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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Confused and Empty

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Author Topic: Confused and Empty
jahde
Neophyte
Member # 38313

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After 2 beak ups, 4 years and 9 months of ACTUALLY being together my bf and I have somehow managed to be together again. We decided to put our past behind us as we both hurt each other tremendously.

He's my best friend and I absolutely love spending time with him. Until till it comes to anything leading up to sex. During the act I'm all for it but then after I just feel empty and unfulfilled inside.I care about him a lot and he cares for me too, but I still cant shake the feeling.

Another thing I'm struggling with is how strong he is as a person. I'm a go getter and I set goals and accomplish them. He on the other hand relies on other people's input to go for what he wants. But he only listens to the ones who give negative feedback...sigh..he's so talented but he doesn't even try. I'm starting to feel like he's always leaning on me because I'm he stronger one the relationship but I don't know if I can lean on him but I really need that kind of strength. Is this something to with maturity because he's just 20 or could this be a deeply imbedded personality trait?

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Well, on the sexual front, what's your dynamic like when you're having sex together? In other words, do you feel addressed as a person? Feel like your sexual needs are sought out and met?

In terms of your second paragraph, I'm a little uncertain of what you mean. Might you be able to give a concrete example of how that plays out?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
jahde
Neophyte
Member # 38313

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Sexually I'm quite comfortable with him. He makes me feel safe and he always makes sure I'm comfortable etc. Overall he takes good care of me.

right now he wants to go to an school because besides always wanting to go into a career in art he absolutly hates what he's studying at school. He keeps saying that he needs a substantial scholarship because his parents can't afford it. So I encouraged him to prepare his portfolio and apply and see if any schools offer him a scholarship he and his parents can work with. But he decides no 1 will ever give him that kind of money so if he just goes back to doing something he hates. I mean he's extremely talented (I go to an art college myself, I know), but he just doesn't believe in himself and no matter how any people support him the one person who says no he gives up on his dreams without a fight.

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Heather
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I wasn't asking so much about comfort levels, but more about enjoyment levels. Are you enjoying the sex you are having while you're having it? Reaching orgasm or feeling satisfied throughout? Are your parts and desires addressed as much as his are? When you have sex, is it because you feel a strong, physical desire to do so? Feeling satisfied with sex is about a lot more than just safety and comfort. Those things are obviously important, but what they do is more about helping you avoid the big bads: you need more than that to get to the big goods.

That example sounds pretty self-sabotaging, and I can understand why you'd feel frustrated. It may be that he is scared to take positive risks. Some folks can get in a space where they self-sabotage because it can feel easier to say something wasn't possible than it is to take a risk and fail, if that makes sense. He may also just be a little lazy, too: sometimes (often, really) to get the things we want there is a lot of grunt work involved, things that aren't very interesting or fun, but it's what we have to do to get to the good stuff.

Obviously, it's up to you about how much of this you enable or try and compensate for, but you could certainly voice your feelings about this imbalance.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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jahde
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It is enjoyable most times. I usually make suggestions during to steer him in the right direction. He enjoys doing things to please me and I must say he isn't selfish in that respect.I never feel pressured to do anything I don't want to do. But I do find that even if we just experienced something amazing I still get that feeling of emptiness. I find I feel more fulfilled when he holds me and we just talk or say nothing at all.

I've told him how I felt about what he was doing with his life and it caused a lot of tension. He came back to me a couple days later and said he thought about what I told him and I was right. I encouraged him to do as much research as possible and solidify his plan about how was going to go about transferring schools, loans, grants, tuition misc expenses etc. before he told his parents. However, without all of this he decided to tell his mom anyway and as I predicted she didn't want to hear it. I believe if he had been prepared she would've been more eager but since he wasn't she just saw it as another one of his half baked ideas. So with that he has decided to continue on the path he's on. I just don't know if by choosing to stand by and watch this, I'm enabling his behaviour or being supportive.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, these are his choices, so ultimately you don't really have an option but to stand by while he makes them. You did what you could, but there comes a point where you have to let go and let a person make their choices. It doesn't sound to me like you're enabling, because you have made efforts to provide support for choices more in line with what he says his goals are.

Of course, that doesn't mean it's not still your call if the way he behaves in this regard feels like a good fit for you in terms of a partner.

In regard to the sex, is it possible that -- perhaps in part due to some of the other relationships conflicts -- you're just not feeling it right now sexually? That it might be best to take a little break from sex together while you sort things out in your head and your relationship? Is it possible that your relationship is becoming more of a platonic friendship than a romance or sexual relationship?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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jahde
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Member # 38313

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I've never really been with anyone sexually before him and I thought at the beginning that's why I was feeling the way I was. But now a couple months into it I still feel the same. The feeling didn't just pop up it always been there, conflict or no conflict.

I really don't know if we're falling into a friendly relationship. We've always been such good friends and we do from time just switch to the friend zone. But that's one of the things I appreciate about our relationship we don't have to be all over each other every time we're together.I do enjoy our time together and these feelings are more than just friendly feelings.

I guess it's up to me to decide whether or not I can stand by and watch while he goes down this path of self-destruction.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, it may be, given this is your first partner, that this really isn't a relationship where you have strong sexual feelings or chemistry. Sometimes it's hard to figure that out without some basis for comparison, and it's also pretty normal to think that's what you have, then experience the real deal and find out that it's different than you expected.

That may or may not be the case, but it's certainly a possibility. All the same, given how you're feeling, I think it'd be sage to consider stepping back from sex for a while while you sort your feelings out. If something leaves us feeling empty, it's usually best to step away from that thing when it's making us feel that way.

And yes: sticking around per the other stuff is up to you. I don't know that, based on what you have posted, I'd call this self-destruction so much as self-sabotage or just...well, settling for less than he says he wants, but all the same, if you're a real go-getter, than it may not be the best match for you to be with someone who is lax or who settles.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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jahde
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Member # 38313

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thank you. We did take a break and I know we have chemistry because we've been together before without sex and we did fine. I'm a very cautious person when it comes to sex because I have been in many failed relationships and I always feared I'd lose it to the wrong person.

I think I'm going to just take another break and really sort myself out. Thanks again.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Of course.

My point was, though, that if you haven't had sexual partners before, you may or may not be able to identify what strong sexual chemistry is. And that's usually something we identify best with the whole scope of sexual relationships.

Too, sometimes chemistry changes, and a lot of breakup/makeup can do that, as can nothing more then the plain old passing of time. I've had exes where years will go by, and good golly, we clearly still have that crazy zing, and others, where while it was so strong when we were together, when we saw each other even months later, seemed to be gone. It can be elusive, tricky stuff.

But it does sound like you need some time and space -- be that from sex or sex and this relationship -- to sort a lot of this out.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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