My best friend and I have known each other for about five years. He's a guy, I'm a girl. We met online but know each other in person now, see each other, and talk on the phone, though our relationship is mostly through IMing every day. Everything was innocent for years, until we started making more jokes about sexual things, and as one thing led to another, eventually we started viewing porn online together while talking through MSN. He would send me folders of pictures, wanting to find out what kind of cocks I like. We felt mildly guilty about all this, but justified it because we were turning each other on indirectly... Meanwhile, being the horny girl that I am, I had one hot week with another online friend where I would make myself cum and describe everything I was doing for him. That ended, and not long after, my best friend confessed that he wished I would do that for him. I refused, afraid that it would ruin our close relationship. He said he was afraid of that too, but still wanted to do it. Several weeks later, I was horny one night and started playing around, and telling him about it. I didn't regret it. Not long after, he enlisted in army and the realization that he would be gone for eight months made me freak out. I didn't realize how much I cared about him until then. In any case, the sexual side of things cranked straight up his last week and a half here, and we started playing together online, making each other cum every night until he left. He wanted to see me in person before he left and I said no because I didn't want things to go anywhere physically. But his last night I changed my mind, and we met and everything was chill, we kept it just friendly. After that he went into basic training so we had no contact for nine weeks; now that he's out, we talk on the phone every night. It's quite different on the phone than online (he has no internet access now), so we've been keeping it pretty clean, but I definitely think there's something there.
Now that he's gone I miss him terribly, as a friend and as someone who pleases me sexually. But I told him before he left that I loved him...as a friend. I do not understand my feelings for him at all. He's closer to me emotionally than anyone else, we tell each other everything, I only ever viewed him as a friend, but I also love making him horny and making him cum for me. Yet I have no desire to date him... What kind of relationship is this? He seems frustrated sometimes, but doesn't really say what he's feeling. Sometimes I think he's in love with me but won't tell me because I care very much for someone else and he knows it. We're so open about EVERYTHING but I can't bring myself to ask him if he loves me or wants more. Is this just a way to release sexual tension for us both? Neither of us plan on having sex before marriage. How can I find out what he wants? I told him I don't want to date him...but that I love him, and I love pleasing him sexually. Am I crazy? I want to talk about it but he lives in an army dorm now with two other guys so it's impossible to get that serious over the phone, because he's never alone.
I'm so confused with how I feel right now. I love someone else but it's a hopeless situation, the details of which I'll save for some other thread. Am I in love with my best friend and just in denial? I know these are questions I have to find answers to, but some outside observations would be extremely helpful, I feel so lost. There are a few friends I can go to for advice but that's it, because of all the sexual details of our relationship... We were both raised with strong morals so I can't go to my parents or anyone like that, in any detail. I don't regret anything we did, or said. And while I'm not really physically attracted to him, I would love to have sex with him. Again...am I crazy? I know I'm too horny for my own good but the emotional side of all this is what's really throwing me off.
Deepest apologies for the length of this, any help or observations would be extremely appreciated.
I don't think you're crazy at all. I think this is just a situation where you really can't have your cake and eat it too.
It would probably help to be realistic about things, here. We don't know the details of your other situation, but if you're describing it as "hopeless" than it probably isn't going to go anywhere, and it might be best to focus your energy one what you've got going.
Romantic relationships can come from friendships; it happens to plenty of people. There is nothing wrong with having this kind of relationship with your friend, so long as both sides agree that this is the way it will stay. And that doesn't seem like it's the case. Nobody can read minds, so the only way you're going to know how he's feeling is to straight out ask what's going through his mind. It's going to be a heck of a lot easier than playing guessing games. There really isn't any way of getting around asking the hard questions in this situation.
You also have to define, for yourself, what YOU want here. Are you only in it for the friendship, and the sexual gratification is a bonus? Are you open to the possibility of something more coming from this? Asking yourself these questions will make it easier to ask HIM them, b/c you will know what you want.
It's hard, but don't get frustrated. Best of luck.
I'm attempting to leave my feelings for this other guy out of it completely. I just want to figure out how I really feel about my best friend, and how he feels, and where we want this to go or not go. He's very respectful when I say no to things, I know he would never push me into anything, he just laments my decisions sometimes. He wants to see me naked, that's his big thing. But even he admits he knows that will never happen, given my moral state. And he's fine with that. He just has no problem telling me what he wants, even if he knows I'll refuse him.
If I can get him alone on the phone, I may figure out a way to ask him about all this. We get serious over a lot of issues but with sexuality and dating it's always been joking, dirty comments, nothing serious... Until it got hot and then it was all sexual but no talk of relationship. I just can't shake this feeling a lot of times that he wants more. We've been there for each other through so much though, he's been obsessed with other girls and tells me all about it, and I tell him all about the guy I love. I asked him if he was jealous of that guy, and he said he didn't think so...because that guy wasn't getting anything he wasn't getting. Basically, if I sent pictures of myself to this other guy, I think my best friend would be jealous. But we've never even remotely touched on the issue of US dating... Until I told him I loved him, I didn't want him to take it the wrong way and I actually said, "I don't want to date you, but..."
I think I never had trouble separating sex from relationship...until he left, and now my mind won't stop swimming with all these questions. It was all in nice separate compartments before, we could talk as friends, then make each other cum, and then start over again. There weren't any questions or confusion, on my side. I just hope it's the same for him because I don't want to drag his heart through the mud. When we were out the night before he left for the army, he made this comment about he didn't think an army girl was for him. Things like that just give me this weird twinge that maybe he's not telling me something. *sigh* I need to ask him. I just know he won't say anything if his roommates are around. Also I'm afraid that if I ask...he'll take it as me wanting more. I'm not sure what I want but I don't think it's that. What disturbs me is how much I want to know how he feels... If I don't want more, why do I feel such a desperate need for clarification from him? It's so frustrating, our relationship was simple until that last week and a half.
