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Author Topic: I am tired of fighting with him...please help.
OracleofDreams
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Member # 30102

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I feel frustrated and ignorant about my relationship with my boyfriend right now. We've been fighting over a lot of pointless things lately, but with every fight I lose faith in the relationship.

It was fine at first, well we've been dating off and on for 8 years. But now I'm tired and mad at everything, I get frustrated so easily around him. I think all this frustration and fighting has made me depressed without realizing it. I mean, our intimate moments are fine, and we usually get along fine, but it seems there is always something rotten in this relationship.

For instance, this happens often; He will say that he wants to do something like go out to eat, but when I meet him there is a change of plans and his friends end up being there so we don't have time by ourselves. It's somewhat difficult for us to have privacy, but I won't go into that. Maybe I just get offended easily, but sometimes I think he doesn't care/realize that I am with him, like my time doesn't matter or something. Another thing that aggrivates me is that since he doesn't have a car, I have to drive anytime we see each other.

I just get frustrated by many things now when I'm with him, like he will say something that he knows will embarrass me in front of his friends, and he doesn't really defend me if his brother or friends make a remark about me. I know I'm not the best girlfriend, but sometimes I feel like all I'm doing is defending myself. But he tells me that he loves me more than anything.

Overtime there are good moments of course, but the bad ones are taking a toll on me. I get put into all these uncomfortable situations, for instance, we were at his house having sex, and his dad comes home barely catches us (of course his dad is drunk) but says to me "you know what, I think my son can do better than you" and my bf doesn't say anything.

I guess I'm just trying to ask is what I should do, because I'm seriously very tired of all of this effort I have to go though just to date this person. We've been through a lot, and I don't think I want to leave him, because deep down I really do love him, but I'm so hurt, tired and frustrated...

Posts: 30 | From: United States | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TallGlassOfClass
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Every relationship is filled with it's share of ups and downs. It is natural and healthy that you will not agree on everything. It is the ones we care for most that represent our greatest source of frustration as well. If you weren't invested in the relationship, intense emotions wouldn't exist, period. Regardless of how those emotions feels to you.

I also want to add: in regards to your statement that every little thing in your interactions is frustrating right now, being upset over more inconsequential events or idiosyncracies is often the case when there are larger issues under the surface we are either unaware of or don't know how to broach the complexities of.

His tendancy to invite friends along in all of your interactions may speak more to his level of comfort around having a girlfriend in general. Sometimes people say things that are awkward or inappropriate because they simply don't know how to interact when merging these two different aspects of their life. The consistancy, comfort, and ability to relate within his circle of friends may be difficult for him to translate into his relationship with you and how to communicate as a whole. I offer these suggestions only as a means of gaining possible insight and to excuse or defend any of his actions. Understanding the other side of a dime, though I'm only hypothesizing, can sometimes help us to broaden the bigger picture.

You say "I know I'm not the best girlfriend" and I wonder what you mean by that? Your boyfriend telling you that he loves you doesn't negate the way his actions make you feel. People often will use joking as a way of undermining how much their words have affected you. Know how some will follow up any number of hurtful remarks with "just kidding"? That isn't to say your boyfriend is intentionally hurting your feelings or ignoring the impact of his actions but the fact is, he's continuing to act in a way that isn't making you feel too confident about the direction of your relationship.

I'm sorry he doesn't defend you when his friends or family has offended you in the past. All of his behaviors can be analyzed (and trust me, I've done my fair share in difficult relationships) but when it comes right down to it, it would be helpful to ask yourself what you personally get out of this relationship and what direction you realistically see for your future together. The conclusion I'm drawing from your post doesn't sound as though you're currently happy in the situation and it will likely take some conversations that are difficult to start in order to find out where you both stand.

I wish you the best in health and happiness.

