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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » oh wow, so insecure

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Author Topic: oh wow, so insecure
Member # 37104

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So here is the back story on this...
I have been with my boyfriend for 11 months. I am 20, he is almost 22. We fell in love after 3, and have had some really amazing times. I think we have a nice balance between hanging out with friends, or outside on our own, with the physical side of the relationship.
Anyway, about a month ago I felt that he seemed distant, or not as in love with me. He said it less, he seemed to mean it less and he always claimed that everything was okay whenever I wanted to talk.
2 weeks ago, he left me saying that he was still in love with me but perhaps we have different personalities. It was the worst thing I have ever experienced, there were hysterics, almost throwing up etc. on my part and I was sobbing for the 16 hours it lasted. He called me the next day and said he had made a huge mistake and he was so sorry.
We talked about everything that bothers us about each other, we talked about how it happened because we didn't communicate enough and he said he let his stress from work build up and took it out on me.
We got back together the day after he left me, but I couldn't touch him at first, then after talking for a while i could hold his hand. I couldn't kiss him until last week. We are trying to get back into our relationship but fix everything that was wrong and he really seems to be making an effort. He tells me how much he loves me a lot, we are going on more dates again and spending time, and he said he really wants us to be together and thinks we have a future.
My problem is that, after all this, I am so ridiculously insecure it is unbelievable. I was in so much pain when he left me and I never want to hurt that way again. It was absolutely awful and now I am scared that if he did it once he can do it again. We have talked about it and he swears up and down it was a mistake and he wouldn't do that to me again, but I still get freaked out.
Example, today for the first time since we got back together, he sounded distant on the phone again, and almost said bye without saying I love you like he always does. This is what got me worrying the last time and I know where that led. I called him back because we are determined to communicate our feelings now, and he said he is sorry he didn't mean to worry me and that he was just upset about a friend and had to talk to them.
I am getting less insecure but i feel like i could be broken up with at any minute sometimes.
Any tips to get over this? I guess it will take time...

Posts: 40 | From: Canada | Registered: Feb 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jase Watson
Member # 39090

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Well, Id like you to know that with every relationship, there is that possibility. By all means, its a fabulous idea to discuss your feelings to one another, and thats what will secure the relationship, among other things. If you communicate, then you wont get upset at each other, and you can help each other with whats going on. Just hang in there, let him know you really care about him, and just keep talking things out and helping each other. Let each other know that your there always to help each other.

- Jase Watson

Posts: 58 | From: San Diego, CA | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 37104

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Yeah, I decided that I can't control everything in my life and will go nuts trying to, so I want to just be positive, believe him when he says he doesn't want to leave me, and hope for the best.
The only thing is, the day I decided that I had friends (incidentally his best friend and a friend of mine) who helped me through the first breakup being really skeptical about the whole thing. They keep bringing up that maybe we aren't right for each other, and maybe we need to reanalyze our relationship and see if this is what we want. They don't trust that he won't leave me again. While I understand them not wanting to see me hurt again, it sort of hurts that they don't have faith in our relationship. We have talked about it a lot and are going to work on it because we know we want to be with each other, but its hard not to et insecure with even the people who care about you a lot thinking its going to crash and burn.
Guess I just have to listen to myself and enjoy what I have without worrying that it will all disappear.

Posts: 40 | From: Canada | Registered: Feb 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 37952

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Well, about your friends, you hit it spot on: You weren't the only one hurt. They hurt when you hurt and their fear of seeing you hurt should make them a bit skeptical.

I would really suggest talking to them about it, let them know that it hurts you when they act like your relationship isn't going to work out. But, after you tell them how you feel, listen to what they have to say too. They have an "outside looking in" perspective which might be very insightful. They may see things that you don't, so it's important for you to listen.

But, you need to do what you think is right for you. No one can tell you what to do, but I still think you need to hear their opinions. Knowledge is power, and communicating with your friends is what will keep them around, because without friends, life can be lonely.

And don't worry about "what if's" because there is nothing you can do about it. I mean, as soon as you start letting "what if" run your life, it is an unhappy place to be. "What if I get hit by a train today?" "What if I get fired from my job" "What if he breaks up with me again?" It just isn't a healthy way to live emotionally.

So, live mostly in the Now. With a little past and future thrown in. And don't worry too much. [Smile]

Good luck!

There is an upside to everything, sometimes you just have to turn it upside down to find it.

:-) Vikki (-:

Posts: 153 | From: British Columbia | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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