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Author Topic: my boyfriend watches porn
kahleigh
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ive looked forever for a site to ask advice on so i really hope this works. my boyfriend and i have been dating over a year and are together everyday. he is the only boy i have ever been full on sexual with and we have done everything together. he told me he doesnt watch porn but just the other day i found out it was a big lie. i looked through his computer history after hearing from a friend that he does and found numerous sites and searches on google. it really bothers me that he does this because i try to get creative in the bed to please him but sadly..i guess its not enough. if i confront him he gets defensive and mad and says he wont do it anymore. i also caught a bunch of look-ups for different girls on google..even his ex girlfriend.

i feel its my fault and that im not enough to satisfy him. he says he will stop but he wont and i know it. the thing is, i love him so much and dont want to lose the only real relationship ive ever had. im so sick of feeling hurt and useless..what do i do?

Posts: 3 | From: Nahant | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Hey, kaleigh: I'm sorry that you're feeling so hurt and sorry that you were lied to. That's a bit of a double-whammy: addressing porn use when you haven't before and dealing with a betrayal. Have you two at least been able to talk about the lying aspect of this productively?

Just so you know, most people are attracted to more than one person: you probably are, too. Most people also have sexual fantasies about more than one person. Those things don't mean a given person "isn't enough," just that it's safe to say that while plenty of us may choose monogamy because we only want to actively be with one person, or be with one person exclusively, what our actions are and what's in our heads usually differ in that way. As well, most people -- even those in relationships, still masturbate because masturbation isn't the same thing as partnered sex, and while there is some overlap, those two things are about different sets of needs.

That doesn't mean you have to be okay with porn or want it in your relationship: you get to decide on that one and whatever you decide is just fine. But it might be helpful to try and approach this from a place other than "not being enough," if you follow me.

Before we gab more, I have a few existing threads and a couple other links for you to look at which might help, perhaps even all by themselves.

Here they are, and feel free to pop back after you've read them if you want to talk more about this.

• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/porn_the_eternal_conversation_killer
• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/why_does_my_boyfriend_watch_transsexual_porn
• http://www.scarleteen.com/cgi-bin/forum/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=9;t=001168
• http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?/ubb/get_topic/f/3/t/007893.html#000000
• http://www.scarleteen.com/cgi-bin/forum/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=27;t=014956;p=1#000000
• http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?/ubb/get_topic/f/3/t/007865.html#000001

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
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saguy
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Porn is so mainstream in today's society. Some couples even watch it together. I don't think it's something to worry about.

I would be more worried about him lying to you about it.

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Heather
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Hey, saguy? Different people feel differently about pornography and porn in relationships. Plenty of people DO worry about it and plenty of people are not comfortable with it. Plenty of couples do not watch it together, plenty of people don't want it in their lives, and plenty of people don't have it in their lives or relationships by choice. It may be mainstream in many areas, but that doesn't mean a lot of people still aren't comfortable with it or okay with it, nor that even those who are don't have conflicts about it to work out sometimes.

Dismissing a person's concern like this comes off as...well, dismissive. It can also give the impression that something is wrong with having concerns or NOT wanting porn in your life or relationship, when that's as valid a view and want as anything else.

In responding to threads like this, please try and respect differences, particularly when someone is suffering, okay?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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kahleigh
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acctually..and I hope this doesn't make me sound stupid or like a hipcryte (I can't spell? I know..) but we have watched porn together because like I said I try to keep creative..but the thought of him pleasing himself to other girls when I always thought I was enough hurts me soo much. I've caught him before with messages on myspace before too "joking" as he calls it with girls he knows about sexual things. joking or not being my boyfriend I don't think its right.

I am a very emotional person so I tend to cry a lot..and the thought of him doing all this sets the tears off bigtime..I told him it hurts me and he doesn't understand or somthing. it makes me nervous too because I fear that instead of not talking to other girls in that way or watching porn he will just try harder to hide it.

I'm so lost. maybe I'm just not good enough. the girls he watches have perfect everything..and they are up for anything..

even when I do the more crazy stuff in bed it still doesn't seem to be good enough and its deffinantly not what I would choose...idk what to do

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Heather
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Did you take a look at those links, kahleigh?

You're right: porn sets up some pretty crazy expectations in terms of how it presents people and sex so unrealistically, and so all-about-sex. On the other hand, we can actually say the same thing about the way romantic comedies present romantic relationships. Fiction and fantasy media of any kind doesn't present reality because it isn't intending to, and that's not usually what people watching it are looking for: they are looking for escapism and for fantasy.

Again, though, while there are plenty of sound and valid reasons to decide not to have porn in your life or to have objections to it or aspects of it, know that it is highly unlikely ANYONE will have their whole sexuality usurped by a partner. Most of us WILL have sexual fantasy about other people or situations, and that can be in our heads during masturbation or even sex with a partner. That's normal, it's common and it's okay: it's not reasonable to expect anyone to not have a sexuality or sexual imagination that is a) all about only one person or b) all about a partnership. We have a sexuality of our own even without a partner, and that doesn't go away when we're with someone.

The "crazy stuff" you're doing in bed: is that just for him? In other words, I hope that whatever you're doing sexually is also what you want to do and enjoy doing yourself, but you seem to be saying that it isn't. Seriously, don't do things you don't want to do and which also don't feel good to you, physically and emotionally: time to put a stop to that. Partnered sex is, effectively, about two people's unique and personal expressions of our sexuality, shared. If we're acting or trying to put on a show, our sex life is going to understandably lack depth and often feel like it isn't even about us.

