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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » How to find out more about the person you love?

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Author Topic: How to find out more about the person you love?
Member # 35506

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I've been with my boyfriend for 11 months now, and I love him so much.

I feel like there's a lot about him I still don't know, though.

And I ask about stuff, and I offer time for him to talk to me about stuff, and some times more than others he tells me things, but for the most part I feel like I don't know much about his life.

Especially not his love life.

And I know it can be hard to dredge up things like that, and I know that sometimes it causes people to start taking things the wrong way because they find out things they didn't want to know, but I'm so curious.

I want to know him in and out.

And I have the passwords to various accounts of his, and I know I could use them, potentially to find out the things I want to know (if he actually saves anything, which I don't know if he does)... but I can't do that. I can't do that to him and I can't do that to me. I hate dishonesty, and it would make me feel like scum.

Sometimes I overcomplicate things when I ask questions.... and sometimes I feel like I ask way too much... so what are good questions to ask? And how do you ask a question you know you've asked before if you're scared of them being annoyed at you for it?

Or should I just let it all go and try to ignore my curiosity?

Posts: 25 | From: VA | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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Some people are naturally more talkative and open than others. I'm one of those people who talk a lot, and anyone who's known me for a few months could easily write a book about me. My best friend, on the other hand, is incredibly private and after two years of friendship now I could probably write a small brochure. This doesn't mean that he's trying to hide anything from me or that he doesn't trust me enough to open up - it just means that we work differently as far sharing ourselves goes.

Sounds like that's the position you are in, and I understand how frustrating that can be. Have you tried telling your partner how you feel about this? That you're curious about him and his life and his history and that you'd like to understand him better by knowing more about him? Some people just also don't have a good feel for what could be interested in someone else, so maybe your partner isn't telling you certain things because it doesn't occur to him that you'd like to know - the way around that is to just ask him.

Ultimately, there are two kinds of knowledge you can acquire about a person. One is the kinds of things they might tell you about their past, their family, their dating history, etc. The other is the kind of things you notice about them just by being with you - I'm sure you've learned tons about him in the past year: his likes and dislikes, the way he treats the people in his life, the whole range of his emotions and how he handles them, etc. That's important knowledge, too, and it means that you do know him.

So, the fact that he's more quiet is likely just a character trait, and one that you'll have to accept and respect if you want to stay with him.

However, if you feel that he is actively hiding things from you, and if you are afraid of angering him by digging too deep, then you might also just want to trust your gut feeling on this and re-consider your relationship.

Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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