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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » really long vent on freind.. i would like advice or just sympathic thoughts please...

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Author Topic: really long vent on freind.. i would like advice or just sympathic thoughts please...
Madame Loki
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Ok, this is my first time posting so please bear with me ^_^;

Please understand, I am going to try to give the full story before my problem in an effort that it will give you an idea of what is going on.

I am 19 and I have two best friends. Ally and Samantha. Their twin sisters and they will be turning 20 next month.
We have all been friends for about 8 or 9 years now.
At some point in time or before we met, Sam was molested. she kept it from all of us for years and became terribly depressed. when we were around 14-15 years old when people would ask her what was going on she wouldn’t say anything and I think after a while her parents and everyone else just sort of linked it with "teenage depression", "raging hormones" or whatever.
As I got older I began to have my suspicions until one night, although she did not come right out and say it, she hinted it that she was molested.
So, time passes and about two years ago, she finally told Ally. I was very pleased. Ally was upset to say the least but I helped her through it and all together, we supported each other and slowly Sam got out of her depression and was happy again. Ally and I promised not to tell anyone anything at the request of Sam.
When Ally and I would talk about it amogest ourselves(because Sam would not say who touched her), we thought we figured out who had done it (because he was the only person around that time that Sam had the most contact with).

For a while, everything was fine; if Sam did talk about it she would say that she was over it and that if she ever met him face to face again then it would not bother her. Ally and I cheered her on happily.

Then last year two days before Halloween Ally and I were going shopping at our mall for Halloween when the person who we think did it all those years ago came up behind us and started calling "Sam! Sam!" (Since Ally and Sam looked alike) we were shocked that he was right there! We haven’t seen the guy in years and he just suddenly appears out of the blue at the mall callings Sam’s name… so Ally and I just exchanged hellos then we kind of hid in one of the stores and paniced.… we were so afraid that him and Sam would walk into each other sometime in the future and she would become depressed again! We were terrified for her!

In our panic, we made a stupid mistake… We decided that to make sure he should NEVER go near Sam again or even talk to her EVER that we should go up to him and tell him that we know what he did to her and that if he goes near her again we'll call the police. it just angered him and later on that day he went to their dads work and told him what we said and then their dad called Ally and asked what was going on. so Ally had to tell him everything that she knew… so when Sam got home from work their parents were waiting for her and she was forced to tell them everything that happened... Ally and I tried to explain that we only did what we thought was the right thing and that we never meant to hurt her or anything.

We thought he was the guy who had hurt Sam! we were all around him at the time of the suspected molestation (though nothign happened to Ally or I). ally and i thought "why would he call out for just Sammy?" we were so scared and we thought we were doign the right thing..

so ever since then Samatha's been an emotional wreck. she has good days and bad days. she says she forgives us but she always lashes out against us when something goes wrong.. shes depressed again, she has no confidence in herself or anything.. She constantly blames Ally for everything and says that its all her fault even though i tell her that i did it too, that if she was goign to hate her she has to hate me too. and shes convinced that she cant trust eighter of us anymore.

i hate myself for what we did.. i just feel like im rotting inside. we never meant to hurt her.


and now i feel more awful then i already do. when she is in a bad mood (which is all the time and alot over little things) she'll call me and rant about it, like for instance two guys that she hates (ones from her college the others a former youth groupie) constantly call her and she hates it! i suggested gettign a different number, or just not answerign the phone but she says that she'll bad and if she hasnt talk to them in a while then she'll do it so they wont feel ignored. and i tell her that if she hates talking to them so much then dont bother with it at all! and its the same thing as everything else now, she'll call me about something thats got her wrapped around the axle and give her advice but she'll never take it and im just getting so frustrated by it!
i feel like horrible cause i know she's more angery and frustrated because of me and because of that i feel like i dont deserve to get mad about anything so im bottleing it all up.
i dont think its healthy for me to do that.. cause i'm noticing lately that im lashing out at my own parents (they dont know about Sams' past) or my animals and im going to work grumpy, etc.
i mean it feels like she has this overdependence on me.. like if i hang out with a freind she gets mad or if i have something private to do then she wants to know what im doing.

