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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Porn, College, and Such

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Author Topic: Porn, College, and Such
katiebird
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I just got back from a week vacation with my boyfriend of almost two years, and a few issues came up. Mostly involving myself. I will probably give another fleshy post tomorrow, when I’m more awake, but basically:

1. The instance of porn, and watching it together, and then I started questioning whether I should be mad at him for watching it, or jealous (I was before). And, I’ve had issued with pornography before, the fact that I think it assigns women a role. But then started watching it with him. And suddenly my opinions change. Why do I feel guilty about this in some way?

2. Next year, I’ll be a senior, and he’ll be a junior. Meaning I’m off to college before him. So I was having one of those moments where I was considering a long distance relationship, but these were all the conflicts going through my head:
a) No, we should be in an open relationship because he probably will find someone new as would I
b) But an open relationship would probably mean our relationship would just end and…
c) I don’t want that to happen on the other hand because I love him. I’ve been with him for two years and we’ve both commented on marrying, children, you know mostly casual joke things but sometimes he gets really serious and says he can see himself with me forever, as can I BUT…
d) Then I start to think I’m silly. We’re no different that other people. Just because we’ve been together for almost two years doesn’t mean it will keep going. I shouldn’t have this fantasy vision of it. I’ve never been in another relationship…it could be better? It could be worse.

My thoughts are just bouncing everywhere. There are things that bug me about him, and vice versa. But I love him. And I think our relationship is going great. I’m just concerned about college. How do I know whether I should continue the relationship? Because I’ve hear, and read mostly here, that you shouldn’t restrict yourself like that, be dependent on a boyfriend, and that long distance relationships usually don’t work.

I guess it that’s fear that you’re missing out on something. But at the same time, you’re so happy now…is there really something better? What if you leave what you have now, lose it forever, and discover that the grass isn’t so green on the other side?

Posts: 90 | From: east | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Anna Karina
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I am newly turned 21, and my boyfriend and I (same year) have been together for almost 5 years now- we started our junior year in HS and we've keep together through most of college (this coming year will be our 4th and last year), long distance. (we're both from CA but go to school in different states).
I hope that intro wasnt completely lame- I just wanted to tell you so you woudlnt think I was spouting advice from nowhere. But that given, this is the way that I've seen it. I dont think there is anything wrong with trying. Its true, you will never know if you made the "right decision" until the end of your life when you can reflect, I feel its that way about marriage too. Just because you get married wont mean its "worked"...does that make sense?
I think if youre happy with him right now, there is nothing wrong with trying to make it work through the distance- if you guys make it through the first year, I promise you'll feel closer because of it. And if you guys dont, it will hurt, but then, you'll know that you at least tried.
I think I can relate to the feeling of curiosity about the "college life" and other guys out there- especially during the times my boyfriend and I fight and we're apart, I wonder.
But to me, the truth of the matter is, we will never know whats going to happen later on. But if you know youre happy now, its worth a try.
Good luck, I hope whatever you decide to do, works =]

Posts: 8 | From: San Francisco, CA | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
libertatissacra
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Well, I don't think you should avoid a long distance relationship just because they "don't work." For some people, they work out beautifully. For others, they don't, and you'll never know if it will work for you until you try it.

Also, opening up a relationship doesn't necessarily mean it will end, just like making a relationship long-distance doesn't automatically doom everything.

How well these kinds of things work out are completely dependent on the people involved, not on whether or not that dynamic worked out for your friend or a random person on the internet.

The best advice I can give is to do what you and your partner feel is best for your relationship, and not rely on what did or didn't work out for other people.

And I don't think there's anything wrong with talking or thinking about the future of your relationship in terms of marriage, children, etc. I've only been with my boyfriend for about ten months, and we've talked about the prospect of getting married. Not in the sense that we're going to go out and do it tomorrow, but just in the sense that if, in several years, we're still together and still happy in our relationship, it's something that we'd probably consider. I think as long as you're realistic about it, there's no harm in having those thoughts and conversations with a given partner.

--------------------
"America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between."
-Oscar Wilde

Posts: 115 | From: San Francisco, CA | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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