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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » How/if to bring it up (overdue conversation)

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Author Topic: How/if to bring it up (overdue conversation)
EverTheWild
Neophyte
Member # 20932

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Oh man you guys I just got myself into a big mess. It somehow literally just occurred to me.

I like to think of myself as a sexually responsible person. I am very picky on partners. I get annual papsmears. I get BIANNUAL STD testing, I use condoms in addition to any chemical birth control I may or may not be on at the time.

I've been sexually active with this guy for nearly three months.

When we started being sexually active we both announced our infection free status and I was sure to mention who I had been sexually involved with since my last complete screen. We also had some emotional negotiation to do to ensure we were both able to have sex on our own terms. That was the hard one (stayed up till 6am for it!) but we figured it out.

Only now I'm having regrets - we talked about our infection-free status and our testing history, but we (or at least I) didn't 100% hash out my sexual history.

And that sexual history involves contact with a HSV-II positive individual. She didn't have an active infection at the time, she was taking Valtrex, we were very very careful, AND I've been testing TWICE for it since then, once as soon as it was possible (16 weeks) and once six months later at my annual gyn visit.

Reasons why I didn't mention this (I feel like "I forgot" but I know that isn't true)
- I'm confident in my test results
- I was scared he wouldn't like me anymore after he heard WHO I was involved with and HOW I was manipulated into sex
- ... I was manipulated into sex! It was an absolute nightmare and most of the time, I have it completely repressed. I hate thinking about it, I DON'T talk about it, and it upsets me.

None of these are good reasons to have lied by omission and now I don't know how to start the conversation! "So I don't have herpes but I've biblically known someone who did"?!

I do not want to freak him out because, biomedically speaking, there's no risk here. I don't have it AND we use condoms. But socially speaking, there is a risk. I don't THINK he will freak out, and I'm confident he'll understand, but I don't know how (or even IF) I should bring it up.

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"only love freely given should keep me for her, not the constriction of a marriage tie" -Abelard and Heloise

Posts: 36 | From: St. Louis, MO, USA | Registered: Nov 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You know, I think that you bring it to the table at all -- rather than having your current partner find out some other way without your purposefully volunteering it -- is the biggest help here.

I'd suggest apologizing for being dishonest, but at the same time, no one is required to share every detail of their sexual history when it comes to safer sex, nor does that always even make a difference. If you both have been tested, both have been using barriers, both know you have had other sexual partners, then you both have been doing what you need to protect yourselves AND you both have to know if either of you have had partners before that there will always be some level of risk.

As well, it often takes partners a while to disclose all of their sexual -- or sexual assault -- history to each other. He may well have partners you don't know about yet, either. Three months is still a very new relationship.

So, if you feel ready to talk about this, then you can open the conversation by just letting him know there's part of your sexual history you weren't ready to talk about with him before but you're ready now. You can also make clear it doesn't change your STI status: it is what you said it was.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
EverTheWild
Neophyte
Member # 20932

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That is true. I've been thinking about it a lot since I posted (surprise) and I realize that, although it doesn't entirely constitute sexual assault, I classed it under "Trauma and Secrets" (which we both know we were not ready to tell each other when we started our relationship - maybe secrets should come before sex? We didn't feel that way at the time) rather than under "Sexual History." While it needs to be cross-listed, at the moment I know I can bring it by telling him that I should have told him before, but it's a hard thing for me to talk about that does fall into that category of traumatic secrets I'm not ready to share, and yes, it doesn't change my STI status.

Now I just need to decide if it would be better to tell it as soon as I realized I should have (now) or wait until I see him in person again (two weeks-one month)

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"only love freely given should keep me for her, not the constriction of a marriage tie" -Abelard and Heloise

Posts: 36 | From: St. Louis, MO, USA | Registered: Nov 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'd say that given it sounds like it's been tough for you, and it may be tough for him in some way (including that if he cares for you, he may even be more upset by you being hurt by someone than the STI issues), it might be best to talk about it when you both can get a hug.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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