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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Parents vs. Boyfriend (and stupid classmates)

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Author Topic: Parents vs. Boyfriend (and stupid classmates)
Member # 35615

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Basically, I've been with my boyfriend for about a month. He's my first boyfriend (we're both freshmen in high school and I'm his first girlfriend), and he's been my good friend since the beginning of the year. We hang out with the same people, generally, and they have adapted to our relationship as well as can be expected.

The problem lies with my parents. I would like to point out that I am in no way similar to my older brother, who has had five or six relationships THIS SCHOOL YEAR (the longest lasted only 6 or 7 weeks), making out with girls in public, and lying to my parents about them. I, on the other hand, told my mom two days after we started going out, and she told me that she likes my boyfriend and thinks he's a good guy. Despite saying this several times and making it clear that she trust him, she won't let me go out with him alone.

We've gone out with our group of friends several times, to movies and restaurants. My mom said it's fine to go with a larger group, but not the two of us. I feel slightly betrayed by this, since she has said that she trusts me and knows that I'm responsible. Both my boyfriend and I are in the top 1% at our school, multi-sport athletes (tennis and varsity soccer for me, track and cross country for him), and reliable young adults. We've never done drugs, alcohol, etc. I've gone to several leadership conferences for teenagers, been to Australia with People To People Student Ambassadors Program, and other school-affiliated trips away from home for top students.

What it boils down to is this: am I wrong in feeling short-changed by not being able to spend time with my boyfriend without the presence of our "chaperone" friends? How can I get her to see that she can trust us alone? How long do you think it will take?

Another thing that's been bugging me is the reaction of my friends at school. Our group of really close friends adjusted to it very well; however, other not-so-close friends (and accquaintances), are having an oh-so-great time teasing us. Whenever they see us holding hands or just walking together, they say things like "AAAWWWWHHH. SO CUUUUTE. HEY!" His guy-friends (most of the people he talks with are girls) are saying things like "Hey, dude! You're such a player! Yeah, man!" It's really starting to get on my nerves...

Part of the reason they say it's cute or whatever is because we're both only 5 ft tall (if you can call it that... [Wink] ). Also, they're surprised I'd go out with anybody (much less hold hands at school), because I'm not the kind of person who likes showing many emotions in public. I like to keep that sort of thing private. How can I get my clasmates to be more mature and respectful?

Posts: 19 | From: California | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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As unfair as our parents can seem to be sometimes, most of the time they have our best interests in mind. I doubt your parents have laid out these rules because they think you're like your brother; it seems you've demonstrated you're not, and your parents have recognized that.

I was in the same boat: I wasn't allowed to one-on-one date until I was 16 years old. It was a rule my parents had in place for all of my siblings, and their reasoning was that "if you can't drive yourselves to a date, it isn't truly a date." While I still don't totally agree with them, I respected the fact that I lived under their roof, and that is was their call. I didn't act any different, or try and "prove" to them I was responsible/mature/trustworthy enough. And when I turned 16, they had no problems.

I don't think this has to do with trust or responsibility. Try and cut your parents some slack: highschool, especially the first year, can be hard for parents because their children are thrown into a whole new world and they suddenly have less and less say and control when it comes to what happens in their lives. Add to that the fact that this is your first relationship, and they're probably a little overwhelmed, even if they don't outwardly show it.

I don't think you should feel short-changed or betrayed. Your parents could think the world of your maturity, etc, and still not let you do everything you'd like to. It may help to sit down and may a compromise with your mom, like at a certain point in time, you'll be allowed to go on dates with just the two of you, or that your boyfriend accompany your family on a couple of "group" dates before you're allowed to date alone. Something like that.

As for your friends, a friendly but stern "shut it" is in order. The cutesy comments are, understandably, annoying, and voicing that directly is something that needs to be done by both you.

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Posts: 3987 | From: Greater Burlington Area, Vermont | Registered: Apr 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
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You might also want to bear in mind that a month is not a lot of time. I understand it can certainly feel like it, especially when you're younger, but your parents may well get a bit more relaxed about this and be a bit more willing to give you time alone a few months down the road.

In the meantime, how about giving them a chance to get to know your guy more so they can develop the kind of trust which would nurture that? How about a few dinners with them?

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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