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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I'm so lost.

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Author Topic: I'm so lost.
Member # 39132

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To start off: I'm 19 and my girlfriend just turned 18 a few weeks ago. We've been together happily for 8 months now and early on I conveyed to her that I was ready to have sex and yes, I am a virgin. After some thought she replied that she would be ready by the time she was 18 which was now in early June. Yesterday, when we finally got around to do the deed and she complained that it hurt too much. We both agreed to try again later on when we could. But recently she just told me she doesn't want to do it anymore and that she just isn't ready mainly because shes scared of the pain. I've never pressured her to do anything EVER. And I dont want to. I know sex should be a mutual thing and all but to do it then back out indefinetly later on is killing me. I love her, but I dont know if I could wait another year... or more. Yet, I also don't think its worth it to throw away our relationship because of it. What should I do????
Posts: 2 | From: Weho CA | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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For starters, what did you both do to prepare for sex? Was there foreplay, and was she deeply aroused before you attempted intercourse? Likewise, (the biggie), did you use any water-based lubricant to go along with sex? Not only does it help reduce the chances of a condom breaking, (if that was your method of birth control) but it makes things feel a whole heck of a lot better and can make penetration a little easier, though clearly, arousal is extremely important there, too.

Additionally, if she did not completely want sex at that time-- was too nervous, felt like she was obligated, things of that nature-- then the experience was not likely to be pleasurable in any regard.

Ultimately, this is a matter of what activities and what pace she is comfortable with, so if she still is not interested in intercourse, she is not obligated to have sex with you. But if any of the aforementioned things were absent-- arousal, lubricant, etc.-- you may want ask her what she feels you both could do better to make sex feel good for her, if she is willing to try again.

Here's an article that may help you along:

Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats, and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

Scarleteen Volunteer

"A wise man should consider that health is the greatest of human blessings, and learn how by his own thought to derive benefit from his illnesses." -Hippocrates

Posts: 755 | From: United States | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 39132

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I did use lubricant and a condom. Foreplay was present, yet it did feel like she just wanted to rush through it and she was antsy and nervous. I just thought that was due to the fact that it was our first time and she would enjoy herself thereafter.

We did talk about sex prior to that day quite a bit and while I know she was more and more nervous as time closed at the same time she showed that she wanted to do it every time we had foreplay.

I will ask her what would make it more enjoyable to her, but I fear doing so would also seem like I'm pressuring her as she has her mind set that she's not going to do it anytime soon. Thanks for the article link--Maybe sex talk should be more open between us even though it is present.

Posts: 2 | From: Weho CA | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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