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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Boyfriend+Porn... Why does it hurt so badly?

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Author Topic: Boyfriend+Porn... Why does it hurt so badly?
carabee2
Neophyte
Member # 38818

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I've been going out with my boyfriend for almost a year... A few months ago I found porn on his computer... I was really upset and I started to become really jealous. He promised never to do it again. I finally started feeling better about it and myself and then last month I found more and I haven't been able to shake it like I have the first time. He said he was stopping again, but Idk. Even so, I feel constant jealousy and self-hatred. I REALLY don't want him to feel bad about it... I brought it up once about a week ago and he got upset and said it happened weeks ago and that we shouldn't even talk about it anymore... But I can't stop it from bugging me. I don't know what to do... It's literally driving me insane. It's difficult to eat, sleep, concentrate on anything but... It mustn't be normal to care this much... Am I just being selfish?
Posts: 2 | From: CA | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Here carabee: have you looked at some of the other recent discussions on this topic here lately or at some of the sexpert advice answers on this topic on the main site?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ambie
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Member # 38844

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i had the same thing happen to me wih my boyfriend and he said the same thing but i found it again i ended up telling him it seems like i dont do enough for you and that i feel like i am not good in bed for him he stoped looking at pron after that
Posts: 2 | From: santa fe, new mexico | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Just so that we're all being realistic, know that someone who was in the habit of using pornography is VERY unlikely to just drop it, full-stop, because a partner is upset by it, especially if their use of porn came before you.

So, when someone says that your one discussion made them just toss it all, it's usually a lot more likely they have just gotten better at hiding it from you. The way people masturbate -- which is usually when porn is used -- often has elements of routine to it, so when someone wants to change that routine, it tends to take some time, rather than be something a person can miraculously change immediately.

The kind of discussion where we would see someone trying to adapt their habits to make a compromise would like be about several discussions as well as some negotiating about healthy compromises.

Carabee: did you find those other discussions? if not, I'd be happy to link you to them.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
carabee2
Neophyte
Member # 38818

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No, I looked but couldn't find anything
Posts: 2 | From: CA | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Okie dokie.

Here are some:

http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?/ubb/get_topic/f/3/t/009116.html
http://www.scarleteen.com/cgi-bin/forum/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=9;t=001168
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/he_only_wants_sex_with_me_after_watching_pornography
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/why_does_my_boyfriend_watch_transsexual_porn
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/porn_the_eternal_conversation_killer
http://www.scarleteen.com/cgi-bin/forum/ultimatebb.cgi?/ubb/get_topic/f/2/t/010743.html#000001
http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?/ubb/get_topic/f/3/t/007893.html#000005
http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?/ubb/get_topic/f/3/t/007865.html#000001
http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?/ubb/get_topic/f/8/t/001037.html#000000

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Chae
Neophyte
Member # 38986

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I've no idea how open you'd be to this, but have you ever considered watching porn with him, to turn you both on? Or making some porn of your own? Give him alternatives to draw him away...getting angry at his habits won't make him change. I wouldn't try to make him get rid of porn... Become his porn, and he's more likely to drop this habit.

~ Chae

Posts: 17 | From: USA | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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