpower to cut some of the texting, and have realistic expectations when it comes to HER not having only you in her social circle.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
toocoo
Neophyte
Member # 39929

Icon 1 posted      Profile for toocoo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I agree whole-heartedly. I think it's mostly a case of me simply backing off a bit.

Another problem I have attached to all of this is that I feel like she gets more joy out of other people that I can give her. If that makes sense.

Posts: 11 | From: Washington | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Blue Koi
Activist
Member # 39785

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Blue Koi     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Talking from my own personal experience, at the beginnings of relationships I often question why my boyfriend chose me over everyone else, or whether I was "worthy" of him, but I just realized that this was my way of beginning to build trust. Over time, these insecurities would fade as I became comfortable with our relationship and saw that he really cared about me and was respectful of me. Trust does not just come out of nowhere, it needs to be earned, and as it is earned, anxieties should go away as you get adjusted to each other and learn more about each other. This just takes time and truthful communication. I do not think that you are being too obsessive, but just having normal relationship emotions.

These are some things that the two of you can talk about. You don't need to go through all of them at once, but perhaps slip one of two into the conversation once in awhile until you've covered all of them. Talking about important relationship issues shouldn't be a chore! It's a great way to learn more about the other person and grow together.
Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models

--------------------
"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."

Posts: 171 | From: USA/CHINA | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3