-Chelle

[ 08-12-2008, 10:20 PM: Message edited by: TallGlassOfClass ]

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A great deal of our unhappiness can be traced back to our society's simultaneous respect for individuality and demand for conformity

Posts: 21 | From: Portland, Maine | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TallGlassOfClass
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I just happened to reread my post and realized I had a typo that could translate into misreading my entire message [Wink] When I said "to excuse his actions"...I meant "NOT to excuse his actions"...sorry about that [Smile]

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A great deal of our unhappiness can be traced back to our society's simultaneous respect for individuality and demand for conformity

Posts: 21 | From: Portland, Maine | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
OracleofDreams
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Thank you very much for your reply. It helped me gain more of an insight to my relationship. I'm just a little afraid that if I ask myself what I want out of this relationship I won't like what I come up with.
Posts: 30 | From: United States | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TallGlassOfClass
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I'm glad you found my reply helpful [Smile] If I can become a tad more confusing for a moment (though it will come full circle), what if you asked yourself why you're afraid of not liking what you find within your relationship dynamics? I ask because sometimes people are more fearful of losing what they perceive is derived from the concept of a relationship than the actual person they are with. Wondering if your thoughts are along those lines?

No one can tell you what the right answer is but I can assure you that if you do feel that leaving this relationship is the best choice for you, it will feel better for your emotional health to face these issues sooner rather than later. That's not to minimize how difficult this process can be. It doesn't sound like this is a waxing and waning of a relationship so much as a persistant feeling on your part that it is lacking in ways that are essential to a healthy dynamic.

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A great deal of our unhappiness can be traced back to our society's simultaneous respect for individuality and demand for conformity

Posts: 21 | From: Portland, Maine | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
OracleofDreams
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Thanks again for your time.

As for your question- I'm pretty sure my thoughts don't lie along those lines. I say that because that I am not concerned about having a boyfriend for the sake of having one. I think I'm afraid to ask myself what I get out of this relationship because I'm starting to think I shouldn't be in this one. I'm having a hard time letting go of what has happened between us in the past and I just want it again, but it seems to be getting worse. I think that our relationship might be emotionally draining and that's why I'm tired. I'm not sure if I'm ready to leave though, because I still have some hope and also because I don't think I'm ready for another breakup with him yet...

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Blue Koi
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Member # 39785

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While it's true what Chelle said that relationships have ups and downs, that does not mean that the "downs" should make you feel horrible about yourself, or you should feel like your persons is being emotionally attacked (like being embarassed in front of him friends, or hearing his family members disrespecting you). When it comes straight down to it, you are only hurting yourself if you stay around someone who is disrespecting you as a person. I will leave it up to you to decide whether you believe he is doing this to you. You deserve better than that.

Also, in your last response, you seemed to hit on a few good points when you reflected on how to truly felt about this situation. I understand that it must be really hard to break-up with someone you've had a history with, but you have to concentrate on what you feel now. Does he make you happy now? Are you happy? Do you feel good about yourself? You mentioned that you are not always the "best girlfriend," but what does that mean? A relationship is a two-way road and it doesn't mean you need to be perfect all the time. The beauty of a relationship is that you get to learn and grow with another person, and you should feel good while doing it! I have a hunch that this notion of not being the "ideal" girlfriend stems from perhaps he insinuates that you are not good enough. You are good enough. Do not let anyone try to make you question you self-worth.

He says that he loves you, but the best indicator sometimes isn't words, but actions. Think about what happened today, or yesterday, and ask yourself if he acted kind, caring, and respectful of you. And while reflection is good, perhaps it is long past due the time when you bring up this issue with him. Tell him how you feel, and perhaps give examples of times where you felt uncomfortable. Instead of accusing, though, try to make it a productive discussion by talking about possible solutions to make both of you happy. Perhaps he needs time alone with his friends sometimes.

I noticed that you say "another" break-up, which almost seems like you might be subconciously saying that you know you will come back to him. I know it would be very very hard, but if you do end up leaving, the best thing to do is to cut off all ties. Do not attempt to talk to him. When I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years (which is nothing compared to your 8!), it took me 1 year to get over him because there was some contact at first that just made me miserable. I felt like I would never find someone again. It was only after I cut off ALL ties when I went back to China that I totally healed. I wasn't thinking of him everyday. When you can go for WEEKS without thinking about him, that is the only time it is okay to try being "friends."

I know I may come off as biased on this subject, so for a more objective view, check out: Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For

Your relationship reminds me of an MTV True Life episode I watched awhile ago called MTV True Life: I'm Breaking Up. Perhaps watching it will give you an outsider's perspective and give you some more insight on what your next step should be. I tried really hard to find it, but I can't seem to locate it. Really, though, I recommend watching it if you can find it.

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"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."

Posts: 171 | From: USA/CHINA | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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