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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » the big break and someone new

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Author Topic: the big break and someone new
Member # 28780

Icon 12 posted      Profile for fallchild         Edit/Delete Post 
I don't know why I'm second guessing myself, but here is kind of a summary of what's going on with me because I desperately need some help getting my head back on straight.

First off, me and my boyfriend broke up. This was the guy that I wrote all those posts about. At first, I thought this "break up" was very mutual. We were talking a lot and realized that we really needed a break from being romantically involved because it wasn't healthy for either of us, and I thought the transition would be smooth from boyfriend/girlfriend to platonic friends.

It wasn't. Come to find out, he blames me for almost everything that went wrong including the break up, which I don't think is fair at all. I thought I was doing a selfless thing by admitting to myself that this relationship wasn't good for him (he had been telling me this for a long time), but the way he sees it is that I screwed him over. ALL he wants is monogamy. He wants to get married and have me start pushing out babies, which is something I'm NOT ready to do at all. I keep trying to make him see that I never wanted to hurt him on purpose, but since the relationship wasn't making either of us happy it would be best to just switch our roles up a bit.

My old self keeps trying to make me feel like I'm a bad person. But deep down? I'm not sorry for the break-up and feel like I did the best that I could. Just for clarification, here are the biggest reasons the break-up was necessary (I'm more off writing this for my own benefit):

1. He wouldn't respect my boundaries sexually.

2. I used to be emotionally abusive toward him (but in my defense I believe I'm worlds better with that now)

3. Our future goals for the relationship were disparate: he wants to get married and start having kids RIGHT NOW, I want to finish school and enjoy being in my twenties without the stress of a marriage and children.

4. NO communication whatsoever, and I couldn't stand it anymore. He told me awhile back that he deliberately keeps information from me about the relationship that he deems too stressful for me to know about, which I think is a load of bullcrap.

5. He's very possessive

6. And all this funnels down into the fact that the relationship model of monogamy wasn't working for me, and dating other people wasn't working for him.

So we broke up, and it sucks that I'm calling it that now but this wasn't (isn't) a peaceful transition to friends. This is him yelling at me saying I'm putting him through hell. I'm definately the "dump-er" and he's the "dump-ee;" that's how he sees it anyway. I keep telling him though the reason he's in so much self-induced hell is by his own doing. If he would just snap out of it and realize that there are still possibilities out there for him and that his break-up could do him a world of good, I think he'd feel much better about all of this.

Soooooooo, after all that, there is someone I'm interested in. I met him back in March and we just now started hanging out together. Before now we would just talk on the phone or text and it was all very non-sexual and non-crushy (totally made up that word). We know that we like each other, but we are moving VERY slowly about it all. I think three months is pretty slow, right? We haven't even kissed yet. I've already told him that I don't want to make him into a horrible rebound situation because I really do care about him. So, we're going slow. I don't want a boyfriend right now, but I do enjoy his company very much. Is it ok to be hanging out with someone I like right now? That's what I'm asking I guess.

After all that bullcrap with the breakup, I'm very aware that this boy could turn into a rebound. However since I have the "dump-er" attitude of moving on without the feelings of betrayal and hurt like my ex has, I really don't feel like the wounded person who's looking to get in the sack really fast with someone to find comfort.

So, if I could get some feedback on my reasoning about the breakup or some thoughts on me seeing his new person, I'd really really appreciate it. Sorry about the length of this post [Big Grin]

"It's better to die on your feet than live down on your knees"

Posts: 117 | From: SLC, UT | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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This wasn't selfless...and that's okay, it doesn't have to be.

You two clearly were not good together. You two clearly want different things in a relationship. You both seemed to be abusive or controlling.

Stop talking to this guy. Clearly, you aren't going to be friends (doesn't sound like you were in your relationship, either), so there's no reason getting into any of this with him. Make a clean break, recognize that often bad relationships also end badly, no matter how hard we try to have them end amicably.

As far as this new person you're getting to know, if you want to get to know someone right now, that's fine. You're self-aware about the possibility of rebounding, which is usually all that's required to be smart about it.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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