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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Should I feel the way I do?

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Author Topic: Should I feel the way I do?
Member # 38919

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Bluntly... My girlfriend cheated on me. I'm saying it quickly just in case the topic is too common or not acceptable here or whatever...

But... This is just a different situation for me. I've been cheated on once before a long time ago by a different girl... That girl didn't want to stay with me though. She just cheated on me to dump me basically. The girl I'm with now... She messed up. Over the past month she was just getting really close to this guy at school and all month she'd been telling me, "Okay... I have a crush on the guy... But I don't love him. I love you." and it kept going like that for awhile... She came to me last night though, freaking out, bawling and she told me that two weeks ago, she made out with that guy in his car. She went on to tell me that she would've had sex with him had they not been in the car.

She cried and she freaked and she told me she felt like a slut and she regretted it so much because she still loves me and she wants to be with me she says... And I believe her... I don't know how, but I just do... I still trust her. I trust that she won't do it again because this entire month I've been telling her, "This guy just wants to **** you... He's manipulating both of us for that." and she sort of shrugged it off... Then she told me last night that she hated what she'd done and that she should have just listened to me and to everybody that told her this guy was wrong from the start. I just feel like if she didn't mean what she was saying... if she didn't love me and if she didn't really regret what she'd done... She wouldn't be getting worked up like this... She wouldn't be begging for me to forgive her and begging that things can go back to normal between us. I just don't see what she'd have to gain in that.

It's not that I've been taking this lightly either... I told her upstraight that I was unbelievably mad at her and disappointed in her... I told her I didn't want to talk to her for a few days and I told her I'd lost respect in her and she was just as bad as the guy with this whole situation, but I don't want to leave her... she doesn't want to leave me... We're both still in love... Just... I don't know if I should handle the situation that way. I shouldn't just let it go, should I? She's always had a habit of not listening to other people... just doing whatever she wanted to do... and this time I ended up right by a long shot and she's sworn to me that she's never going to take anything I say lightly again... She just wants things to go back to normal between us... and I want that too, but after this... can I really trust what she's saying? Can anybody tell me of her character right now and tell me what to decide? I want to be with her... I love her... This whole thing just hurt so badly though and while I feel like it should hurt her more than me... I want things to be able to go back to normal.

Does it seem like I can trust her? Am I treating this the right way for that?

Posts: 2 | From: nowhere | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 35336

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Really, there is no right and wrong choice in this situation, and nobody can really tell you what to choose.

And it is perfectly normal to feel hurt.

If you decide you want to stay with her, you can simply tell her that you are having a hard time trusting her, and that things may not go back to normal right away, and you're going to need time to gain back trust.

If you decide you should break-up, well you break up.

Really, nobody here can give you a definite answer as to whether or not she is trustworthy- we don't know her personally, and even if we did, we can't read minds.

If you wanna post here to talk it out that's fine too, and I'm sure plenty of people have advice as to how to approach this, but ultimately the decision is up to you.

And it's okay to mull things over for a little, and it's okay to feel unsure about it all. But again, only you can make your final decision. And honestly, the best thing is to talk to her about how you feel, and make her understand that you are hurting (it sounds like you may have done that) and express your issues of trust to her, and then go from there.

Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 38919

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My biggest issue presently is that I know what I want to say to her and I know how to say it... I've been saying it. I want to be hard on her right now... I want to make sure she understands fully how she did make me feel. At the same time though, I do want things to go back to normal. And it's just so much harder to say all these things when she insists on calling herself a slut and... well, frankly, punishing herself worse than anybody else could.

I'll be honest... She's a manipulative girl. She's a habit of playing the pity card. She's making it very clear that she's sorry.. but she's trying to brush the situation aside as quickly as possible as well, I think. Which seems like an unfair move to me.

I think I'm going to start talking in circles though... Her and I have been together for 14 months now and neither of us want to see the relationship end. We both still love each other so much. I've still got the mentality... Where even though I've lost a ton of respect for her over this situation... I'd have that mindset where I'd want to club anybody in the face that ever spoke lowly of her for what she's done. It was a massive mistake... We've been apart a lot with school coming to an end, we've been busy with work and just unable to see a lot of each other. This guy drove her home very often and they saw each other a lot.

I digress though... Thanks for the reply. If there's any other input as well, thanks in advance. This place has helped me a lot before (I forgot my password AND email to my other account...)

Posts: 2 | From: nowhere | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 35831

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I've just been in the same situation but from the other end. I am the girl and I cheated on my boyfriend with a guy from school. Just we did have sex. From what you've written here it sounds like no one can judge her as bad as she's judged herself.

My only advice (if you really wanna stay together) is to talk about it and see how you feel about it. Can you regain your trust in her? What are the chances she would do something similar again? Can she forgive herself?

If she can't forgive herself she might feel really guilty and do things she thinks you want her too just to make you happy. Which would result in her being unhappy and would in the end ruin the relationship.

I hope this helped anything... I just feel like I'm rambling.

Posts: 122 | From: Europe | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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