Trying to have a sex life that's about keeping a partner entertained -- about your performing, basically -- or trying to keep them around doesn't tend to be healthy or result in either person feeling very good or really connecting.

[ 08-05-2008, 10:46 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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saguy
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quote:
Originally posted by Heather:

In responding to threads like this, please try and respect differences, particularly when someone is suffering, okay?

I offered no disrespect whatsoever. I made a statement regarding how mainstream pornography is in today's society and expressed my opinion that lying about it is more of an issue than watching it.

I am speaking as a guy who watches a ton of porn. I'm 24 and I've never been on a date and due to my lack of social abilities, it might never happen for me, so porn is my only visual sexual release. When I watch porn, I'm not fantasizing about being with the girl in the video, I'm fantasizing about being with a particular girl I may know in real life and have a physical attraction to or a crush on. Some first impressions of that may be to think I'm crazy, but it is what it is. Pornography is a fantasy world. While I have zero experience to say otherwise, I know that what I see in porn isn't what I can expect if I ever get to fall in love and have sex.

If this relationship is serious and they both love each other, I would bet that this girl's boyfriend thinks about her when he watches porn. Perhaps that is something for them to talk about?

[ 08-05-2008, 08:42 PM: Message edited by: saguy ]

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kahleigh
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heyy..i never got a chance at looking at those links but thanks for sending them. to both of you..thank you. i took both of your advice and thought about it a lot. i combined it all in to one logical problem solver..hit the problem straight on.

i confronted him about that and other things. we both decided to get out a lot of things that have been bothering us. turns out after some deep thought i had somethings i needed to get out too.

we had our major talk and things are looking better than ever or at least better then they have been in a while.

thank you so much for all of the great advice. ill deffinantly be back ;]

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lain
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Even as a female who can understand what this girl is going through, I agree with saguy.

Heather, I don't think he was dismissing anything. And I agree that his lying and "hookup" looks on myspace with other girls is more important than the actual act of watching porn.

My boyfriend watches porn, and I'm 100% okay with that. He knows that what he sees in porn isn't exactly what I'm going to provide or have the ability to provide if that's the case, and he's expressed, like many men do, that that's okay and that he understands.

And even as a female, I also watch porn from time to time and I feel exactly the same. Just because I watch other men doesn't mean I don't love my boyfriend, and it doesn't mean I'm somehow cheating on him or anything of that sort by just being attracted to more than one person.

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Heather
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The thing is, it's not up to us to determine what is important to kahleigh.

Personally, I would find lying a much bigger issue, and for the most part, I don't personally have issues with porn in relationships either, however, that's not to say she (or anyone else) would not -- or because I don't or you don't, she shouldn't -- particularly since we all feel differently about porn, and if and when it is in our relationships, the dynamic is not always the same. Everyone posting here could agree with saguy, but that still doesn't mean his construction left a lot of room for those who do NOT feel that way.

As well, just because something is mainstream doesn't mean we have to be okay with it or accept it. For instance, factory farming is mainstream, but I'm not down with it. Plenty of other folks don't have a problem with it, but it doesn't mean that if I do, there's something wrong with me or that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.

There's no sense in really having a big discussion on this here, particularly since the OP got what she needed and has moved on. But one thing we know from many conversations about feelings regarding pornography over the years is that frequently, people not okay with it or uncomfortable with it have expressed they they often do not feel they are given room from others to feel that way, and often feel that their objections or negative feelings are dismissed or presented as invalid. And comments just like saguy's, framed like his were, are the kinds of comments we often hear that about.

My comment was because saguy said it wasn't anything to worry about as far as he was concerned, but that's really not someone else's right to determine with something like this and that's a kind of sentiment often reported as feeling silencing to users like the OP saying what she was.

[ 08-19-2008, 03:11 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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jlsa
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Hie... I know that the question i'm about to post has already been answered but I sorta need that reassurance just for me!
I found porn on my boyfriends computer a bout 6 months ago and to be honest, I flipped out! I called him at work immediately and confronted him about it. For me, it wasnt so much about the feeling cheated thing the first time but more of a SHOCK! Maybe I just had a picture of him not being the 'typical' guy and thinks that porn is a guy thing..
We had a huge huge huge fight about it and at that time i told him exactly why I didnt like porn and never will. After hearing what he had to say, ' is what all guys do, it's a guys thing' I sorta convinced myself that maybe i am over reacting. That never stopped me from telling him that i do not want him doing that every again and he PROMISED!

Guess what? Today i come on his computer again and i found that he downloaded a few ... out of curiosity i searched the entire computer and found some recently played ones. This time, i felt the lies, i feel like i was being cheated one. If he didnt fulfill his promise the first time, can i trust him if i confront him again for the second time?

I believe that everything in a relationship should be transparent, atleast that is what i do anyways, Just what else is he hiding from me?

Also, is it a fantasy or an obsession?is it something he can never get that makes it ok? Will he move on from porn to the real thing? ( FYI, we have a healthy relationship and we live together)
How much is too much porn?

I want to be able to tell him that i do not want it in our relationship and not feel like i'm robbing him of his freedom? because clearly, i love him alot... and i hate the fact that he has to result to lies after the first tme he got caught and after me telling him how i felt about it?

Does this mean that there is a level of ' I dont care and she wont get hurt if she doesnt find out?' I think porn is fine for a single men, but when you're in a relationsip... i think the highest level of respect and understanding from both parties is important.. and i feel that HE DIDNT RESPECT ME AND MY FEELINGS.

I feel that porn portrays women as being the weaker ones and no self worth!! I know they do it for whatever reason... but i want my boyfriend to look at me with someone with stature and respected!! Not fantasizing about me whilst looking at other women!

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