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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Telling Mom about my engagement!

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Author Topic: Telling Mom about my engagement!
Leabug
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So, my partner and I have been dating for well over 5 years now, and we've been through quite a bit together. We're both almost 23 now, and have decided it's time for us to make things official and get married. We went ring shopping yesterday and he bought a beautiful ring for me- it's gone to get sized, and he'll be proposing to me as soon as it's back and as soon as I get my driver's license (I don't have it, and this city basically requires that you drive, so I think that's a fair thing to ask, since he's tired of driving me around).

I'm really excited, and most people are happy for us- except for my mom. She likes him enough, and she knows we're going to get married someday, but she said just a month or two ago that she'd "sh*t a brick" if I got engaged right now. She's convinced I'm too young and inexperienced in the world (I'm a university student nearly done my degree, but I live at home because our city is expensive).

So... anyone have any suggestions on how to tell my mom about this? (My dad passed away when I was really little, so at least I don't have to worry about telling him!)

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Lea

Posts: 2332 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
cool87
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Well, I'd simply suggest choosing an appropriate time and being honest with her and just sharing with her the reasons why you want and are ready to get married now. Too, it might be a good idea to discuss the worries she might express, if she does happen to have some.

Maybe, she now changed her mind and doesn't think the same as two months ago about you getting married.

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September
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Ohmygosh! Congrats, Lea! That's so exciting. I'm happy for you! (Especially because I remember your boyfriend having a tough time coming to terms with your diagnosis, and it's so good to see that he's come around and is supportive now!)

While it can get really hard to see a mother's pov on issues like that, it might not hurt to try and see where she's coming from here. Her concern seems to be that you don't have a lot of experience being independent and on your own, and I do think she has a point there. I think it's extremely important to learn to take care of yourself and be responsible for yourself. And on top of that, it just feels really good to be able to look back and say "I did that all by myself!"

Is there any way you can have a bit of a longer engagement and experience yourself in the meantime? You might want to look into getting a job if you don't have one already, and see if it wouldn't be possible for you to live on your own (on campus housing? sharing an apartment with friends to split the rent?).

I thought that I was pretty savy and independent before I moved out of my parents' house at 20, and boy, have I changed and grown since then. And I really couldn't imagine having gone straight from my parents to a husband.

And I'm sure that, if you had a plan like that, telling your mother would go over much more smoothly.

Good luck!

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Leabug
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Thanks for the advice guys [Smile] I do agree that I could use a bit of time to be independant before getting married, even if it's just a few months or something. We don't plan on being engaged for more than a year, but our priest does have a say in when we get married, since in our beliefs, marriage is a holy sacrament and the priest is in charge of delivering sacraments to the parish, if that makes sense to you guys. My major concern is that he's going to insist we get married really fast, but I'm hoping he'll at lesat let us wait until December- that would give me at least a semester on my own.

That, of course, is a sticking point with my mom too- she's atheist (or maybe agnostic, i'm not really sure to be honest), and despite all my attempts to explain it to her, she really diasgrees with the priest having any say in this sort of stuff. Our faith is really important to me and my partner, and we really love and trust our priest, so for us it's not a big deal, it's like an extra parent- but for her it's like someone's intruding and being pushy in her kid's life.

Do any of you think it'd be really wussy to get my partner to ask her permission to marry me first, before he actually proposes? At least then she'll have warning (and I know she won't say no, because she knows she'd crush me if she did).

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Lea

Posts: 2332 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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Being an Atheist myself, I also tend to have a hard time understanding the technicalities of church weddings, but religion is one of those things where it should be up to the individual to figure out what works for them. It might help if you tried to explain to your mother why exactly this is so important to you, and why you don't see the priest's actions as intrusive, but ultimately you might have to agree to disagree there. You're a legal adult and this is your wedding, and thus your decision.

Have you considered telling your mother together with your partner? She might be more receptive to the idea if he's sitting right there, and if you appear as a united front and put forth your plan together, it might make her see that you are serious about this.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9181 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Jill
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Congratulations!

I'd like to second Joey's idea of telling your mom together. Having him ask permission puts the responsibility of making your mom okay with this entirely on him and that's not fair to either one of them.

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Leabug
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That's a very good idea, to talk to her together- we're thinking that's what we may do, once we're actually engaged too, in the hopes that she won't try to talk me out of it or something.

Luckily my mom doesn't ever really object too much to my religion (I never try to push it on her or anyone else, I keep it to myself with regards to my family especially), it's just the priest's involvement in parish life that really freaks her out I think. She's a very independant woman- a single mom, never remarried, works a high-paying executive job, etc- and really resents men having an input in her personal decisions, and I think this is why she doesn't like the priest helping us decide when we'd get married. But like you said Joey, I think she'll just have to suck it up! [Razz]

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Lea

Posts: 2332 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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