i feel like im her babysitter, im only here when she needs me. and i feel horrible thinking that.

i want to move out in august. not to get away from her but for my boyfreind, we're getting an apartment out of state. i want to live my life but i feel like if i tell Sam then she'll explode on me. i dont want to lose her freindship but i dont want to stay here taking care of her all my life (as terrible as that sounds)

am i a terrible person? [Frown]

none of this is makign any sense is it? im sorry its soo long, but i needed to vent...

[ 06-09-2008, 12:15 AM: Message edited by: Loki ]

Posts: 24 | From: S.W. Fl | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
atm1
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You're not a terrible person. You made a mistake, one that hurt a friend, but we all make mistakes in our lives.

One thing I'd suggest to do about how you think she's too dependent on you--give her a suggestion of someone else to talk to. Is she in therapy of some sort? If not, I'd really suggest it. There are so many issues survivors face, and its unfair to ask one individual to do all the supporting.

Remember that it's always okay to claim your own space and do what you need to do to take care of yourself.


This last bit might be a bit long, but I think it might be helpful... I am a survivor and one of my good friends from high school was molested as a child. She didn't start dealing with these issues until she entered college, when I was already 3000 miles away. For a long time, it helped us both to talk to each other and deal with issues, however after a few months it went from a mutually beneficial relationship to me acting like her therapist. It was incredibly draining, and she'd call at all hours of the night, often hysterical... I felt like I always had to answer and had to take care of her, despite knowing that she had completely forgotten that I had needs too. She expected me to drive 5+ hours each way to visit her when I was on the same side of the country with less than 24 hours notice. I kept giving her concrete advise about what to do, I would research available resources in her area and email them to her--I did everything I could. But I couldn't make her use those resources. I provided them, and it was her choice not to get support outside of me. Eventually, I made a decision that I wasn't going to take all of her calls (even though I often felt that talking to me was the only thing preventing her from killing herself). It was really hard, but I had to do it for me. She was furious, and left very hateful messages on my phone and would disappear from all contact for weeks, and I often didn't know if she was dead or alive. Eventually she'd contact me again (after I had been punished with the silent treatment), and expect me to go back to being how I was, helping her through everything. And I wouldn't, and we'd go through another cycle of that. Slowly, she stopped re-contacting me, and now only sends me emails once every few months about her thoughts on existence, and how she thinks I have fundamentally betrayed all women by having a relationship with a man. I typically don't respond. She's truly toxic in my life...She once tried to contact the man who raped me to make him confront "the sins of all men that he perpetuates" despite the fact that he and I have talked and he's actively working through and confronting what he did to me...

It hurts to have lost one of the most important friendships I had during my teenage years, but I honestly couldn't take it anymore. I've done what's best for me, and taken care of the one person who I have complete control over--myself.

I hope that helps some... I've been in a similar position, and I know it feels awful. It'll probably feel worse before it gets better, but you can make it through.

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Madame Loki
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thanks for the response. its a comfort.

and abotu suggesting therapy.. i have suggested that for YEARS before and after this. i even said that i wasnt going to be around forever, that i dont have the answers she wants. I too give her Advice and suggestions to help her but she never takes it. its like she refuses to help herself.

i feel guilty that i would have a life and she would be stuck here angry. Shes jealous and angry at Ally because shes planning on getting married to her boyfriend next year and im convinced that she is going to feel the same toward me.

what could i tell her next time she gets upset over nothing? i dotn want hurt her feelings or get Ally in trouble since they live together.

[ 06-09-2008, 04:31 PM: Message edited by: Loki ]

Posts: 24 | From: S.W. Fl | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
atm1
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I know it may be hard to think of things this way, but it's important to recognize that there may not be a way to help her without hurting yourself.

