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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Please help, abusive friendship affecting my relationship with my bf :/

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Author Topic: Please help, abusive friendship affecting my relationship with my bf :/
Member # 38942

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Hey, I know I've only just posted another topic asking for sex-related advice, so I'm sorry for the topic spam ^^;; But really I.. don't know what to do. [Frown]

First of all I should point out that my relationship w/ my bf is fine, I have absolutely no complaints about that. Apparently your relationships stem from your relationships with your parents or something. My parents are still happily married and I grew up in a secure, loving environment so I was off to a good start anyway.

But in my mum's close personal friendships, she put up with a lot of emotional abuse in the past, allowed people to walk over her, to treat her like crap but she always forgave them because she thought she needed them. And I had one friend like that a few years back who damaged me a lot emotionally, and I thought I'd learned from it. But this other friend.. I think it's not too dissimilar a situation. :/

My friend... I've known him for 2, 3 years? And we've often argued in that time. And I mean, I don't normally argue with people, I hate conflict but I swear he gets a kick out of it. But anyway. He's often really, really horrible. He says things to me that I wouldn't dream of saying even to someone I hated. So why would he say them to me, when he's supposed to care for me?

I feel i should also add, that he liked me initially (in that way) but i have never been attracted to him. At all. He liked me for a while and was borderline obsessive but he's been with his current gf for quite a long time now and insists that he has no feelings for me anymore. You can make your own judgements on that. Anyway, onward~ -.-

I've been with my boyfriend for several months and.. he's my first, and I've never been happier. He's an angel, I swear, he's everything I've ever wanted and more and just. ♥ I waited almost 20 years to meet someone special and he's. Worth the wait. (: Anyway, enough soppy stuff XDD

My friend and him don't really get on (although they used to..? s: weird) and they wind each other up quite a lot, argue etc.

My bf's friends tell him 'you two sound perfect together. But you know, he (my friend) is so going to be the downfall of your relationship'. So now he has a pretty big hang up about it and I don't blame him.

He gets frustrated because even when my friend is a complete jerk to me, I still defend him, and accept his apologies all the time. And my bf can't stand to watch him treat me like that and get away with it. ): But I feel like i'm somehow responsible for his rages. And I know he has a lot of problems and issues and.. horrible as he is to me, I think he'd be lost without me. He needs me to be there for him :/

My bf's best mate is a bit of a jerk, and got my friend's number of my bf's phone and he called him yesterday, and ..told him that we'd had sex =_= (he didn't actually believe him at the time, but he started an argument with my bf anyway)

I had an argument with my friend and we fell out.

And he proceeded to go to my bf and play on his paranoia, basically telling him that if our friendship ended, I'd eventually come to resent my bf for it and blame him, and that he'd lose me anyway that way. And was just. Really cruel to him.

So eventually after all his little mind games, my bf actually begged my friend to make up with me, agreed to delete him of myspace and facebook and to never talk to him again, if he'd just make up with me, because he was really afraid that he'd lose me and just.

My friend made no secret of the fact that he loved having that power over him, loved how upset he got.

I couldn't believe he could be that twisted, and I can't bring myself to forgive him.

But I don't know what he's going to do, now that I'm trying to sever all contact. I've written a pretty harsh email which can leave him in no doubt that I don't want him to be in my life at all any more. But. I don't know. I haven't sent it yet, I kinda want to talk to my bf again before I do.

Even if I do, I also worry that the things he said, will continue to trouble my bf, and I don't want him to be constantly worrying that I'm going to turn on him and blame him for that friendship ending.

It ended because he was a jerk, not because of anything my bf did, but I worry he'll think I'm just saying that to make him feel better. He wants me to stay friends with him but surely that can't be the best option?

Argh. Please help me. Thankyou [Frown]

Posts: 44 | From: Uk | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I think you're being very smart and ending this "friendship." I put in in quotes because this person doesn't sound like any kind of friend to you. I also agree that you don't want to have any contact with someone like this again.

I'm sure he'll do fine without you, but even if not, if he needs someone to be a whipping girl to be fine, that's not really fine, and that's also not healthy for you. There comes a point where you have to just accept that even if someone isn't fine without you around, the way they treat you is so toxic or abusive that being there for them just isn't an option.

You know what's good for you and what isn't, and an abusive friend isn't good for anyone. If your boyfriend doesn't understand that, then you may just need to make clear that this HAS been abusive and you KNOW it is not emotionally safe or healthy for you. And really, who you are friends with is your deal, not your boyfriend's, anyway.

You can talk to your boyfriend and reassure him that what this guy said has nothing to do with you, or any way you'd ever behave with your boyfriend. After that, it's up to your boyfriend to know and accept that. Since you don't behave that way, it should be pretty easy for him to do in a little time.

It also sounds like you two may need to have a chat about what HIS best friend did, too.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 38942

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Thanks so much for your reply, it gave me the push I needed to sever ties, and I talked to my bf about it- I showed him your response as well, and he agreed that staying friends with that guy would only cause more harm and not good, so he's behind my decision now. [Smile] Have had words about what his friend did as well, and he's apologized for that, acknowledged that it was really insensitive and has promised not to do anything like that again. Thanks again~ Thanks so much for the website, and for a forum where you can ask literally anything, and it's guaranteed someone will help you out. It's an amazing thing you're doing here and you help so many people. Keep it up! <3 xx
Posts: 44 | From: Uk | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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