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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Suggesting a drastic change from serial monogamy. Help?

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Author Topic: Suggesting a drastic change from serial monogamy. Help?
The Plaid Minidress
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This sort of pertains to another topic that I posted here earlier, but the situation has progressed, so I thought that making a new topic was best.

I have a girlfriend. I love her very much.
I am also very interested in someone else. I talk to him a lot, and I enjoy it, but at the same time I feel very, very guilty. He's also attracted to me. I don't want to have to stop talking to him. I considered that option, and I find it very distasteful.

I want to ask my girlfriend if we can have an open relationship/if I can be in a polyamorous relationship with both of them.

My issues are, how would I bring this up? I care very much about her and don't want to hurt her. I understand that she may get hurt by this, so what is the route that is the least likely to hurt her?

If she agrees to it, how do I bring it up with the boy?
If she doesn't agree to it, what should I do? My feelings for him won't go away, but I'm not going to stop talking to him. What else can I suggest?

Posts: 5 | From: Ontario | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orca
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Hey Plaid, sorry this got overlooked.

You can talk to your girlfriend about having a more open relationship, but it would be important to also tell her that you have strong feelings for this guy. In open relationships there is always the risk of one of the partners falling for someone else, but in this case you already know that has happened and she doesn't, which isn't entirely fair for her.

If she doesn't agree to it, then you have to respect her wishes in that and decide from there what to do. You could either stop seeing her and start seeing him, or stay in the relationship with her and stop talking to him, but you can't have it both ways if she isn't okay with it. If one partner wants monogamy and believes that is what they are getting, then it isn't fair to go behind their backs and see another person. Granted, it might not be necessary that you stop talking to him altogether, but if you find that you can't control your attraction to him then it might be better to limit/end contact with him in order to be fair to your girlfriend.

If she does agree, then you can bring it up with him and explain that you do have strong feelings for your girlfriend but would also like to see him as you have developed feelings for him, too, and also tell him that your girlfriend is okay with it. You might even want to have the two of them meet and get to know each other a bit since they will be sharing a partner. You should be prepared that even though your girlfriend might be okay with it, he might not be okay with it. You also have to be prepared that either one of them could also develop feelings for another person.

Whatever you decide to do, though, I think it's important that you decide something and stick with it, and not string both people along without the other knowing or agreeing to it.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orca
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 33665

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Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models

That article might also be helpful in thinking about all of this.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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