You can tell her that you need some space and advise her to talk to someone else. And then you can leave. As much as that may hurt, it might be what's best for both of you, because it will encourage her to seek out support elsewhere.

Remember that you are not and cannot be responsible for her happiness . It's completely normal to feel guilty for wanting to have your own life--I know I felt that way--but it's also unnatural. You've done everything you can to help her, and she has chosen not to take your advise.

Ultimately, the only person you can control is you, and you are responsible for your happiness and well being. This situation is clearly hurting you and is not healthy for you, so you do not need to feel guilty about getting out of it.

She might feel the same way toward you as she does toward Ally. You can't control that.

I'm not saying that any of these things are easy or that there's a way out of a situation like this that doesn't result in a lot of hurt. I'm saying that sometimes, you've got to accept that you've got to take care of you.

I cried so hard the first time my former friend told me she thought I was "no longer worthy of being called a human being." But if someone is going to think those things about you when you are taking care of yourself and trying to make yourself happy, they certainly aren't a friend. Friends should support each other and understand that sometimes we all need space and need to pursue our own lives.

I'm rally sorry you're going through this, and I wish there was an easy solution to everything, but I really don't believe there is. This situation really isn't healthy for you or her, so something should change, for your sake and hers .

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Madame Loki
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yes, your absolutely right. but im not sure if she would talk to anyone else. i think she would just bottle it all up and destroy herself for it..

Ally told me that their parents are so despressed because Sam wont talk to them about it. they hide it but she thinks they want to talk about it and just air it out.


2 months ago they told Sam that they odnt think she is emotionally ready to move out for college.. she called me up crying and screamed at me about it and said "so, i just want to say, THANKS for the help! REALLY!"

they also have a little sister whose about 14 and for lack of a better term.. innocent. i mean when i was 14 i knew things about the world and about guys etc. She has not been told of any of this, and i dont think anyone will. im kindve worried how she would take Sams' changing moods. what if Sam is angry about something and accidently takes it out at her?

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atm1
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You can't control whether or not she talks to anyone else. That's her responsibility. Chances are, though, she'll be more likely to seek out other types of help (hopefully professional help) if she knows you won't be there to listen to her all the time. I know it's really hard to make someone seek out other help, but in the long run, it can really help. By always being there, you may be enabling her to stay where she is emotionally instead of taking other steps to get better. Does that make sense? By reducing (not necessarily completely ending) the amount she can depend on you, you may do more to get her more help than you will telling her the same things over and over again. We can all get trapped in unhealthy patterns, but once their broken, it's more likely to develop better ones.

Think about this: pretend you have a decent car you really depend on. You've had it for years, and it's really grown on you. You also have the money to get a newer car, but don't want to go through the effort. Problem is, the car has a broken air bag, and really serious problems with the breaks... but so far nothing awful has happened, and you think you can just keep going with it. You know it'd be safer to get a new car, but just don't go out and do it. Then the car just stops working. After freaking out for a couple of days, you eventually go out and get a new car that you wouldn't have gotten if the old one hadn't ceased to be a car you could rely on.

See the connection? Once one thing forces someone to change an unhealthy pattern, they have more of an opportunity to switch to better coping mechanisms. I kept thinking the same thing about my friend, but she's still alive, and I think she's made more progress without me around (I've heard about her from some other people, who say she's gotten a lot better in the past month or so).

And about their sister: again, as hard as it is to accept, this is not your responsibility. If you can, you talk to Ally about her and make sure people in that family are aware of what Sam's moods are doing to the little sister.

I know it's so hard not to try to fix everything, but some things simply aren't withing your control.

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Madame Loki
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your absolutly right. thanks for listening [Smile] ill try to ease her off me rather then just stop all together. and ill talk to Ally about what you said, thank you very much!
Posts: 24 | From: S.W. Fl | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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