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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » A marrried man, whos older

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Author Topic: A marrried man, whos older
youknowhowido
Neophyte
Member # 38199

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So I am dating this guy and he's great. But, there are a few problems. He's my boss, he's married, and he's 32 years older than me. The age isn't really the problem here... it's the other two.

I read another thread about age "does age matter" and it mentioned somethings that struck me. So I am answering the questions asked to give you an idea...

- It's all legal

- But we have to keep our relationship a secret from pretty much everyone... because of my mom, his wife, our co-workers etc.

- Things are completely equal in terms of pretty much everything.

- We have alot in common and alot not incommon but it's a good balance.

- I feel like he is an equal to me not an authority...(except when we are work)

- We both act our own ages and we are both completely ok with it. we joke about it and talk about it slot.

- No sexual pressure, everything is equal.

- The relationship is in the now, but there is some talk about the future.

- I in no way feel like he's doing me a favor by being with me.... or anything like that.

- I feel like my judgement is ok, but i'm not sure of what to think about his wife. I'm not delousional and I DON"T think that he will even leave his wife for me or anything like that, but idk.

- I can't tell alot of people about the relationship, so i feel kinda like i'm lying to my family and friends.

- Everything is reasonable.

I'm not really sure whay I want... I guess I just want some input, an outsiders view on the situation...

anything would be helpful

(i'm 18, he's 50)

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Posts: 8 | From: Michigan | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
cool87
Activist
Member # 29292

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I got to say, to be honest, a 32 years age gap definatly sound huge to me, even if you are both adults. But, sure there have been relationships like before which worked out fine so I guess that can work out for sure in some cases. I guess it all comes down in the end to how you both feel about it, about this relationship.

What might be worth considering here first is the effect the relationship might have on your work since this guy is your boss at work (for example, if this relationship doesn't work out, will you be able to keep your job ?) and vice-versa (the consequences of your partner being your boss at work might have in the relationship : could this lead to a power relationship of some sort even if that doesn't seem the case right now ?).

Too, this man is married so that's also something you are going to have to deal with.

This man too, given his age, is at a totally different point of his life that you are which might complicate a bit this relationship.

Also, you gotta ask yourself why this man wants to be with someone way younger than him. Is he really in love with you and wishes a relationship between you both or is he simply interested in getting something out of you like, for example, sex ?

Those are a few things to consider among others. I think you've already sorted out some other great other points above in your post. It might help to give you some time to think about it since you do not seem so sure that this relationship is a good idea. Another possibility though is you giving it a try and seeing how things go throughout the course of dating.

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Posts: 3598 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 568

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I think the guy IS taking advantage of you. He won't leave his wife, and he is your boss. Unethical doesn't even begin to describe him.

Let's look more clearly about what he's doing.

1. You'd be hard pressed to find any firm, company or organization that would be okay with a supervisor having a romantic relationship with an employee under his or her direction. When I got my job, I had to fill out a big ol' packet of papers telling me that consorting with my underlings would get me fired.

2. Whatever he says about his wife -- that she's cold, inattentive, bitchy or whatever -- is moot. He's still married to her and has no intentions of leaving. Just how far do you think you think you could take this relationship? And how do you think it would end? There's an imminent risk of it going really badly. You could both lose your jobs, you would wreck his marriage (and what effect would that have on the rest of his family -- does he have kids?), the impending divorce could be a real financial implosion, and a whole lot of people you know could likely lose their respect for you.

3. And you have to keep it a secret? You realize you have to be secretive because it's wrong, am I right?

[ 06-27-2008, 11:47 PM: Message edited by: Gumdrop Girl ]

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Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Star07
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Member # 39127

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I was in a situation a bit like this. I'm not going to tell you what to do but I'm going to tell you that it's going to be alot tougher than you think. Just...everything is harder. just be prepared. it'll never be everything you want it to be. He'll always seem to have the better end of the deal. it'll always leave you with the smaller half.
And at least for me the secret got too much and i needed to talk to someone. and if you do confide in a friend- even a close friend- you run the risk of them never really being able to look at you the same way.

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Independence_Day
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Member # 39211

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If he's married then he's off limits to you and every other female on this planet except his wife.

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Iím selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you canít handle me at my worst, then you sure as h*** donít deserve me at my best. --Marilyn Monroe

Posts: 13 | From: The Capitol of Creepatopia | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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