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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » he won't commit to me anymore.

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Author Topic: he won't commit to me anymore.
intensity-in-ten-cities.
Neophyte
Member # 36052

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me and my ex boyfriend were together for almost 3 months while we talked for 2 mths before that. however, i ended the relationship because i couldnt take constantly being the aggressor (i had to ask him out on dates, if he had a problem with me he wouldnt tell me i would have to ask him, etc. i basically broke up with him for no reason; we had no real problems honestly; just misunderstandings && i broke up with him off of PURE emotion). so i told him that i couldnt talk to him at all anymore because being friends would be so hard for me because i wanted more. i felt extremely bad after i did this; matter of fact, i even felt worst. so i told him that i did want to be friends and we picked back up as "friends". he told me that he was extremely mad at me after i did that and even erased my number out of his phone and i apologized to him. a couple of days later, i told him i regretted our breakup and that it hurt me so bad and i wanted to pick up where we left off and be with him. matter of fact, i poured my heart and soul out to him. he told me he really did care about me and that he thinks about me constantly but the things i told him i had a problem with, he said they really affected him and he is afraid to commit to me because he's afraid of losing me because he's lost ppl before (like his father who abandoned him). he said he didnt know about our relationship yet, but he told me i would always be his baby & i told him the same. i told him he was going to lose me by doing this because, while i'm going away to college, he's going to be staying here. i told him i wasn't going to wait for him, and that i was going to move on. however, things became a bit complicated.


now things are exactly how they were before, except we now don't have the title of boyfriend and girlfriend and this disturbs me greatly. we havent been broken up that long. almost 2 wks. i feel like he's stringing me along and i'm just waiting around for him like an idiot to ask me to be his girlfriend again. i don't know how to tell him this. i feel like i need to take a step away from him but i just can't imagine doing so because we're so close. we actually had sex for the first [i was a virgin b4] AFTER we broke up which was my fault and it complicated things (and possibly confused both of us because afterwards he wouldnt stop holding me, and kept asking me what was on my mind. i asked so does this make up friends who have sex? and he said 'idk, are we?' like he wanted me to say it first & i said idk.). that day actually it was like how we were when we were official. some of the things i had a problem with, he is improving on and its really confusing me. he never asked me out on a date; he does now. he never texted first; he texts now. he never called me without asking; he does now. he never tried to talk about our problems; he does now. he told me he's scared to do these things for some reason or another. he does stuff for me that he wouldnt do for another girl. i don't get it! ! ! !

i just don't want to give up entirely on him. he was my first EVERYTHING...and i care about him. this deeply hurts. basically we both have all the benefits of a relationship without the title and i dont want it to be like that. it would be fine and dandy if i didnt care about him, but since i do.... you get the picture. i think one of the main reasons why he's being this way is because he knows i'm about to be 2 hours away for school but if i'm with him, i'm really with him. i can't have half of him. it would just break my heart if i found out he was with someone else && i know he feels the same about me.


what should i do?


oh and lets not mention that we're seeing eachother more now! that was one of our main problems was that we never saw eachother and i guess that put a strain on things. &&& when we went out this wk, he answered his phone and im pretty sure he told the person he was talking to that he was with his "girlfriend" but he does refer to me as an ex too &&& i had his phone and happen to see a song (he writes songs a lot) that he wrote about us having sex. he also didnt like the way i treated him around my friends; i ignored him (i was shy because he was my first bf). and when he hung out with my friends again when we all went out; i actually showed affection towards him and we looked like a couple. i actually KISSED him & held hands in front of my friends and i never did that before.

[ 07-01-2008, 05:17 PM: Message edited by: intensity-in-ten-cities. ]

Posts: 13 | From: MD | Registered: Dec 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'd say that even knowing that things tend to accelerate quickly in young adult relationships, this seems very high-key to me for a relationship which has only been going on for a few months. It also seems like -- and hey, it happens sometimes -- this got very serious very fast. When that happens, it can be tougher to deal with conflicts because the drama can be dialed up so high.

Needing a few weeks or more after a breakup to decide to go back to a committed relationship is really not a lot of time. You're right: he may also be waiting on you to ask since you were the one who broke up with him: that wouldn't be so uncommon, and is also understandable. It also sounds to me like what he's been expressing to you is that he's just getting used to taking the first step: some people are shy or not very assertive, so it can take some folks more time than others to get comfortable with that.

I hear you saying YOU want to be committed again. Especially considering you were the last person to say that was NOT what you wanted, is there a reason that you won't be the one to suggest this? It does seem to me that the ball is in your court with that one, since he was the one left more vulnerable the last time with the breakup you initiated. Is there a reason you are not just asking him if that's something he wants, or if he's reluctant and why?

Also, is there a reason you can't give him some more time to settle back into this and see how he feels before even going there?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
intensity-in-ten-cities.
Neophyte
Member # 36052

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well yesterday i ended everything with him so yeah. . .


and i did ask him. i told him that we could work this out. and he said he didnt want to bring me into his world of "problems" and that in a perfect world we would be together. and i told him nothing was perfect and i was willing to work with him, but he didnt want to get back together.
i told him i made a mistake and i wished that things never turned out with us breaking up. i acted off of my emotions & i missed being his gf. but what really confused me was him flirting with other girls and stuff like that like he didnt even care about me to begin with.

so i told him last night that whatever we had is finished and he asked me did this mean i didnt want to talk to him anymore and i told him how i felt. how i was confused about everything and i didnt know what he wanted out of me or this and he told me that he was really hurt and he would talk to me later (i had deleted him on this social networking site). then i mentioned something he said to another girl that i found out about and he got mad, said something and i laughed. and thats how it ended. so i just have to move on. i dont think he was trying to take the next step with me. i think he wanted to have me, and have other girls too. thats how it seemed.

im sad that i hurt him but i cant keep putting myself through hell and confusion.

i can't turn back now.

[ 07-02-2008, 10:08 AM: Message edited by: intensity-in-ten-cities. ]

Posts: 13 | From: MD | Registered: Dec 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
intensity-in-ten-cities.
Neophyte
Member # 36052

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oh yeah and i was also reading something he wrote and he called himself a slut and that he wasnt trying anymore [with relationships].
Posts: 13 | From: MD | Registered: Dec 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I understand that you're feeling sad, but from the sounds of things, you two were basically already over, and the relationship pretty much toast before you even tried dating again.

So, give yourself time to mope, whatever you need, but I'd expect that in a little while, you'll probably be feeling better than you have been.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
intensity-in-ten-cities.
Neophyte
Member # 36052

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thanks. yeah i know that now.
i`m moving on.
i feel loads better. =]

Posts: 13 | From: MD | Registered: Dec 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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