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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Am I being inconsiderate?

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Author Topic: Am I being inconsiderate?
polkadots3
Neophyte
Member # 38921

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My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 5 years. He lost his virginity to me and has never had sex with anyone else. I have had sex with someone else and I go to college. My boyfriend who works, rather than going to school, told me I can mess around with people at school and have some fun but I don't want to.

SO HERE'S MY PROBLEM:
The other day my boyfriend asked if he could hook up with one of my friends from college. He said it is just to experience something new. But it makes me nervous and I don't want to lose him. I don't know if it is really just to get the experience but regardless I know things won't be the same after.

Am I being inconsiderate and ruining things in the long run if I don't let him try this? Or will it ruin things forever? WHAT DO I DO?!?

Posts: 1 | From: US | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'm going to say something blunt.

Realistically, you two will probably not be together your whole lives. In other words, the big, whole lifetime long run probably won't happen. It very rarely does with very young or first relationships. Not saying it can't happen, every now and then it does, but that that would be unusual.

In other words, if this is something you just can't handle, I'd be more concerned with only agreeing to what you can handle now than realizing that you'll cheat him out of experiences he will probably have later in life. Agreeing to things you don't want and can't deal with isn't a way to nurture a healthy relationship. Plus, his getting involved with a friend of yours, is a different scenario than with someone you don't know, and tends to involve some delicate group negotiation and communication.

Of course, I'd also say it seems like it might be time for a talk, too. In telling you he was open to you seeing other people at school even though it's not what you want or wanted, he may actually have been trying to negotiate that for himself passively. (That is something people tend to do with some frequency.) So, it may be that you two need to talk about if he still wants to stay in this relationship, period, or if he's feeling like he's at a point that it might be time to revisit where you both are at in your lives and what your goals are with this relationship or others.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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