I am in this for friendship...I mean that's what we've been for five years. I love the guy like crazy. The sexual stuff is like a bonus, it's just so recent. And it's not the first time I've done stuff of that sort so it isn't like I'm attaching emotional things to it. It's not his first time in a situation like this either...however, the last time he did this sort of thing with a friend, it DID ruin their relationship and they can't stand each other now. They didn't talk for like a year, and he told me if I did that, he couldn't handle it. All that is why we were so careful about starting any of that stuff. But we ended up doing it anyway and as far as I know, we're both fine with how things turned out. It's just difficult to gauge things now because we can't really talk about it on the phone.
Anyway I'm going to stop rambling, thanks so much for the reply! I'm going to keep thinking about all these things, and possibly get a chance to bring them up with him.
Okay so as we talk more and more on the phone, we've been getting more comfortable, and more open, and more horny... He's finally gotten some time alone without his roommates being there, and pretty much every time that happens, the conversation turns sexual. One night I was really horny and his roommate randomly said to tell me he was touching himself... To which I replied, "Don't tell your roommate, but I am too..." That started it, the next time he was alone, he started touching himself. It's all very careful though, it hasn't been like phone sex or anything, just kind of like a, "Mm, guess what I'm doing" type thing. We've not done it at the same time though, it just hasn't worked out that way. He says we're just prolonging the inevitable...
All of this makes me feel very conflicted. On one hand, I want it. It's a lot of what I think about. But on the other hand, I question my readiness for something like phone sex, and whether or not I'm comfortable doing it with him. What's been disturbing me greatly the past few months is that it seems like sex is all we ever talk about anymore. We used to never stop talking... But lately it's like if we're not alone, we have nothing to say, because we can't talk about sex. I can't even express how much I hate this. I love talking about sex, I just feel like our relationship is slipping away.
In the meantime, I feel like I'm obsessing over him, which seems strange given how frustrated I am right now with our situation. But I'm thinking about him more and more every day, and I can't wait to talk to him. But then when I do...we have nothing to say. It's infuriating.
Finally this morning, I decided screw it, and I tried asking him some serious questions...
I asked him something I've asked before...what he wanted from the relationship, if he could have anything. Before, his answer was oral sex. Today, he wouldn't answer me. He asked if I knew what I wanted and I said I didn't. Then he said he was glad it wasn't like the last time he had a relationship like this. I asked him what he meant and he said because he saw it as a fling, and she didn't. I assume he meant that he and I both see this as a fling-type deal? I think this was his way of feeling me out. So we talked about how when we first started, it wasn't emotional. But I said I was confused now. He asked if that meant I felt it was emotional and I said I wasn't sure...that I'm just confused by it all. That I miss him a lot more than I thought I would. Anyway it kind of went around in circles like this. Basically he just kept saying that he wasn't sure what he wanted. I'm not sure if that's the honest truth, or if he was hoping I would speak out first, or what. I'm glad we had the talk, it was good for our relationship in any case, to be able to ask those questions, but I feel like it was pointless because I didn't find out anything. *sigh* I don't know what to do. I'm not sure if I should take this as him pushing me away, or not wanting to say how he really feels...
We both agreed that it was hugely frustrating how we can't hardly talk about anything but sex anymore. We both miss how things used to be. He says now we see the error of our ways in saying that it didn't matter if we were friends turning each other on...
He has made it clear that I still do turn him on, I mean obviously we've been close to having phone sex, and he bugs me every day about getting texting on my phone so we can play like we used to, online. But he also said he, too, wasn't sure if he wanted to have phone sex, because it was like, after that...then what?
I pretty much feel horrible right now, I feel like our relationship is based solely on sex these days. All I ever really talk about is work, which he doesn't honestly care much about...and he doesn't really feel like telling me about the army either, because he's living that every day. We really have NOTHING in common, I honestly don't know how we ever got to being friends, but I think now that we're talking on the phone every day, it's becoming much more obvious just how different we really are.
Even given all that though, we've got so much going for us. We've known each other for so long, I'm completely comfortable telling him anything... He's a bit more guarded but he's extremely open with me as well. I love him, even if we have nothing in common. But I feel like our relationship is crumbling and I don't know how to stop it. I don't want to have phone sex now because I think it would kill everything. All I want now is for us to be able to talk again...and to know what he's really feeling. I feel so helpless.
There's this really great line in the movie "Two for the Road" (with Audrey Hepburn and Albert Finney) where Hepburn and Finney are two young lovers eating in the restaurant of a hotel and see an older couple sitting together not talking to each other. Finney says, "What kind of people sit across from each other with nothing to say?" And Hepburn responds, quite cheerfully, "Married people." Later on, after the two have been married for some years and Hepburn has a French lover, she sits with the lover in a restaurant and he asks her the same thing, and she responds the same way and realizes that she wants to save her marriage. Anyways, the whole point of that is after you've been with someone for a while, you don't have as many things to say to one another because you know each other better. You can choose to look at that in a bad way or a good way. It doesn't necessarily mean you have nothing in common, either.
One thing which might help is to not talk to each other every day, or to even alternate communication between phone calls and emails or letters. You don't have to talk to one another every day, especially if you find there's nothing to talk about. You may also choose to only talk to each other when you do have something to talk about. Another option is doing the whole "When Harry Met Sally" thing and watch a movie together while talking on the phone, or your favorite tv show.
If you really want to know how he feels, then you're going to have to come out and ask him. The guessing game tends to produce more confusion rather than answers, and you run the risk of miscommunication. Also, you may want to take a look at this answer Heather gave someone asking about phone sex.
-------------------- Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007
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